Thank god Grey and I had chosen to take our night time swim in the early hours of Sunday morning so I didn't have to go to school the next day. We didn't leave the pool until gone 6am when we darted out, shivering in the cool air to to change back into our clothes that stuck to damp skin. Before we rushed back up to the dormitories to shower and change. As we parted our separate ways Grey leaned in and gripped me in a vice tight hug. He smelt of chlorine and his hair dripped in a steady flow of icy droplets down my back. We managed to slip back our respective rooms while everyone was still asleep. There was an element of secrecy to the outing, though we hadn't done anything that needed to be kept secret. More of a need for privacy. We didn't need everyone to know what we'd been doing, it was just between us.

I showered in boiling hot water that was startling compared to the icy freshness of the pool we'd just been in. Even though I scrubbed my skin I could still feel the ghost of Grey's arms around my waist. It was different to the way I remembered Jackson's touch which was dirty and I couldn't scrub off however hard I tried, this was like an invisible tattoo that I had chosen myself.

I closed my eyes with a minute smile on my face and couldn't contain the blush that rose to my cheeks. The entire time I dressed in jeans and a simple grey t-shirt I couldn't stop grinning. Even when I was brushing my teeth I looked in the mirror and couldn't recognise the person there who looked so utterly contented.

Suddenly my morning routine was interrupted by a knock at my door, I was surprised, none of the boys usually knocked. I called out,

"Come in."

It was Sawyer who pushed the door open, standing on the other side in dark jeans and a pale blue t-shirt that complimented his dark skin beautifully. My smile grew ever so slightly wider.

"Hey," he shifted looking slightly awkward, a slight blush rose to his cheeks, "I know it's kind of early but I saw your light on and wondered if you wanted another piano lesson. I was just on my way there now."

He was rambling and it was adorable, I grinned in response, "yeah, I'd love to. But by lesson I hope you mean you playing while I admire from the sidelines."

"Hey," Sawyer looked at me with his considering eyes, "you're better than you give yourself credit for."

"Whatever you say," I laughed, our feet moved in perfect synchronisation, echoing on the floor as we left my room and headed towards the music room with the beautiful piano.

"You're in a good mood this morning," Sawyer observed, albeit a little suspiciously.

"I don't know how long it will last without coffee," I admitted which made Sawyer chuckle quietly.

"I'll make sure you get some then," Sawyer nodded, we'd arrived at the music room and Sawyer yanked the huge door open for me to pass through into the room that was illuminated in the beautiful morning light streaming in through the windows.

"Wow," I breathed out admiring the glowing walls with a spin. When I looked back down Sawyer was watching me with an intensity in his eyes. For a split second I thought he might march over to me and wrap his arms around me and pull me close and, then he blinked.

"Beautiful," he whispered, I didn't know if he was talking about me or the room. I didn't ask. Instead I sat down at the piano stool and waited for him to join me. He did and we sat with our arms brushing against each other as he lifted his fingers to brush them over the keys lovingly.

"What are you going to play?" I asked in a hushed tone, it seemed a crime to speak above a whisper in here, as of the only noise that should touch the walls could be music.

Sawyer didn't respond before inhaling a long, smooth breath and beginning his piece. It was staggering, I felt each individual note like a punch to the gut. It was a lyrical piece that was slow in places and fast and intricate in others but always formed of a perfect harmonising of notes. The sounds were light and soft and reminded me of the feelings of first love and of racing hearts and blushing cheeks. Of sneaking out late and holding hands in the dark under street lights. By the time Sawyer hit the final note I had a tear running down my cheek.

I was aware of Sawyer looking at me, then he was reaching up to, ever so gently, wipe the tear off my cheek though he let his hand linger against my skin for a moment before snatching it away.

"Wow," I mouthed my word barely making a sound.

"Cara?" Sawyer answered, I knew he was about ask me something because that was the way all of them started, "are you okay?"

"I don't know," it was the first honest reply I'd given to that question, because truthfully I didn't, "do you think it's possible to love someone and hate them at the same time?"

"Definitely," Sawyers conviction told me that he knew this from experience.

I looked at him through eyelashes damp with tears, "who?"

"My mom," he gave a weak half smile, "I'll always love her because she was my mom but I hate her for leaving me. Even before she died she wasn't a very good mom, and I hate her for that too. But then I hate myself for hating her, nearly as much as I hate myself for loving her."

I blinked at Sawyer a couple of times, I'd never heard him really talk about his mom, all I knew was that she'd committed suicide. He'd never spoken about what she was like before that or how it had affected him. I gave him a minute to gather himself,

"Tell me," I encouraged cautiously.

"She ..," Sawyer hesitated, this was clearly a story he hadn't told a lot of people, "she was a drug addict, cocaine mostly. It made her calm sometimes but other times it made her angry. She was unpredictable and would have traded her soul to make sure she got her next high. She couldn't keep down a job and spent all the little money we had on drugs. She never took care of me really, she was violent towards me sometimes but mainly she was just neglectful. Once she left me in the house alone for two days, I was five. She'd bring guys back to our flat as well, and they weren't always that," Sawyer paused searching for the right word, "friendly."

I sat there aghast. He hadn't looked at me the entire time he'd been speaking but now his soulful eyes finally returned to mine, I couldn't understand how he could always be so optimistic and gentle given all that he'd gone through.

"I'm so sorry," I shook my head slowly, emotion filling each of my words fully.

"Don't be," Sawyer reached up and cupped my cheek with his hand, "I've got a mom and dad who love me now. I'm lucky that I have them, they've always been amazing. Right from the moment I met them they've been lovely to me."

"It's conflicting isn't it," I breathed out hoping my voice didn't betray my rising pulse at Sawyers touch, "you know they're a bad parent but they're all you've ever known and your entire world revolves around them and you want to hate them so badly for letting you down but at the same time you'll never stop loving them and never stop hoping that they'll change."

"Exactly," Sawyer agreed, "I don't think you're just talking about your mom though." Sawyer knew everything.

"No," I agreed, "I'm not."

"Jackson?" Sawyer guessed, delicately he caressed his thumb across my cheekbone in small circles that actually soothed me.

"Yeah," I nodded, "he's everywhere I go and I can't escape him but I know that's because part of me doesn't want to escape him. Sometimes I long for what we had again, we did have some really good times you know? There were reasons why I loved him, why I stayed for so long. When I miss him it's hard to remember his darker side, but I hate myself for that. It makes me feel weak and pathetic, I'm just a teenager what would I know about love anyway? It's all so conflicting and there's a constant internal battle going on inside me that stops me from moving anywhere."

Sawyer's touch was distracting my thoughts meaning that I didn't concentrate on what I was saying until I'd let it all out and it was too late to take it back. I bit down on my lip hard at the end of my monologue shocked at myself.

"Let him go," Sawyers breathed the words out onto my face and I felt myself exhale deeply with him, "you can have good times with someone but if the bad memories outweigh the good ones then you need to let them go. They're toxic and you deserve better than that in you life. I'm not staying stop loving them of forget them all together, they're a part of who you are. You just have to let them go, don't let them have a place in your mind."

I absorbed Sawyer's advice, as wise as ever. He had the perfect answer to everything, he was always so understanding and considerate. More than any of the other boys I felt we understood each other's situations and feelings. We'd had very different experiences but they'd accumulated in the same feelings. We breathed together, inhaling a sense of hopefulness and exhaling the cobwebs in the dark corners of our minds where our deepest fears remained locked in cages.

"Cara," the door exploded open and I flinched suddenly, my hand flying to my chest as I gasped in shock. Sawyer lept away from me snatching his hand from my face although the intruder would have already seen us. We sat at the far ends of the piano stool guilt painting our faces pink though we had nothing to be ashamed of.

It was Mitch who'd come barging in, he was wearing his football kit from practise and had sweat rolling down his forehead in a way that was surprisingly attractive.

"What?" I was alert at once, my mind racing through every worse case scenario for what had happened.

"Your dads back!" Mitch beamed though his eyes held some reservation as they darted between me and Sawyer, who was staring very pointedly at the piano.

"What?" I jumped up from the stool, "he didn't tell me. Where is he?"

"It was a surprise," Mitch's mouth pulled up into a devilish grin, "he's in his room."

I immediately rushed to the door but at the last moment I halted and looked back over my shoulder to where Sawyer remained frozen on his seat though he'd swivelled to watch me leave. He waved an encouraging hand,

"Go," he instructed sincerely.

I have him a smile of gratitude for being so understanding before rushing straight down the corridor with Mitch just a few paces in front of me eager to see my dad.