Chapter Three Hundred and Forty-Nine - Food for Thought

It took Bastion half a second to come up with a plan. “Phalanx, I want a grid. Spears out ahead, swordsmen, be ready to take to the air. We’re going to need wide sweeps of fire to clear out any webbing.”

“Oh no,” Calamity said. “Nope, nope, nope.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked as the formation shuffled around us. We were being positioned near the rear, along with an obviously irate Princess Caprica.

“I’m not, ah, fond of spiders. In fact, I’m very not-fond of them.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yes, really,” he said. He reached for his pack and pulled out his unstrung bow, then quickly and expertly looped a string through one end and over to the other while bending the bow on the ground. “We have spiders out on the plains. They’re bigger than both my hands together and will pounce on any birds that fly too close. Whenever I see their nests I go the long way around.”

“That is kind of spooky,” I agreed. I shucked off my pack and set it down to one side. A lot of the soldiers with extra equipment were doing the same. Then I pulled out Weedbane and held it close, ready to snap the blade out whenever I needed it.Hopefully it wouldn’t come to that.

“Broccoli,” Bastion called back.

I jumped, then looked over the heads of the sylph between us to see the paladin waving me over. “I’ll be right back,” I told my friends before I pushed through the formation and towards Bastion. “What’s up?” I asked.

He nodded to me, then gestured to his side. The scout from earlier was there and from up close I could see that he wasn’t in as bad a shape as I’d feared. Sure, his armour was dirtied up and a bit rough, but he didn’t seem wounded other than the gash on his forehead.

I pushed a bit of Cleaning magic out, which startled him before he realised that his uniform was clean again.

“Best to keep your magic reserves topped up,” Bastion advised. “We might be needing every spell we can muster soon.”

“Oh, alright,” I said. I was pretty sure my Cleaning magic would work on spider-webs. It worked on cobwebs well enough. Though maybe those were different, in a way? It wasn’t hard to agree to hold back though. “What did you need me for?” I asked.

“Negotiations,” he said.

The scout looked as surprised as I felt.

“I know you well enough,” Bastion continued. “You’re going to try to talk to the spiders whether or not I tell you not to, so I might as well nip this in the bud. When the spiders arrive, I’d like for you to open a dialogue with them.”

“That makes sense,” I said. And it did sound like something I’d do. “We are invading their home, so it’s only polite to say hello.”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Bastion said. “Mostly, my concern is trying to get past the forest without losing life or equipment, and perhaps even time. We’re on a schedule here.”

“Right,” I said. “We might be able to ask for permission to peacefully cross their territory. And they might know about the pirates too.”

He nodded. “That would be a great boon, yes. But keep in mind, if things don’t work out, or if the spiders are mere animals, I don’t want you interfering in the fight to protect them over us.”

“I know. I’m not that silly.” Turning to the scout, I smiled before I asked him a few questions. “Did you see the spiders for yourself?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he replied immediately.

That was good. “What do they look like, exactly?”

“They’re quite large, ma’am, easily the mass of a sylph, I’d guess. They are brown and black. I believe their... chitin might be a natural camouflage in these forests.”

“Right. Are they more like ambush predators, like normal spiders, or are they more jump-in-your-face spiders?”

The scout shrugged. “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t know.”

“Either is bad, but ambush predators would be worse,” Bastion said. “We need to stay sharp, but if we're constantly expecting an ambush, crossing the forest is going to wear down everyone's nerves.”

That sounded about right. The forest was already a bit on the creepy side. I couldn't imagine walking through it while expecting a big spider to drop down from above or spring from a bush at any moment. Dangerous rescue missions were already stressful enough, if we added any extra stress, people might start cracking.

A second scout came hurtling down from above. Not from ahead though, but instead from the side. “Sir,” she said as she landed at a jog. “Spiders, left flank.”

“We’re being surrounded,” Bastion said. “Alright. Round formation everyone. Keep the VIPs and our range-experts centred. Eyes up. Keep flight to a minimum. Prepare to fight stealthed enemies. I want sense magics on full blast. Buffs up.”

I felt a queasy sort of pressure in my tummy, and my skin tingled. I... had no idea what had just happened, but I could tell that it was magical, and it was coming from... Caprica? The Princess was standing tall, eyes closed, a fist over her heart. I noticed most of the soldiers standing a little taller, too.

“That should help a little. Don’t rely on it alone though,” Bastion said.

He didn't explain what Caprica had done, he was too busy moving to help the sylph form up into a perfect circle. The sylph with swords and shields were on the outside, with an inner circle of sylph with spears ready to poke out of the gaps in the shield wall. In the very middle my friends and a few sylph archers were getting ready to help as best they could.

“Get into the formation,” Bastion ordered the two scouts and they both took to the air, flying over and into the centre. “Broccoli, if you would stay with me, please.”

“Yeah, sure,” I said.

“If I order you back into the formation, I do expect you to listen,” he warned.

I nodded. I could do that. Bastion had a lot on his plate, dealing with a silly bun who couldn’t listen to orders--even if that silly bun was me--would just add to his burden in a way that wasn’t very kind.

We waited, Bastion with his hand on the hilt of his sword, and me with Weedbane held like a staff while I swivelled my ears around to listen.

When the spiders arrived, it was only someone in the formation saying “look!” that let me notice.

The first spider to show up was a big one. They were about as tall as I was, though they though they seemed much, much wider due to their long, thin limbs that reached way out from its body. The limbs were quite hairy, all covered in spiky bristles, and it scanned the clearing with eight beady, pupil-less eyes that made it impossible to tell what, exactly, it was focusing on.

“Hmm,” Bastion hummed. “Second tier.”

I winced. “Does that mean that the spiders have access to a dungeon?”

“It’s possible,” he said. “It could be a natural level. They’re all around the same level range. Or the few I’ve seen. It puts them on par with most of our soldiers. I was hoping to have a clear level advantage to leverage against their own advantages.”

The spiders probably had a heap of natural advantages here. Plus, they were on their home terrain. Yeah, I could see why Bastion was worried. “Let me see what I can do,” I said.

The big spider was clinging to the side of one of the trees, the claw-tips on the end of their legs hanging onto the bark so that they could stay in place, even if that place was on a vertical surface.

I hopped forwards and away from the group until I was about halfway between us and the spider. Just one big backwards bounce back to the formation, if I had to run. I cleared my throat and looked at the spider.

That’s when I realised that this would be one of those weird situations where I couldn’t just talk to someone, at least, not verbally... well, not only verbally. I took a deep breath, then clicked my tongue as hard as I could.

The spider paused, his attention turning towards me as I clicked my tongue a few more times and tried to get the right sound and pitch.

“Got it,” I muttered.

Then I bounced into a wide squat, stuck my butt way out, and raised my arms above my head straight up, parallel to my ears.

I clicked twice more while shifting to the side. “Hello, spider friend,” I.. didn’t so much say as I signed.

The spider turned a little, then one of its rear legs moved up and wiggled while his thorax shifted. It clicked. “Stop. Wait.”

That... wasn’t addressed to me, I don’t think. I glanced around, and started to notice that a number of the shadows nearby were moving in a way that didn’t match the wind passing through the canopy above.

I shifted my arms again, this time at fixed angles, then I twitched my ears the same way. I was so lucky to be a bun. I was already two limbs short for a proper spider conversation, so my ears were invaluable at the moment. “Hello. We are friends. Not food. Passing through. Hello.”

More spiders appeared, scuttling around tree trunks to come and stare with their many eyes.

There was a faint echo of clicks that I would have dismissed as branches creaking if I didn’t know any better. It was kind of the equivalent of a crowd murmuring.

“Broccoli?” Bastion asked.

“We’re chatting,” I said. “Or I’m trying to. They talk in clicks and with their bodies. It’s kind of complicated.”

“Tell us if they seem to be turning aggressive,” he said.

I gave him a thumb’s up and returned my attention to the first spider that had shown up. It eyed me in turn, then it clicked and wiggled its thorax in a way that was actually kind of cute until I parsed what it was saying.

“Food clicks at us. Strange. Dangerous. New food.”

I wiggled back as soon as I could, and tried not to think of the group of people behind me watching me shake my bum. “Not food. Friend.”

The spider twitched at me. “Look like food. Smell like food. Will taste. See if food.” Then it started to skitter down the tree until I danced faster to get it to pause.

“Don’t eat. Not food,” I said. “Group is passing through trees. Group is looking for other food.” I was running into a pretty big problem with spider vocabulary. Also, getting called "food" was giving me flashbacks to meeting Savan.

The spider let out an irate set of clicks. “All food in forest our food.”

“Our food not in forest,” I replied with some clicks of my own. “Looking for food that looks like us.”

“So is food?”

Oops. I’d fallen into that trap feet-first.

“No. Friend!” I signalled. There was more clicking from the forest, and I had the impression the peanut gallery of giant spiders were finding this exchange very amusing. Hopefully not in the predinner entertainment kind of way.

“Confusing. Is food who says isn’t food. Is looking for food in our trees. Small. No webs. Not enough legs, but can still click,” the big spider said. “Will bring to Mommy.”

“Yes,” I agreed. Was Mommy their leader? Maybe they were matriarchal.

In either case, talking to their leader might be helpful. They might be older and wiser, or maybe just be better at communicating. That would be super helpful all on its own.

“Broccoli!”

I gasped as a large web shot out towards me, white silky material spreading out to envelope me. Then, faster than I could blink, Bastion was there with his sword singing and the web was sliced apart into a thousand ribbons.

I gasped and turned to the spider. “Why web?” I signalled.

“Cocoon the food for Mommy,” it clicked back.

I had the impression it wouldn’t be getting any easier to communicate.

***