After her breakdown, there was a shift in Liliana’s relationship with her brother. They had always been close, since the apology, since Imogen was dragged off to prison to rot, but now it was as if their bond was stronger than ever. Alistair was more perceptive than ever of her moods, of her health. Watching with worried golden eyes while she ate, ensuring she did. His head turning in classes, making sure she was there, not drowning deep under the waves of the grief and pain he now knew were ever threatening.

He even invited himself to the second half of her assignment. It was suspiciously easy to get the stable-hand who was set to supervise her and give her tasks to agree to the extra pair of hands. Liliana had to wonder if Professor Vereign had a hand in that, if he’d mentioned something to the stable-hand, advised allowing the siblings to work together. If perhaps this was his way of caring for his students, silently aiding them, even if they weren’t always aware of it.

Or perhaps the stable-hand had simply been excited at the thought of getting free aid from someone like Alistair, tall and muscular and able to lift things others would struggle with.

The work in the stables was easy, if not glamorous. It mostly consisted of mucking out stalls and feeding the beasts she was allowed around, the ones who didn’t require a more experienced hand, who wouldn’t happily bite off the hand that fed them. But despite ending up covered in dirt, grime, sweat and fecal matter in the stables, and a concerning amount of blood from all the raw meat, Liliana loved it.

She enjoyed seeing beasts she had only read about, seeing beasts she’d never heard of. She loved having the chance to run her fingers through the mane of a unicorn, or to toss meat to a Solion who snatched it from the air. Liliana always felt the most at home in the wild, or around beasts. She supposed it was part of the reason she got along with Anya so well, so quickly. The girl was half beast herself, and that wildness in her soothed the part of Liliana that always craved to be back in the wilderness.

After her assignment was marked complete, and they’d both taken showers to rid themselves of the stink and grime coating them, they met back up in her room afterwards. A new routine they’d quickly fallen into after the night Liliana had fallen apart and let her brother help her pick the pieces up.

Alistair began to fidget, bringing Liliana’s attention off her textbooks she’d been pouring over to ready herself for the tests they had coming right before their summer break at the end of the next week.

“Ali?” Liliana asked as she turned in her seat to look at Alistair, who had sprawled out on her bed.

“Yea?” Alistair asked, propping his head up to look at her even as his leg bounced in the bed and his free hand worked at the blanket on her bed, picking at loose threads.

“You alright?” Liliana asked him with a tilt of her head, concern clear in her voice.

“I-,” Alistair cut himself off, face clouding over with indecision. Liliana frowned softly. It was clear there was something bothering her brother, but he was hesitant to tell her.

“Come on,” Liliana decided as she stood from her chair, stretching out muscles sore from where she’d sat hunched over her desk. A mental request had Polaris flouncing into the room, tongue lolling out of his mouth.

“What? Where?” Alistair asked in bemusement as Liliana grabbed his hand and tugged him off the bed, forcing him to find his feet or fall.

Liliana grabbed his arm with a secret grin as she tugged him out of her room and into the common room. Several heads rose to look at them. The new change in Alistair being allowed into Liliana’s room had caused a small stir, but it was accepted easily, as they were siblings. And perhaps because a few other students had witnessed Liliana crying in her doorway before Vereign shooed the siblings back into the safety of her room. Liliana waved at their classmates but didn’t pause as she dragged her brother out of the dorm, Polaris following on their heels happily.

“Lili? Where are we going?” Alistair asked as they started towards the campus.

“I’m going to show you a secret,” Liliana told him with an impish grin as they made the long journey towards the front of the campus.

Alistair’s confusion visibly mounted as they passed the affinity class towers, then passed by the year buildings, and he looked well and truly lost when she entered the main building. Liliana kept a smile on her face as she pulled them down a side hallway, stopping before a suit of armor. She dropped his arm to grab the sword held in the armor’s hands.

“Lili! What are you doing?” Alistair hissed, but Liliana shook her head at him as she tugged the sword towards her. She let go, and the armor stepped aside. The wall behind the armor silently moved to reveal a staircase lit with mage lights, free of dust.

“What? What the fuck? Lili, what is this?” Alistair asked. Liliana grinned at him as Polaris dashed past them, running up the stairs. Liliana grabbed Alistair’s arm and guided him into the staircase, the wall closing back behind them.

“Are we even allowed to be in here?” Alistair asked as they started to ascend the stairs, following the curving path laid before them.

“Well, no one told me I couldn’t use it, and there’s no signs or wards or blocks. They keep it in good order too, so I figure it’s here to use for anyone who finds it.” Liliana said with a careless wave of her hand.

“The absence of refusal is not permission, Lili.” Alistair hissed at her, but he followed her anyway, up the winding stairs until they came upon a wooden door, Polaris sitting in front of it, waiting for them.

Liliana pushed it open and revealed a small balcony that gave them a view of the campus up to the towers on the roof of the building. Soft mage lights hung around the balcony, just enough to give them a bit of light but not ruining their dark vision so they could still see the stars spread above them like a black blanket studded with diamonds, the moon hanging full and white in the sky.

Liliana settled down on the balcony, Polaris flopping beside her, resting his head in her lap as Alistair gingerly sat beside her, head whipping around as he tried to take it all in. Liliana tilted her head back as her hands ran through Polaris’ fur, drinking in the stars. The constellations were different from the ones she remembered from Earth, but there was a bit of comfort in them, too. No matter what world her soul found itself in, there were always stars, silent, eternal watchers gazing down upon them all.

Liliana picked out some of the new constellations she’d learned hung above this world. Vita’s veil was high in the sky. There was Mor’s scythe beneath it, Venati’s bow, and Ealirel’s sword hanging close to the horizon, the star at its hilt shining as brightly as ever.

“Sometimes, I miss her.” Alistair spoke, his voice soft on the night wind, but Liliana heard it anyway. She didn’t drop her head down to look at Alistair, waiting for him to continue. He had given her a safe place to fall apart, had let her trust him with her dark, broken parts. She could give him the same courtesy.

“I know I shouldn’t. She’s an awful woman. But sometimes, I remember when she wasn’t awful. I can still remember the times when she would be kind to me, when she would hug me and tell me stories before I went to sleep. I remember what she was like, when she could be kind. And I miss that. I miss that mother, the one I so rarely saw, that you never met.” Words were tumbling out of Alistair, the dam holding the tide back broken with that first confession.

Liliana’s hands curled against Polaris’ head, old anger curling in her chest. It was wrong to be angry at Alistair for wanting the most simple thing any person could, to want his mother. To miss his mother. But a dark, resentful and ugly part of Liliana wondered how anyone could miss someone like Imogen, for the only way she’d known her was as a vengeful, cruel, jealous woman who had tried many times to end Liliana’s life, who had ripped the woman Liliana had seen as a mother from her.

Stronger than that dark part, though, was love, was understanding. The fire was banked, smothered under waves of understanding. Even if the woman he spoke of was someone Liliana had never met. A side of Imogen that had died off long before their first meeting. Liliana couldn’t understand how Alistair could miss Imogen, but she could understand how he could miss his mother.

She, who had lost three mothers, knew better than most the ache such a loss caused. An empty, gaping wound in one’s chest that would never be filled. She had lost her first mother, from Earth, when cancer had finally taken her life. She had lost her second mother through Liliana’s memories, experiencing all the loss and grief of a five-year-old girl watching her mother’s casket lower into the cold earth. Then she’d lost Astrid.

Liliana understood, so very deeply, how Alistair felt. To lose his mother, not to death, but to her own horrible acts he could never justify, could never forgive. Liliana had lost all her mothers unwillingly, but Alistair had chosen to separate himself from his mother, to forsake her as no mother of his. But that didn’t make the pain of loss any easier. The character of his mother didn’t lessen the pain of her absence, either.

“But I lost her long before that day. The mother I knew, the kind one, the one who loved me. She was gone years ago. If she ever existed, if it wasn’t all just an illusion. But I miss that illusion, and I hate myself for it.” Alistair whispered the last words, as if they were a sin he feared would be punished.

Liliana finally dropped her head to look at Alistair. The need to comfort him, to assure him there was nothing in him worthy of hate, was overwhelming. She was shocked at what she saw. Her strong brother was crumpled, knees drawn to his chest, arms wrapped around them as if they could shield him. He looked so small, so young, with his grief and self hate painted clearly across his face as his golden eyes dripped tears.

“I wish so much that I could forget her. Erase every memory of her from my head. The good, the bad, all of it. I wish I could rip her from my mind, so maybe I wouldn’t miss the woman who tried to take my sister from me. Who hurt my sister so irrevocably.” Alistair could barely look at her, but she could see the guilt on his features so clearly, and it tore into her heart to know he still blamed himself for Imogen’s actions.

“I wish I didn’t still feel love for her, tangled and poisoned with the hate that’s so much stronger than the love, but never enough to kill it. I hate her, Lili, I do, but I still love her, too, and I hate myself for it. Every day that I look at you, every time I see the scars she left behind on you, on your soul, your heart, I hate myself a little more for still being capable of loving her.” Alistair’s voice had gained strength, but it was soaked in pain, colored in hues of guilt and hate, hate for Imogen, hate for himself, so thick Liliana thought it would suffocate her. Alistair struggled to gather breath, a sob ripping through him as if the hate poisoning him was already choking the life out of him.

“I hate myself Lili, I’m a monster. You deserve a better brother.” Alistair broke on the last word, face falling to his knees as he sobbed, body shaking from them.

Liliana watched as her brother shattered apart before her, his heart and soul scattered around them. Her brother, her strong brother, who was always so bright. The sun, finally extinguished by this cruel world who sought to consume any light it found. And it was all so wrong to Liliana. It broke her heart; it angered her. Who had the right to dim Alistair’s fire?

“You’re the best brother I could ever hope to have, and the only one I want.” Liliana said as she pulled Alistair to her, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, switching their positions from last week when it had been Liliana falling apart and trusting Alistair to pick up the shattered remains of her heart. Now it was her turn to help her brother piece himself back together. It was her turn to be strong while Alistair was weak, to provide him with the support he’d so freely given her.

Liliana knew it took all Alistair’s courage to reveal this to her, to let someone finally see him as weak. Brother and sister were alike in that. Neither ever wanted others to see them weak, to see them fail, to fall. Liliana’s surrender, her finally letting Alistair in when she’d struggled for so long on her own, had given her brother the courage to do the same. They might not be able to let anyone else see them like this, to hear their dark confessions they held deep in their hearts, but they could let each other know. They could allow this much.

“It’s alright, Alistair. To miss your mother,” Liliana told him as she stroked his braided hair with one hand, the other keeping him tight against her as he sobbed, as his tears and snot soaked through her shirt. Polaris had moved, sitting by the door, guarding them against any who might stumble upon this private moment.

“How?” Alistair choked out, the rest of his words lost in another rough sob and whine that broke Liliana’s heart to hear, to know her brother was hurting so much, tearing his own heart apart and all she could do was to be here for him.

She couldn’t fight his demons for him, but she could be here to prop him up when he faltered. It was what he’d done for her. It was what she’d do for him, always, forever, until the day he no longer needed his sister to give him strength and support, if that day ever came.

“I’ve lost two mothers, Ali. I’ll never begrudge anyone missing a mother, no matter who they were. I won’t offer you forgiveness, because there’s nothing to forgive. You lost your mother. No matter what she did, she was still your mother. And it’s alright to grieve her loss.” Liliana told him, squeezing him tightly to reinforce her words.

She would not resent her brother, a child, missing his mother. Same as she would never resent her younger half siblings if they grew to hate her for having a part in their mother’s imprisonment. She wouldn’t have even resented Alistair if he had hated her for what she’d done. She’d decided that when she’d made her choice to ensure Imogen’s downfall. She would have taken the hate as her due, her penance for her choices.

Now she could take her brother’s pain on, a different penance than what she’d expected, but no easier to bear. Imogen had dug her own grave, but Liliana had pushed her in. Her brother was hurting and in part it was Liliana’s fault for it. She could admit it.

So she’d take on her brother’s tears, his pain, for as long as he bore the burden. She would share this burden as her repayment for her choices. It was a straightforward choice to make, to choose to help her brother, to aid him in healing, because Alistair deserved to burn so brightly he eclipsed the sun, and Liliana would set herself on fire if it would reignite his own light.

Alistair sobbed, a wail muffled by her shirt as his arms finally came out and wrapped around her, grabbing desperately onto her as if she’d vanish if he let go, as if she was the only stable point left in the world. As he finally allowed himself to accept her comfort, her love, and perhaps, just a slight amount, believe her words as the truth they were.

She couldn’t stop him from hating himself, but she could assure him that she would never hate him. She could show him what it looked like to be loved until he learned how to love himself again. So Liliana held him as his grief and pain and hate ravaged him, a storm that raged inside of him, as she provided him a steady port to cling to instead of being swept out into the sea, to drown alone beneath the waves of his pain.

She held him through the sobs, rubbed his back when he retched from the sobs, from the choking, from the overwhelming emotions, and she soothed him through the shaking that felt like it would shatter him in her arms. Liliana held him through it all, and when the sobs calmed, when his tears were wiped away by her sleeve she helped him pick up the broken pieces of himself and put them back together with a kind smile and gentle hands, holding all his broken parts with the care they needed.

When they left the roof, leaving their moment there, secret, safe and far from prying eyes and judging words, Liliana understood her brother more than she ever had.

This boy, full of light and darkness, full of happiness and self hate, pain and comfort, love and guilt. A boy made of contrasts, all forming the brother she loved more than she ever expected, ever hoped she could. A brother she’d protect, and show how to burn brightly again, one day, when the darkness that tainted them finally faded under the daylight.

Just as she knew he’d protect her, teach her how to walk in the light. Both leaning on and learning from each other, with a bond forged in blood, in tears, in pain, and in stolen moments of happiness. Two siblings, both broken but not unfixable, once opposed, now standing shoulder to shoulder against all that sought to tear them down.