30 Days with Fina by JellOfAllTrades

Chapter 13

There are times when I find myself unable to think clearly, like some kind of problem is stuck in my head or some song is endlessly repeating in my mind. This is one of those days.

The reason? I kissed a girl.

Well, it's not my first time. I've kissed dozens of girls in Manila, even a few guys because of some childish dares. But heck, never before have I felt so weird about kissing someone. Not even my first time to kiss someone was this much of a problem for me.

The first time I kissed was when I was thirteen and this girl was unbelievably flirty with me. It was just after the Christmas party and instead of going to the mall with her friends like everybody used to do after such parties, she asked me to accompany her to the playground at the back of the elementary department building. And just because I had a terrible crush on her, I couldn't say no.

I was 12 when I first realized I haven't had any crush on any guy and it was then that I thought that I'm different. I had my moments of confusion about my sexuality. But I always ended up accepting the truth almost immediately because I knew for myself that I've been showing signs of being different ever since I'm a kid.

And maybe one of my girl cousins getting married to another girl triggered this queerness from getting out of the closet. Maybe I wanted to be like her too. To do the things I wanted to do and be who I really am. A girl who likes girls.

Anyways, back to my first kiss. The girl, whom I have a terrible crush asked me if I kissed someone else yet. And me being honest, said no. She asked me if I wanted to try it with her. Since I was curious about what was all the fuss about kisses, I said yes and we kissed.

So, to sum it all up, my first kiss, despite being from my former crush was awkward, sloppy, and well awkward. Especially since about 2 weeks after we kissed, the girl got herself a boyfriend, leaving me somewhat hanging.

Sure, my first kiss was because someone wanted to practice kissing on me but hey, I still enjoyed it. And I thought, maybe if I become a good kisser I can get myself a girlfriend.

The next girl I kissed was for practice. She was the daughter of our house helper and she was incredibly gullible. I remember that she believed everything I told her and she never complained about the kisses or anything. I like to think that my practice with her made me confident about kissing other girls because I never thought again if I was too sloppy or too eager or whatever.

"Shit," I muttered, skipping a step away because I almost stepped on dog poop on the side of the road.

Shaking my head, I tried to wake myself from overthinking again. I couldn't risk daydreaming while on the road, I could get myself run over and killed. So I silently made my way to the seaside playground, still unsure why I'm going there.

Do I want to see Fina? To what? So that I can talk to her about the kiss? That would be absurd. I'm Jellane Ramos. I had dozens of girlfriends in Manila. I can juggle three girls without them knowing I'm cheating on them. Why would I even be bothered by kissing one girl? And a probinsyana for god's sake!

If I really want to talk to Fina this badly, I should have talked to her yesterday. If only the plans for the school didn't take the whole day I could have looked for her.

Damnation. Why am I even bothered in the first place?

I've kissed and fucked dozens of girls in Manila. It's like my weekly (sometimes even daily) routine. Does the fact that Fina is an entirely new thing to me make any difference to that? No, I don't think so.

I've spent my college life walking into a bar or a club, getting some drinks, hitting on a hot girl, and then leaving the place with them to go somewhere else quiet. That's routine.

If they're smoking hot or undeniably good in bed I'd stay with them for some time, but never any longer than a month. Because that's just how I see those girls in Manila, just people who I can lay off my earthly desires.

My girls are usually petite and sexy because I never liked girls bigger than me. Makes me feel less masculine.

I like them with big boobs. Simply because I love boobs.

Or their ass. Damn, if they have a sexy butt, then I want it mine.

I don't necessarily want a girl with experience. I've handled a few who are experimenting with the same sex and I gotta say, although I did most of the work, I like them too.

Fina is none of that.

Okay, well, yeah, she's small and petite, but not hot but rather cute.

She doesn't have big boobs or is she flat chested either. She's just...you know, the usual.

Her ass isn't what I'm looking for and lastly, she's freaking straight!

I never, as in never, work with straight girls. I usually end up in a mess because their boyfriends tend to punch me and their best friends love to slap me.

So, no. I don't like straight girls who are perfectly sure that they won't meddle with the queer like me.

Wait, how am I even sure that Fina is straight?

"Well, duh. She ran away after you kissed her." I mumbled to myself as I arrived at the seaside playground.

I looked around and saw that children are playing, their guardians sitting on a bench, watching them play and some stray dogs are walking around. There's no sign of Fina.

Am I really looking for this girl? It's just a simple kiss. It usually means nothing to me. Why am I bothered?!

Frustrated, I pulled on my hair and mumbled an impressive number of curses in one breath. Feeling a tad bit better, I decided to walk the length of the seawall and sat on the very end, facing the water.

There's something different with the sea today and I'm not sure what. The calm sea breeze too felt somewhat different. It's like somebody suddenly slapped a tinted pair of glasses on me and I didn't notice it until now that it's making everything I see and feel oddly different.

"What is wrong today?" I mutter to the wind.

Wait, is it really the sea, the wind, the sky, and everything else around me that changed, or is it me? Am I changing?

Crap. No, I'm not. What kind of stupid question is that?

I'm still the same person with the same hair, piercings, clothes, and skin color. I'm greatly comfortable with what I am now that changing into something else is out of the question.

I'm rich, I'm cool and hot(whatever you choose), and I can have the girls I want. My life is perfect.

"Is it really perfect?" I ask the sea.

Because, yeah, sure I'm taking up a double degree in Economics but up until now I still have no idea what to do with my life after school.

I may have girlfriends in Manila but never have I fallen in love. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Sometimes I want to know what it is that makes people look so stupid doing things for the one they love. Sometimes I want to know how it feels to have butterflies in one's stomach whenever they see this person they have strong feelings for, although the idea of having flying insects in my guts is somewhat weird.

What is all the fuss about love? Why is it such a big deal?

If you feel that they're the most beautiful creatures in the world even if they have serious facial problems then I think you need to visit an ophthalmologist. I don't really believe that love is beyond just looks because, believe me, the attraction is everything. How can you attract someone if you look like the Hulk?

No. I think love is overrated.

If you feel like you could do everything for them, even if it's out of your way or beyond your capabilities, then I think you're just wasting your time, energy, and resources. I don't really believe that people could do anything in the name of love, it sounds very masochistic to me.

Yeah, love really is overrated and I should consider the fact that I've never felt it before as a good thing. I don't have to do stuff that is out of my way and be with a person that is aesthetically challenged just because I love them.

I leaned on my arms behind my back and looked up into the clear blue sky, inhaling the salty sea breeze and letting it fill my lungs before exhaling deeply through my mouth.

"Jell,"

I froze in place and slowly, I turned my head to the left. But I don't really need to see her to know who it is that said my name, her voice has been playing inside my head for days now and I know it like my favorite song.

"Fina," I breathed.

She looks lovely as ever as her long black hair flowed from her back like a silky curtain being blown by the soft sea breeze and her face that seems so angelic you would wonder where her halo and her wings may be hidden. She's wearing a simple white dress today and the skirt is slowly rippling in the wind. I noticed that she's fidgeting with her hands like she's nervous to talk to me.

I stood up, towering, yet again, over her and she stepped back in fright.

"Wait, di kita sasaktan." I panicked, reaching out to her but quickly retrieving my arm as she only backed away more.

I felt my heart constrict and my mouth dry.

"Fina, wag ka matakot sakin, please."

Fina looked at me like she's about to cry. Tears are already on the edge of her round black eyes.

"I'm sorry." I said. "I should have listened to you. Hindi dapat ako naglasing."

"Hindi mo naman kailangan makinig sakin eh." She said silently. "Wala lang naman ako sayo, Jell. Mayaman ka, magandang gwapo, edukado--"

"Kaibigan kita, Fina." I blurted out.

She stared at me, somewhat shocked that I said that.

"Kaibigan kita, Fina." I repeated. "And friends tell their friends what they think is right at tama ka, hindi dapat ako maglasing. Kasi ano ba namang nagagawa sakin nun diba? Pansamantalang kasiyahan tapos ano? Paggising ko kinabukasan hangover na parang may nagmamartilyo sa ulo ko? Kaibigan kita, Fina, at tama ka. Wala akong pakialam kung langit at lupa pa ang agwat nating dalawa kasi, Fina, kaibigan kita at tama ka."

I don't know why I told her that. Yeah, sure I think of her as my friend and maybe deep inside me I want to make her more than my friend, but that's just it, she's my friend.

Fina looked at me for a few seconds, letting my words sink in until she shook her head and looked away into the sea.

I felt like somewhat poured a bucket of ice-cold water over my head as she did that. I felt like a rock was dropped in my stomach. I felt like squirming and screaming and frustrating all at the same time. I felt like I lost her.

And then she smiled.

At that moment I felt like the sun grew brighter, the wind somewhat slower and the crashing of waves into the seawall softer. Time seemed to slow down and I felt like my heart rate increased, my palms grew sweaty and my stomach somewhat empty.

She looks so beautiful.

"Really? 'Kahit langit at lupa pa ang agwat nating dalawa'? Anong nangyari sayo Jellane Ramos? Nalasing ka lang naging korni ka na."

Her words seemed to wake me up from a daydream. That's it? After everything I said all she's going to say is that I'm corny?

"Yun na yun?" I asked, bewildered.

"Anong 'yun na yun'?" She replied, looking back at me.

"Di ka galit? Takot? Nandidiri or whatsoever?"

"Bakit naman ako magagalit, matatakot o mandidiri sayo? Naglasing ka lang naman Jell, malaking kasalanan na ba yun?"

I just looked at her. Is it possible that she forgot that I kissed her or...

"Oo nga naman, naglasing lang ako." I grinned.

No, the kiss never happened. It was just a creation of my drunken imagination. What the heck have I've been worrying and bothered about since yesterday? I've never kissed Fina! I just made that all up!

"Tara, Fina, merienda tayo. Nagugutom ako."