30 Days with Fina by JellOfAllTrades

Chapter 20

I sat staring at the credits of the second movie I've seen today. Absent-minded, I even forgot the title of the movie. I've been too occupied thinking about Fina that an hour of scenes of fight scenes, guns, and car chases just flashed by before my eyes like headlights of passing cars in a busy high way.

"Ate Jell, okay ka lang?" There was a tap on my shoulder and when I turned around, I saw Kier frowning at me. "May masakit ba sa'yo?"

"I'm fine, thanks."

"You're fine but you're not okay," Kuya Ken chimed up from behind Kier.

I just ignored him and stared at my hands, realizing just now that I've been playing with the small golden ring Mamita gave to me years ago.

"We heard about your friend," Kuya Ken continued from behind me. "Cancer daw sabi ni Gerald?"

I didn't answer and just closed my eyes, remembering yet again how pale Fina was yesterday and how I didn't notice the yellowness of her eyes all those times that I've been with her.

"Alam mo, ngayon ka na lang ulit namin nakitang ganyan katahimik since nagladlad ka kay Mamita." Kuya Ken said, sitting beside me. "After you recovered from her rejection para kang hayop na nakawala sa hawla noon. Alala mo pa, Kier? Dun naging playgirl tong si Jell eh."

"Yeah, I remember those days quite clear. Kung sino sinong babae naman kasi nakikita kong kasama niyan eh." Kier added, chuckling on my other side.

I stood up from between my brothers and proceeded to the stairs without a word.

"JELL!"

I looked back at kuya Ken who looks genuinely worried at me. "What?"

"Cheer up,"

I gave my brothers a small smile. "Labas lang ako,"

When I got out of the ancestral house, I crossed the road and admired it upfront. I don't even know why I want to look at it when I've been seeing it every time I come home from my time outside.

Home. This is the first time I've called this place my home because last time I remember, my home is in Manila, where my girlfriends are waiting for me and where my friends are waiting for my return to the club.

Staring at the three-story house built back in the 1940s, the feeling of insignificance resurfaced again. The house has endured for so many decades, and yet it still looks like a giant, overlooking the small town of Calauag. This is the house wherein my ancestors built the name of Folloso into greatness.

Despite going home every day, seeing the facade, only now did I realize that the roof's drainage pipe is leaking and moss has invaded the white walls where the water is dripping. There is also a thick cobweb under the third-floor balcony like it hasn't been cleaned in years.

"You see but you do not observe," I whispered, remembering Sherlock Holmes' response to Dr. John Watson when asked about his methods on solving cases.

I started walking with no destination in mind. My body still hurts from the fight but unlike yesterday, the pain has subsided from a punching-like pain into a pinching-like pain. Also, my posture is noticeably better than yesterday.

"You see but you do not observe." The same thing can be said to me for not noticing Fina's sickness. How can I let the paleness pass for something else? And how many times have I've stared at Fina's darkly colored eyes to just overlook the yellowness in them?

I stopped and stared at where my feet have brought me. Waves softly crashing on the seawall, fishermen preparing their nets on their boats that are tied to the seawall and children laughing, running around with their friends as their guardians sit talking on the benches. Once again, I found myself in the seaside playground.

Crossing the playground, I continued to the end of the seawall where a girl sat alone, looking over the sea, her long black hair whipping in the sea breeze.

"You look like a goddess overlooking her kingdom," I said, sitting down beside her.

She didn't respond and silence filled the air between us. I don't know what to say and I can feel that she's struggling, too.

"I'm sorry," She whispered.

"Bakit hindi mo kaagad sinabi sa akin?"

"Ayokong mag-alala ka,"

"And you think hindi ako nagaalala ngayon? My god, Fina! Sinama kita sa CamSur, tinuruan kitang mag-knee boarding! Paano kung napagod ka masyado nung araw na iyon? Hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko kung may nangyaring masama sa'yo."

"That's exactly why I don't tell people about my cancer. Nagbabago tingin niyo sa akin na para bang isang hawak niyo lang sa'kin mababasag ako."

I closed my eyes, trying to fight the conflicting emotions of worry and anger.

"Jell, kung nalaman mo ba agad yung cancer ko, isasama mo ako sa CamSur?"

I shook my head.

"Nag-enjoy ako nung araw na yun. Na kahit sumama pakiramdam ko after, okay lang. Kasi worth it naman eh." Fina said, looking at me.

"I could have done something else for you para hindi ka napagod. There are ways to enjoy without doing much, Fina."

"Pero ayoko ng special treatment. Gusto ko kung anong ginagawa ng normal na tao."

I felt my heart ache at her words. She sounded like she desperately wants to be healthy again.

"G-gaano ka na katagal may sakit?" I managed.

"Bata pa lang ako noong na-diagnose ako with hepatitis and liver cirrhosis."

I gulped, imagining a young Fina in a hospital bed, suffering from her disease. "And the cancer?"

"Just after first-year of college."

A year of treatment and yet she reached stage four. It sounds like nothing worked on her.

"Sinong doctor mo? Anong treatment sa'yo?"

Fina gave me a small smile and gently shook her head.

I felt like a rock was dropped on my stomach but I ignored it. "Fina, answer me."

"Wala, Jell. Hindi na namin afford magpa-chemo kaya I stopped any treatments after only three months. Vitamins and maintenance lang."

I closed my eyes, feeling frustrated, worried, and angry. How can this happen to someone so beautiful, so nice, so smart, and with so many hopes in life? Why Fina?

I felt her cold hand on mine and I opened my eyes to see Fina smiling at me. That smile that managed to deceive me of the true nature of her health.

"Pano mo nagagawang ngumiti na parang wala kang problema?"

"Kasi hindi ko pinoproblema," She squeezed my hand.

Why her?

Why her when it could have been me? Me who played with girls, drank and partied so much back in Manila. Me who has nothing planned for the future. Me who played around with my life.

Why must it be Fina suffering when she deserves better?

If I could just give her my life, I would greatly do so, because I know she can do more with it than I would.

She would become a great teacher and would inspire so many children. She would find someone deserving of her love and they would marry and build a family together. She would continue to help those children in the orphanage and she could even write a book.

So many good things that could happen to her, all gone because of a disease that's slowly killing her.

"Jell," Fina said. Oh, I love it when she says my name. "Smile ka na, please?"

"Bakit hindi ka nahihirapan?"

"Kasi tanggap ko na,"

"Hindi ko matanggap," I hung my head, feeling hopeless.

"Kaya ayoko sabihin sa'yo eh. Tingnan mo," Fina chuckled, squeezing my hand again. "Smile ka na, Jell."

I looked at Fina, not just look but really look at her as if it's the first time I saw her. I looked at her eyes and noticed the yellow in it. I tried to look at her eyebrows, her nose, her lips, her cheeks like I've never seen them before. Because I saw but did not observe, and now, I'm not going to repeat the same mistake.

Slowly, despite the frustration, the worry, the pain, and the anger, I smiled. Because all that matters is not the past or the future, but the present. And in the present she is with me, holding my hand.

"Ngiti lang palagi ha, Jell?"

"For you, I will."