There are three things that I hate in life.

1: Stress

2: Dressing Up

3: A bunch of people

So who the fuck let me allow Aaliyah to plan my baby shower?

The second I gave her and Katrina the reins of this event, there was instant regret.

I got home from work, and the first message I saw on my phone was "Have you figured out your baby registry yet?" which stressed me out.

Aaliyah kept hounding me about it, which meant I was now sitting in front of a laptop next to Colby who was playing Mario Kart with Stas and Brennen.

"What do you even need for a baby? Other than like clothes and bottles and diapers? I don't want to add expensive things" I frowned, quickly opening a new tab to Google baby must haves.

"Have you thought about the nursery?" Stas asked and I sighed, opening my texts with Gabe.

Gabriel had sent me some pics of the nursery's paint color, and I was starting to feel guilty.

He had more done and ready for this baby than I did.

"I wanted to wait... cause I want to know the gender, and get a feel for them y'know?" I spoke quietly, feeling ashamed.

One thing I will never get used to, is that someone always has an opinion. If you're pregnant, you have to be doing this and that or you're going to hurt your baby.

One thing my mom told me about is how much worse it gets when the baby actually gets here. How many people who don't even know you, will give you their opinion and how someone will call you a bad mom no matter what you do.

When I was over for dinner one night, one thing my mom told me was "Do it your way" which has been the best advice I've gotten so far.

I texted Gabe, asking if he wanted anything put on the baby registry before googling must haves.

"Jesus Christ!" I yelled, startling all three of them.

"What?" Colby asked, turning to look over at me as he crossed the finish line, coming in 4th place.

"You got beat by NPCs!" Stas laughed, having come in second place.

"Car seats are so expensive!" I frowned, seeing the one listed was 300 dollars.

"How much are they?" She asked, moving to sit next to me.

"This one is 300. Is it a bad idea to get a used one?" I asked and she shrugged.

"You could always have it checked" She suggested and I nodded, scrolling through some car seats.

I then fell down a rabbit hole of infant car seat safety, tuning out Colby and Brennen's' trash talk as they continued to play.

"I should get a convertible car seat right?" I asked no one in particular.

"Like.. the car?" Brennen asked, making me laugh.

"No! It grows with the baby, so you don't have to keep buying car seats" I explained, letting out an oof sound as Colby bumped into me when he leaned back against the couch in frustration.

"Watch out for the pregnant lady!" I lectured, scooting over closer to Stas.

"Sorry" he muttered, focusing back on Brennen.

"Alright, what's up with you? Did the date not go well?" I asked him, fed up with his weird behavior.

He's been acting like I'm not even here, and it's annoying.

Colby goes through these phases with me where he constantly texts me, or I don't hear from him for weeks.

"Did your breakup go well?" He shot back and I gave him a weird look, my head tilting.

"What?"

"Nothing. I'm fine. Sorry" he brushed off, leaving me confused.

"No, talk to me. You said we weren't going back to our old ways! What's up?" I tried again and he stayed quiet, so I rolled my eyes and looked back down at his laptop.

"Want to play?" Brennen asked me and I shook my head, immersed in the article that was child car seat safety.

Gabe got back to me and suggested a few brands he had found for car seats, which lead to us talking about what kind of diapers we wanted to use, and if we wanted to put those also on the registry.

"Earth to Leigh" Stas waved her hand in my face, catching my attention.

"Hm?" I hummed, looking up from my phone.

"Are you going to come with us for sushi?" She asked and I gave her a weird look.

"Pregnant, remember?" I motioned to my bloated baby belly and she smiled, shaking her head.

"You can get sushi rolls that don't have seafood in them?" She suggested and I shrugged.

"I'm not sure how I would do with the smell of seafood. I would rather be safe than sorry. Sorry"

I looked back down at my phone, reading the text Gabe sent about a diaper brand.

The longer I was texting Gabe about what kind of baby stuff we want to use, and researching brands and comparing cheap versus expensive things, the more stressed I was getting.

"Leigh?" I heard and I looked up again, confused as to why they wanted my attention again.

"Hm?"

"Are you good? We've been trying to ask you a question" Stas asked and I nodded.

"Yeah sorry, what?"

"Where do you want to get food? We can't just not feed the pregnant lady" She laughed and I smiled, growing a liking to her.

"I'm on a pretty strict iron and veggie diet so you guys can do whatever" I shrugged, turning back to my phone, Gabe's few messages showing up.

Gabe and I were looking into how to reduce some of the swelling in my feet and legs since it was starting to become pretty painful, but before I could reply back, my phone was stolen out from under me.

"Alright enough phones for you!" Colby plucked my track phone from my hands.

"HEY! What the hell is wrong with you guys?!" I yelled, my patience running thin.

"Can you focus on us for a second?" He asked and my brow furrowed.

"Give me my phone back!" I yelled, trying to grab it, but he moved quickly.

"Where do you want to go for dinner?" He asked and I glared at him.

"I'm only going to say this once. And I will say it as nicely as you're getting. GIVE ME MY FUCKING PHONE BACK NOW OR SO HELP ME GOD YOU WILL FEEL IT IN THE MORNING!" I yelled, his eyes widening.

"What's so important on your phone?" He asked, and I watched him look down at my phone.

"THAT'S NOT YOURS!" I yelled, trying to stand up, but I wobbled a bit, falling backwards.

"WOAH!" Stas yelled, catching me.

"Colby, just give her her phone back" Stas said and I felt a dull ache in my back, and the front of my stomach from the awkward fall.

"What do you want for din-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD COLBY, I DON'T WANT TO EAT DINNER WITH YOU!" I yelled, tears welling up at the waterline.

"Why?"

"What is your problem? One second you're ignoring me, and the next you're taking my things and won't listen to me!"

"Leigh-"

"NO! YOU LISTEN TO ME. I'M THE ONE CARRYING A BOWLING BALL IN MY FUCKING STOMACH FOR 9 MONTHS, SCARED TO DEATH THAT I MIGHT FUCKING DIE IN LABOR! YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S ON MY PHONE RIGHT NOW!? THE PASSCODE IS 3295!" I yelled, standing upright now.

"I don't-"

"WELL YOU'RE NOT TAKING NO FOR AN ANSWER SO HERE, LET ME TELL YOU. THE DEATH RATE OF PREECLAMPSIA IS 6.4 OUT OF 10 THOUSAND AND IT CHANGES WHEN IT GOES UNTREATED. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT WITH MY BABY DADDY?! ME DYING. THAT'S WHAT. SO NO, I DON'T CARE WHERE THE FUCK YOU GO FOR DINNER!" I yelled, quickly walking past him towards the only bathroom I know of in this house.

I locked the door, taking a deep breath before peeing, and as embarrassing as it was, I sat a long longer on that toilet just trying to stand up, than I did to pee.

"Leigh? Can I come in?" Stas asked and I sighed, not wanting to be seeing. Not to mention the fact that the door is locked.

I took a deep breath and pushed through the pain, tears slipping out of my eyes as I pushed upwards, clutching the counter top.

"How the fuck am I supposed to pull up my pants" I grumbled, leaned forward, hearing another knock on the door.

"Leighton? Please?" She asked and I sighed.

"I can't.... I can't.. Ugh! I can't pull up my pants" I called back, extremely embarrassed.

"Leigh unlock the door. I'll help you" She called back and I sighed, yet again.

This was pathetic.

"Leigh, it's okay to need help" Stas called again and I unlocked the door.

Stas came in and I tried to hide myself the best I could, but she kept her eyes on my face, crouching down.

She slid up my underwear to where I could grab them and every moment that passed, I mentally cursed at this whole situation.

"You're pretty swollen" Stas noted and I bit my lower lip, nodding as the tears slipped down my face.

"I feel bad for yelling at him" I spoke quietly, placing my hands on my stomach, pressing down on the aching.

"He's a big boy. He'll be okay. Do you want to do something together? We can do whatever you want?" She asked and I shook my head, my feet feeling like they were standing on burning Legos.

"Stas. I need you to listen to me very closely" I deep breathed, turning to look at her.

"Okay?"

"Are you a good driver in high stress situations?" I asked and she shook her head, myself taking another deep breath.

"I need you to find someone who is" I said calmly, the pain getting worse, and my breathing becoming heavier.

"Why?" She asked and I took another deep breath, leaning forward.

"Stas. Get Colby. Now" I spoke through gritted teeth, the pain becoming worse and I watched her scurry off.

I stood in the bathroom, deep breathing as my hands and feet hurt.

My brain kept repeating it over and over again, and I almost didn't want to go to the hospital.

I knew what was happening, and I was terrified.

There was a knock on the door and I sighed, only having underwear and a tank top on right now.

"Colby?" I called out

"It's me. What's wrong?" He asked and I closed my eyes, clutching the counter top.

"Can I... have... a pair of... you're sweatpants" I breathed out, talking through the door. "Hurry. Please" I coughed, holding my chest, then touching my stomach.

"Come on baby. Be okay. Please" I whispered, closing my eyes again.

It was 2 minutes until he came back, and I noticed how puffy my hands were.

Fuck

"Leigh? I have the sweatpants. Stas and I are outside the door. Can we come in?" He asked and I opened the door.

"Help me" I begged, reaching for the sweatpants.

Colby held me steady whilst Stasia helped me put on the sweatpants.

"My phone.. is on the.. table.. by the.. couch" I breathed, my head rolling back as I breathed through the sharp pains. "Call.. Gabe. Pass...code.. is.. 3..2..9..5" I let out a deep exhale, concern written all over their faces.

"Fuck" I grumbled, pressing in on my side, and I felt my baby kick my hand.

"What's wrong? What can I do?" He asked and I stayed quiet, not knowing how he can help me other than driving, which Stas already informed him of.

Brennen called Gabe for me whilst Stas went and started the car, Colby dragging me out of the bathroom.

"Do you want me to just lift you?" He asked, tears streaming down my face.

"I don't fucking care. Please god" I groaned, my feet feeling like horses were stepping on them.

Brennen ended up going home, Stas and Colby coming with me.

"You're going to be okay Leigh" Colby reassured me, and I ignored him, closing my eyes at the pain in my lower back.

The drive was about 20 minutes, but it felt like 20 hours.

Colby got me admitted whilst a nurse went through the protocol that I've gotten extremely used to.

I ended up laying in the hospital bed with a warm heating pad on my back and a cool washcloth over my feet and hands.

I was laying so my legs were elevated higher, trying to reduce the swelling well they tested my urine.

We all knew what was happening.

We all were expecting it.

We've all been trying to prevent it, yet here we are.

"Can I ask a question?" Stas asked quietly and I just nodded, waiting for Gabe to get here.

"What does it feel like?" She asked, my eyes opening to look at her.

"What does what feel like? Be more specific" I muttered.

"The swelling. It looks painful" Stas said in a low tone, almost like she was nervous to make a sound.

"Like I'm walking on fire" I muttered, closing my eyes again.

The next time I opened my eyes, Colby, Stasia and Gabe were in the room. Gabe was talking to Dr. Hughes about something and wiggled my toes, happily accepting the relief that was the reduced swelling.

"Welcome back Ms. Fox. Feeling any better?" Dr. Hughes asked, everyone turning to look at me.

"Just racking up my hospital bill" I muttered, closing my eyes again.

God it was bright in here.

"Leighton. We need to talk" She spoke in her calm, but I mean business voice.

"I have preeclampsia, don't I?" I asked, opening my eyes again.

"I think we need to talk alone" She suggested and I shook my head.

"It's fine. They can know"

"Okay... you do indeed have preeclampsia. The proteins showed up in your urine, and your swelling is more than just typical pregnancy swelling. I'm sorry Leighton" She said sincerely and I nodded slowly, someone squeezing my hands.

"I knew" I wiped away my tears. "Fuck" I muttered, throwing my head back against the hospital bed.

"It's okay Leigh. You're going to be okay" Gabriel reassured me and I just shook my head, feeling the sting in my nose, my vision getting blurry.

"I fucking knew it!" I cried, moving my hand out from the wash cloth, wiping away at my tears.

"Leigh-"

"I measured my urine outtake, I did the diet, I did the workouts, hell I did the stretches! I.. I... I.. fuck!" I cried, now cradling my bump.

"Leighton, you need to calm-" Dr. Hughes started, but I cut her off.

"Calm down, I know!" I grumbled

"I'm going to give you tips for the swelling, but the best we can do is just keep doing what you're already doing. The only way we can really cure it... is giving birth. I want you to keep using the cup and measuring your pee, okay? We still need to watch it, and see if it gets any worse" She informed us and I clenched my fists, wanting nothing more than to punch whatever gave this to me.

I felt someone's fingers unclenching my fist, and entwining them together.

I looked over and Gabe squeezed my hand, telling me that it was going to be okay.

"I'm saying this to warn you, not to scare you, okay?" She started, causing my heart rate to spike. "You need to be ready for a baby as far along as 30 weeks. A lot of women go into labor or have an emergency birth after 30 weeks. I'm saying hospital bag, diapers, all that stuff. You need to be prepared. We are going to try and keep this baby in there for as long as we can, but a lot of women get induced at 37 weeks. A lot of women end up having a c-section around 33 weeks. Whatever your birth plan is, accept that it might not go like that. There is a lot of uncertainty when you're dealing with preeclampsia. Your swelling will get worse. You're going to probably get as big as how you feel. Your blood pressure is going to go up, you're going to get headaches, dizziness.. I need you to understand that this is serious. It isn't something you brush off when you feel a symptom. You need to stay off your feet. You need to get all your vitamins in and have a hospital bag prepared. Please emotionally prepare yourself for the possibility of a NICU stay. I'm saying this to you as a Doctor, and a friend. You need to listen to me closely when I tell you to be prepared. It's only going to get harder, and more painful from here forward." Dr. Hughes told me, fat tears rolling down my face as a nurse ran a cool washcloth down my legs.

"Will my baby be okay?" I asked, everyone staying quiet.

"I can't make promises. You know that. But a lot of baby's are okay. They are born healthy, and will grow to be big and strong. That saying is there always is that chance that something will happen. I don't want to scare you Leighton, but I need you to try and be emotionally prepared. Whether that be more tomorrow than you were yesterday, it's better than nothing. I just... I know this was your biggest fear. Having a pregnancy risk... and I want you and your baby to be happy and healthy. You did nothing wrong. This isn't anything you could have prevented. Sure there are factors that maybe didn't help, but dwelling on it won't make it go away, or make it any easier"

"What are the stats?" Gabe asked and I glanced over towards Colby and Stasia. They were sat next to each other, just watching my life fall apart.

"For what?" She asked him and I closed my eyes, afraid of whatever I was about to hear.

"Death" he said and a pit formed in my stomach.

"Preeclampsia is the cause of 500 thousand infant deaths, and over 75 thousand maternal deaths worldwide. It is 3 to 4 times higher in the US, than anywhere else" She told him and I just fell apart.

My body shook as my sobs bounced off the white walls. My brain repeating over and over again "500 thousand infant deaths"

Infant Deaths.

Death.

We both could die.

My body could kill us.

My baby. The poor innocent soul who didn't deserve any of this.. could die.

I heard people talking to me, but I couldn't focus.

I can't do this.

I can't be the person who kills my baby.

I can't be the one at fault.

"Gabriel" I whispered, turning to face him as the light blurred my version even more.

"Yes Leigh?"

"I can't do this. I don't want to... I don't want to do this. I can't.. I can't... I can't.." I stuttered, my chest aching as my brain kept repeating three things over and over again.

"You indeed have preeclampsia"

"500 thousand infant deaths"

"It's only going to get harder from here"

"Yes you can!" He spoke quickly and loudly, startling everyone. "Don't talk like that! You can do this and you will. You're strong Leigh! You're going to make it, and so is our baby" He spoke quickly, holding my face between his hands. "I love you too damn much for you to give up on me!"

"What's going on?" Dr. Hughes asked and I shook my head between his hands.

"She doesn't want to do this anymore" he told her and I just cried.

I felt helpless.

I was helpless.

There was absolutely nothing I could do to change the narrative and make sure my baby made it out okay.

"I want.. I want... narc-" I started but he put his hand over my mouth.

"Like hell you do! Absolutely not! You did not overcome your drug addiction to fall back in it! It will hurt the baby Leighton Rae!" he spoke in a stern tone and I sobbed harder, my back and side causing me immense amounts of pain.

"I can't fucking do it!" I screamed at him

500 thousand infant deaths

I started gagging, my stomach tightening.

Before I knew it, I was vomiting into a bucket, tears streaming down my bright red puffy cheeks.

"Here is some water" Dr. Hughes handed me a paper cup.

"Can everyone step out of the room please?" She asked, a nurse opening the door for the three of them.

Once everyone was out, she turned towards me.