The date today is June 3rd and I am almost 14 weeks pregnant, and I was honestly starting to understand why everyone complained during pregnancy.

I had gotten even more "symptoms" so that was fun and totally not a pain in my ass at all.

I had a date tonight, and I was honestly feeling extremely nervous, especially since I had gotten these amazing new symptoms.

Not to mention that I had a real bump now.

It was honestly hella cute, and I loved looking at it whenever I could.

One morning I just woke up with a b u m p. Like it wasn't some pudgy little bloating, but it had actual form to it.

It didn't change in size like it used to, unlike how when Colby saw my bump after I drank all that water and it was mostly bloating. It stayed its shape and was starting to round out quite a bit which was cool.

I've started getting round ligament pains which has been fun. What that means is the sides of my belly like to hurt because my womb is expanding to fit my little baby. I've also started getting some pretty intense headaches. My boobs were still sore as fuck and I've just accepted that I'll be spending 9 months of my life with boob pain, and then whatever happens when the baby is born.

My boobs have definitely grown, which meant I needed to buy more bras. Definitely something a broke bitch wants to do, right?

My pants were also starting to get tight which did not at all help my body image issue at the moment, or my bank account.

I was extremely nervous as to what the third trimester was going to be like, if I ALREADY had to go buy new jeans.

I figured I would be one of the women who's milk comes in before the baby is here, and I was conflicted if I was looking forward to that.

I read that your colostrum can start coming in as early as 16 weeks, which meant I needed to invest in a pump pretty soon if that was the case.

I also needed to figure out if I wanted to freeze my breast milk or donate it, if it did in fact come in early.

Surely I won't need MONTHS in advance of saved breast milk before the baby even gets here, right?

I knew I needed to keep the colostrum for when the baby was born, but I wouldn't need all that extra milk, right?

Another cute perk of pregnancy, is it ruins your underwear. Which meant I lived in period underwear, only adding to my body image issues.

Nothing says sexy like period underwear.

You thought period discharge was bad? Wait till you're pregnant.

I wasn't even sure what I was going to wear on this date tonight. I didn't want to ruin my nice cute underwear all because being pregnant is a bitch, but also didn't want to show up to my date wearing granny panties.

I kept hearing how wonderful pregnancy was, and so far it wasn't bad. Nothing insane has happened, just slight inconveniences to my life. When I was 13 weeks pregnant, when the discharge had started, I had a mental breakdown in the bathroom thinking I was bleeding, my brain telling me I lost the baby, when in reality I had a gush of discharge leave my body.

I was still emotional, but it wasn't as bad as it was in the first trimester. I felt a little more like myself. I was still taking my iron medication and working on lowering my blood pressure.

I now had a reminder alarm for each morning to take so many vitamins, because another thing no one told me about.

You don't just take prenatal vitamins. I swear my bedroom is a walking pharmacy.

I was laying in bed last night after I had finished texting Aaliyah and googled what was going on with my baby and it only led to crying.

I wanted to know before I wrote in my baby journal, but I hadn't even gotten to open the journal before my eyesight was completely blurred.

My baby was growing hair on its head, eyelashes and eyebrows. It was gaining more of an identity and the idea of all of this going on whilst I was laying in bed made me very overwhelmed.

So much was happening without me even knowing it. The idea of just a tiny little baby growing eyebrows inside my stomach whilst I cried on the couch or ate a brownie in the kitchen was quite the weird feeling.

You honestly feel pretty insignificant once you kind of just sit there and think about how much is going on inside your stomach whilst you're lounging on the couch watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

I was currently at my parents house, waiting for my brownies to finish baking in the oven, before I was going to go over to Gabriel's apartment so we could talk about the baby, and what we were going to do.

I was working really hard on the art piece for Sam and Colby, along with making sure the house stayed in order whilst my mom was recovering.

She's gotten a lot better recently, but brain surgery recovery is no joke.

It sucks watching her suffer, but it's nice to know she's at least getting better, and will hopefully be back to the woman I used to know.

I haven't seen Gabe in a while, and we only texted a few times which made this whole situation a lot harder.

I knew he really was trying, and that he was super busy with work.. it just sucked to know I couldn't roll over and snuggle him in the middle of the night or bitch to him at 3am when I was in too much pain to sleep.

Aaliyah and River had come over last week to help me figure out a plan to keep this baby, because every time I thought about giving away my little baby, I felt my heart get torn apart, so I knew I couldn't. Which meant it was game time.

I needed to figure this out, and I needed to figure it out now.

River suggested opening up an art shop, but I didn't feel like handling the stress of managing the orders, and the business pages, but I still needed a job which meant we were back to the drawing board.

No pun intended.

After a couple hours of going through things I could do whilst pregnant, my dad suggested a teaching job, but there was only one problem, most teaching jobs need a college diploma, which I didn't have.

My dad and I spent a while looking online for teaching jobs, and we came across one for a High School part time art teacher, which sounded too good to be true.

It wasn't too far from Sam and Colby's house, it fit my hours for Target, and it didn't seem like it would be insanely stressful to where it would be bad for my blood pressure.

We looked more into it, and I submitted my resumé and artwork to them, hoping to God they wouldn't want a diploma, or I was screwed.

Target paid okay, but it definitely wasn't enough to support my bills and a baby.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn't getting nervous as to what I was going to do when I was too pregnant to work, but since I was under so much stress right now, I figured that was an issue for another day.

I jumped when the oven beeped, taking out the freshly baked brownies when my brother's boyfriend walked into the kitchen.

"Those smell good Leigh!" Braxton complimented and I thanked him, setting them down to cool.

"I'm not a good baker, but I'm good enough to fulfill my cravings. This baby is going to make me gain weight like nobody's business" I laughed, touching my very prominent little bump.

"It's good to gain weight when you're pregnant Leigh. You're growing a baby" Landon reminded me, and I knew it was because of my pizza night meltdown, but I chose to ignore that.

I had finally figured out what I wanted to do for the birth of my baby, which was exciting. I watched a lot of videos of people's Storytime videos and what they went through. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't insanely nervous to talk to Gabe about what I had decided. I really wasn't looking for another fight, so I hoped he'd just trust me and go with the flow, but knowing him, that would be far from the truth.

We had talked over the phone about the adoption idea, and he was completely against it. So I guess that all worked out since I wanted to keep this baby anyway, I just needed to figure out how I was going to do that financially.

He also said I needed to remember about the income I'd also be getting from him to help pay for the baby. I knew his income would be helpful, but definitely not enough. I honestly did keep forgetting that he is a part of this baby's life since he hasn't been very active in the pregnancy. I haven't even considered that I would be getting a portion of income for this baby from him. I was kind of stuck on the idea of doing it all alone and it was all I could think about. I was trying really hard to remember that he was also working, plus he had a fresh new relationship to care for.

Like a flower. He had to water it, give it sunlight and I just prayed he didn't fertilize it too.

I wanted to rip his flower apart, but I knew I had to be a grown up about it, but that didn't stop me crying about it at 1am every night when I felt lonely and stressed.

Speaking of being lonely, I haven't heard from Aryia, and honestly, I didn't want to. It was a mistake, and I knew it shouldn't've happened. I was horny as fuck, but I should've used better judgment, and I wish I could take it all back.

I knew I had really hurt Colby, even if he wouldn't admit it to me. I was honestly just tired of unintentionally hurting him. I wanted to be his friend, but all I managed to do was disappoint him. It felt like every time I tried to take a step in the right direction, I was just one step closer to falling off the cliff, or maybe even being pushed off.

It was the same exact feeling I felt in High School, and I had no idea how to fix it, let alone where to even start. My old way of coping was to smoke and do drugs, but I couldn't exactly do that now that I was pregnant.

I'd be lying if I told you that the past few weeks, I haven't been insanely nervous that I will be kicked out. I knew Colby said he forgave me, and has even hung out with me and been super helpful for Landon... but that didn't change the fact that I still think he has hurt feelings over the whole being lied to situation.

Yeah Colby and I have been on good terms, but that doesn't take away the fact that we were both avoiding having a super in depth conversation again of what had happened.

Every time I tried to, he seemed to not want to talk about it. I honestly just wanted to clear the air, but it seemed like he just wanted to forget about it.

I just didn't want to just throw another Skelton into my closet, because at some point it will come tumbling out and be blown up in my face, yet again.

I was currently apartment hunting alongside job hunting, but I haven't told Sam and Colby that.

I had no intentions of moving out right now, but I at least needed this stuff on my radar the closer I got to giving birth to this baby. I didn't want to bring my baby home for the first time into my roommates house. I had already inconvenienced their life enough as it is, I didn't want to add a baby on top of that.

One of the issues I was running into was a lot of places wanted a record of your work in the sense to make sure you could afford rent and most places wanted you to be working somewhere for two years to even consider you as a renter, which made things a lot harder.

It doesn't help that living in LA made everything insanely expensive and I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't have fleeting thoughts about moving back home to Minnesota.

At least their rent would be a lot cheaper for a lot nicer of a place.

I would also be lying to you if I told you I didn't have a plan to tour some places I had found in Minnesota when I was going to visit my Aunt and Uncle.

I wanted to figure out what my best option was for my price range, and what place would give my baby the best chance of growing up with a good life.

"Leigh, when are you leaving?" I heard Landon ask, watching him wrap his arms around his boyfriend, hugging him from behind.

"Um.. shit I should've left five minutes ago!" I yelled, quickly grabbing a lunch baggie and shoving two brownies into it.

"BEING PREGNANT IS A PAIN WHEN YOU NEED TO LEAVE! I WANT TO EAT THESE BROWNIES BUT I NEED TO PEE!" I yelled, setting the baggie down and going to the bathroom.

That was one thing I was looking forward to being over with. Using the bathroom so often.

I couldn't leave the house without using the bathroom, and the inconvenience was extremely aggravating.

I have at least learned I have to pee less the less I move around, which gave me another excuse to lounge on the couch whenever I could.

I was convinced I was having to pee more than I should be at 15 weeks, but what I learned is it doesn't matter how far along you are as much as it does where the baby is sitting. I also thought I had a UTI, which is common when you're pregnant, but I went in and was all cleared, so basically I just get to suffer by almost peeing my pants every day.

When I arrived outside of Gabe's door, I could feel my heart race out of anticipation for the conversation that was ahead of me.

I slowly knocked on the door, holding my breath as I heard the click and watched it open.

"Hey, how are you?" Gabe asked, hugging me.

"I've been better. I'm warning you now, I will be leaving in a hurry to pee very often" I grumbled, wishing my baby would move. Worst case it was my uterus's fault for growing, but I was trying not to think about having this problem, this bad, for so long.

I had googled ways to move your baby, but none of the positions had worked so far, which only made me feel frustrated and disappointed.

Gabe and I had small talk for a little bit, trying to figure out how to bring up the topic of the birth.

I knew it was inevitable, but I was still afraid. I decided to bite the bullet and just go for it, hoping it didn't bite me in the ass later. "So... I was thinking about the birth" I trailed off and he tilted his head, shifting his seating position.

"What about it?"

"I don't think I want a hospital birth" I spoke quickly, not wanting to chicken out.

"WHAT?! What do you mean you don't want a hospital birth! What, are you just going to have our child on the fucking floor?!" He yelled, startling me.

"Why are you yelling?"

"YOU'RE TALKING CRAZY! A hospital is the safest place for a baby to be born!" He exclaimed.

"I understand that, but research shows that home births are just as safe. Yes, there is fear of complication, but if I die I'd rather die in my own home"

"Okay but if our baby dies because you wanted a home birth, do you know how we would both feel?!" He shouted and I could hear in his voice how blind sided he was, making me feel bad.

"Don't say that" I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes at the idea of my baby dying.

"THAT IS REALISTIC LEIGHTON! THE BABY COULD DIE! A hospital birth is the safest for the baby!"

He made me feel extremely guilty now, like I was a horrible mother just by making this one decision on my own.

"THE BABY COULD DIE AT THE HOSPITAL TOO! Can we stop talking about our baby dying please?!" I sobbed, unwanted visuals filling my thoughts.

Gabe sighed, running his hands over his face in frustration. "Why do you want an at home birth?" he asked, sitting back down.

"I can have a home birth, a hospital birth or there are birthing centers" I told him, feeling anxiety creep up.

"Why would you want to put not only yourself, but your baby at risk like that? We both know the hospital is the safest route! Why would you want to pick anything other than the safest for our baby?" He asked, sounding judgmental and I felt myself get defensive.

"I'm not! I understand that the hospital is the safest place to give birth in, but what about comfort? I don't want to be in a white room with beeping machines as I push around strangers, sharing our moment with people who don't care. I want to be able to have my baby without being stared at. Without feeling like a science experiment! I don't want to be a study! I want to be a mother!" I felt myself get choked up and I heard him sigh.

I knew what I meant to get across wasn't happening the way it was supposed to since I was extremely emotional right now, and certain pin points were sounding irrational, but I was feeling upset that he would accuse me of not wanting the best for my baby.

All I could think about is what was best. It's a thought that controlled me twenty four seven. If I wasn't thinking about what the best for my baby was, I would've done a lot of things differently.

"Okay, well let's talk about it. I'm sorry for yelling. You know where I stand, but I'm willing to hear you out as to why you want a home birth" He said and I nodded, taking a deep breath and wiping at my tears.

I got up quickly and blew my nose then peed before coming back, seeing Gabe was on his phone.

I rolled my eyes and sat back down.

"Really?" I asked and he looked up, his eyebrow furrowed.

"What?"

I shook my head and decided to let it go, getting comfy on the couch.

"I want to birth my baby in the comfort of my own home. My own space, people I trust. With people who have our best interest. I don't want to be in a bright sterile room with a million strangers. I did a lot of research. I'm not just having this idea out of the blue. Death rates are no lower at home than they are at a hospital. You have a trained midwife who is basically like an OBGYN, I'm not just popping out a baby on my own. They do the same process a hospital does Gabe. It's basically the same, just it's in our own space. I'm not saying this is a deciding factor for me, but it is a perk that it's cheaper. You don't rack up a hospital bill from staying. You don't have the drive home. You're already home. I give birth and go to bed in my own bed. The idea of being home, staying home, and having everything for the baby here, makes me feel a lot of comfort. Laying our baby in their bed right away, and not in a plastic bin... everything about a home birth sounds more humane. I know it sounds silly... but wouldn't you rather look at our newborn laying in their bed than in a plastic box on wheels?" I asked, wiping at my eyes.

"I understand why you think this way, but I'm thinking along the sides of, what if something goes wrong? I don't mean to get dark again, but what if the baby isn't breathing?"

Gabe bringing up the baby dying once again, made it extremely clear to me that this was one of his biggest fears. That he thought about this an awful lot to where it was clouding his thoughts, and opinions.

"We call 911" I said and he shook his head, seeming frustrated.