sunday

3:54 am

mom and ate had their surgeries this week. i wish i was more selfless so i could help them out a bit more, or at least help out mom. i kinda just wake up late and let her fend for herself. honestly, i barely talked to her today now that dad came back from his 2 day work trip. why do i let myself be so lazy

i opened this today because i was tempted to post something on some depression subreddit along the lines of "it would be so much easier to kill myself if nobody actually cared" or something similar that basically implied that i could do what i wanted and disappear if only it didn't actually affect the lives of my loved ones. i know its unrealistic and stupid of a dream, not to mention pretty naive too, but damn one can wish, no? anyway i ended up here because i didn't want to deal with the attention seeking aftermath of people trauma dumping or unsolicited advice in reddit comments.

i want to be better at finishing the things i start. currently focusing more in terms of hobbies, though this does apply to everything in my life really. since i am practically living as a no life, i've tried to delve into previous hobbies like guitar for example. i started to stop after a heat wave we got like 2 weeks ago because playing guitar made my leg uncomfortably sweaty and also the lack or instant gratification/ easily noticeable progress. i dont want to be a quitter for things that should be fun, past time hobbies. like games are called games for a reason. why am i raging at lol normals/arams or beating myself up for losing and not studying tft for rank. like huh??? im tilting at omega strikers???of all games... really? like holy shit im getting parasocial lowkey too. like i had a tiny crush on a streamer (ppuf) and got over it because going to youtube comments made me realize how irrational and parasocial that was, AND THEN holy shit wow, i realized i had a itty bitty crush on a pro LOL STREAMER for like split second yesterday or the day before yesterday bc he was a funny, rational person around my age. ok not just that but i gotta admit those features were alluring pluses. only to talk myself out of it because he's literally a famous lol pro player w a highly probable not that down low relationship w another streamer bc they live together. actually insane, i genuinely wouldn't have expected that from me ever.

its especially funny because i tend to romanticize relationships to an incredibly unrealistic extent, and because of that i know no one would want me because i cannot reciprocate those feelings that i want to feel from them because im kinda slow and dont care about people much. like i will say i love you, but as far as love languages go, i think im just too much of a lazy bum at the moment. i suspect i was so well babied that it never occurred to me to think about others. i also suspect that was why i was so unpopular and weird growing up. like thinking about elementary school me is strange and wow i thought i was all that, smart cool anime protag going into middle school. then i relentlessly copied people/friends around me to fit in. and i kinda still do, but because im more aware i end up distancing myself.

a few days ago i met this nice girl in league and we played a few games and then she wanted to play after and i was down but idk i got scared. when we played initially she asked me if i go to school and i literally just lied. to the 25yr from mid east? na (idk 2 hrs early timezone) who was playing this game bc of her brother and still looked at account levels as having meaning. i think i was intimidated and scared of growing closer so i both subconsciously and consciously avoided her. i thought about unadding her, and then a few days later i did. just removed her from my second lol account and discord bc i was just scared. like really no other good excuse. i just didn't want to see her potentially improve faster than i did. sad and pathetic really.

my second lobe piercings are infected i think. they're so old too. not healing at all, actually getting worse bc i keep fussing with them. i poked them in april a bit before 4/20 w a stapler piercer thing. incredibly stupid but whatever it happened im impatient and cheap what can i say. it already happened anyway. i thought it would be better if i put in some nicer quality jewelry but no. it made it worse. and there is not a crazy piercing bump on both sides of my left ear with some kind of blood bubble and skin protruding out the back of the right one. i got this 18g barbells from baf bc i was buying glass half sizes for my stretched first lobes and figured i should get better earrings too. which was a mistake, these are not better earrings, in fact they're actually pretty cheapy. i thought one was cute and the other was just an ugly color, but i changed them back today and when i was looking at the cute one it was kinda corrody (idk if salt water plays a factor) and the other one had gluey stuff on the star. i filed off the ugly color but now its just scratched and the edged don't look sharp, just pretty cheapy looking, but its ok i was wearing it backwards i guess :'( i just want my ears to heal back so i can ears hoops and huggies with my so close to 2g lobes. jk only one ear is 3g and the other one can maybe stretch to 5g in a week bc im rushing again even though i said i wouldn't this time. its ok my rule now is that i will not force in tapers which is a much better step up, but ill push in the dead stretchign glass plugs. tapers are bad i know this im not explaining, do ur reasearch. im really trying to instill the dont stretch w any pain rule this time around. i really wonder what i can do about the second piercing pus though, its really upsetting me.

wow talking about my ear plans helped cheer me up a little. ill get off now. gn but not really bc im going to lay in bed w the fan facing me bc its "hot" ok it actually is warming up this week but w know thats not why its on wtv goodbye!