I feel like everyone paints pregnancy to be this glamorous, joyful event... when in reality it was one of the worst things I've been through.

No one talks about how having a baby affects you. They just show how cute the baby is and how happy they are... so why was I crying in the bathroom as I tried to pee?

It is currently 8:20pm on November 25th 2020, my beautiful baby girl has been in this world for 7 hours... and when I woke up about an hour ago, I found out the harsh news that she had been transferred to the NICU.

No one prepares you for that.

I mean, how do you prepare to tell a new mom that their baby is on oxygen?

My whole labor was a blur. I don't remember too much... but I think it's because of the amount of pain I was in now.

My stomach hurt a lot after being pressed on by the nurses, and my vagina felt like it had been ripped in half. My back, shoulders and lower stomach aches and my thighs felt fatigued.

I had to have help to walk to the bathroom, and I was taught how to clean myself due to the stitches since I did in fact tear.

It was a 2nd degree tear, which meant I had some pretty fun stitches, hence me crying whilst trying to pee.

I got the catheter out about an hour ago, and I always heard that the first time peeing after giving birth was weird and terrifying, but no one warned me that it stings really bad if you have stitches.

If that doesn't make having a baby sound fun, want to know what will?

The really sexy after labor diaper I have to wear that had a pretty thick pad attached to it.

Why, you ask?

Because I'm bleeding like a mofo.

I've never bled so hard in my fucking life.

Now I know I seem to be constantly complaining.... But imagine wearing an adult diaper with a thick pad whilst you're on your heaviest period day ever in history.... And you have stitches on your vagina and you can't even snuggle your baby.

To make matters worse, when I walked, I limped. And I still looked like I was 7 months pregnant.

Sounds fun, right?

Yeah.

"Ms. Fox? Is everything okay?" An on call nurse asked and I sighed, slowly opening the door.

"When can I see my baby?" I asked, letting her help me back to my bed.

There was a new puppy pad placed on it and my water bottle had been filled.

I was waiting for Sam to bring me food since I had slept for quite a few hours after labor.

My family wasn't coming till tomorrow since I had passed out, and the baby wasn't even here.

"I don't know" she said softly and I bit my lower lip, trying not to cry as I carefully sat down.

I got moved to a recovery room, and I just stared at the empty bassinet.

All I could think about is how I wanted to give my little girl up... and how if I had done that, I would be sitting here... in this room.. doing the exact same thing as I am now.. just I wouldn't have a baby.

She'd be someone else's pride and joy.

She wouldn't have been placed on my chest, she would've been placed on her adoptive parents...

I felt weird seeing it empty.

When I woke up in the new room and saw the empty bassinet, I panicked.. but now all I could think about was the what if's or the choices I almost made..

Everything could've been so much different now.

I laid in my bed crying after the nurse had left, not hearing Sam enter my room.

"Leigh? I have your food" Sam said softly

"Thank you" I whispered, wiping my eyes.

"Do you want it now?" He asked and I nodded, not having had a proper meal in days.

Sam laid it out on the tray next to me, my eyes locked on the bassinet.

"Do you... do you guys... do you guys know how much.. how much she.. she.. she.. weighs?" I asked, struggling to breathe as my throat closed up, tears making my vision blurry.

"Um... I don't remember exactly. I think it was like 4 or 5 pounds?" Sam said and I nodded slowly.

"They won't... they won't tell me anything" I whimpered, turning to face him with tear filled eyes. "I'm.. I'm missing so much.. so..so..so..much" I expressed quietly, a tear spilling over and rolling down my face, dripping off my jaw.

"Gabe is down there with her. Have you told anyone the name?" He asked and I shook my head, my hands shaking as I reached for the french fries. "Will you tell me her name?" He asked, sounding hopeful.

"I want.. I have someone I want to be the first to know, sorry" I apologized, feeling another tear fall down my damp cheek.

Sam hung out with me as I waited for Intel on my baby. Eventually Emily came in to check on me and as she took vitals, I asked her the stats.

"She's quite small Leigh. She was 5 pounds 13 ounces, 18 inches long. Her head circumference is a little over 12 inches. She's small, but mighty Leighton. She's gorgeous. Right now they're monitoring her to make sure she's okay" Emily explained and I nodded, frowning.

"What's wrong with my baby? Emily, please" I whined, my heart aching to not have her in the room with me.

Emily sighed, side glancing at Sam. "You fell asleep birthing the placenta.. and after she cried.. she somehow got a lot of fluid in her throat... and was struggling to breathe. So now she's on monitors and oxygen as we try and make sure everything is okay. Once she's out of the NICU, she will either come back here or go to the nursery. I know it sounds scary, but she's doing really well" Emily tried to reassure as the tears fell down my face yet again.

God I was sick of crying.

"You said... you said Gabe was there?" I asked and she nodded, placing the black cuff on my bicep. "How.. how is he?"

"Better after his IV drop. He was dehydrated apparently. I'm not too sure what happened since I was focused on you and the baby. I'd have to look at his chart and medical care... but he's down there with your girl. You're one lucky girl Leighton. Not because of the shitty scenario you are in, but because you're not in this shitty scenario alone" She gave me a small smile, marking my read in her chart.

"Has she.. been fed?" I asked and Emily gave me a sympathetic nod. "How.. how did they.. how did they feed her?" I questioned, my voice cracking in emotional pain.

"They gave her donor milk off a spoon. She's struggling to suck.. so we're using an infant spoon. Someone should be in to help you with breastfeeding and pumping. If you pump they'll give her your milk" Emily said and I stayed quiet, quietly crying as I thought about all of these people who got to do my firsts.

The first feeding, the first diaper change, the first swaddle, the first cradle.... I was missing everything.

Not to mention she had donor milk. Her first milk wasn't even mine..

Emily left and I didn't touch my food, not bothering to quiet my sobs as I let my emotional turmoil pour out of me.

"Leigh she's okay" Sam reassured me, but I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut to try and reduce the brightness in the room.

"But I'm not! I'm not okay!" I cried, my hands covering my face.

I felt Sam's arms wrap around me, his head resting on top of mine.

"Talk to me Leigh" He said softly and I shook my head, rubbing my eyes. "Leigh, you just had a baby less than 12 hours ago. It's okay" He tried to reassure me but I shook my head again.

"No it's not! I'm missing everything!" I cried and I heard him sigh. "I'm not just missing everything with my baby... but.. but my life!" I blubbered, Sam rubbing my back. "I can't even see her.. I can't.. I can't.. I can't see her!" I sobbed.

"Do you want me to ask if you can go see her?" He asked and I nodded, wiping at my eyes.

I sat there, crying and bleeding, feeling my stomach turn as my mind raced, waiting for Sam to come back.

It had been about 15 minutes before a male nurse came in with Sam and a wheelchair.

"I can let you visit her for a little bit. I want you to know that she has an oxygen tube in her nose that wraps up and is attached to a little hat on her head so it doesn't fall off. I'm telling you this, so you're prepared to see your baby with some cords on her face and chest. Know that she's doing really well, and this isn't forever, it's just for now" He gave me a small smile, helping me carefully sit down on the pillow in the wheelchair.

When we got to the NICU after a semi painful wheelchair ride, I took a deep breath when I saw Gabriel standing in front of an incubator.

"How is she?" I asked, Gabe turning around.

"She's gorgeous Leigh. We have a tiny little miracle now" He smiled, looking back down at our baby.

"How bad is it? The tubes I mean"

"It's.. weird" He confessed and I nodded, letting the nurse bring me closer.

"Oh my sweet girl" I whispered, my eyes landing on her little helpless body.

"She's so small" I spoke quietly, a tear falling down my face as I scanned the cords connected to her. "My baby.. my... my.. my baby is.. she's.. she's.. oh my god" I blubbered, my throat closing as I lost the words to explain the sight of seeing things connected to her.

"She's a fighter Leigh" Gabriel reminded me and I nodded, straining my neck a little to look at her.

"Look Leighton... the first thing to ever have her name on it" Gabe said, showing me the incubator card that was on the side of the cubby for the files.

"We still need to figure out whose last name she's getting" I muttered, smiling slightly at seeing her name written out in messy handwriting.

"I thought we agreed she'd have my last name?" Gabe asked and I mentally sighed, my eyes locked on my beautiful baby girl.

"That was before you decided you were going to up and move to New York after January" I snapped, and he sighed.

"Leigh-"

"Leave me alone" I grumbled, not wanting to have this conversation right now. "How long does she have to stay like this?" I asked the NICU nurse and she gave me a small sympathetic smile.

"Until her levels even out. Normal babies her size get off of it in a few days. Some a few hours. It all depends"

"What are these for?" I asked, pointing to the little patches on her chest.

"We're monitoring her heart and breathing" She explained and I nodded.

"Can I.. Can I hold her?" I asked and she nodded.

"Just be careful of the cords" She noted, opening the side of the baby bassinet.

"Do you want a supportive pillow?" She asked and I nodded, letting her place one on my lap.

She placed my baby girl into my arms and the second the weight was against my hands, I couldn't stop the tears or the smile as I rubbed my finger against her cheek.

"Hey baby girl" I whispered, feeling kind of giddy.

"Look up Leigh" Gabe said and when I did, I saw he was taking a photo.

We took a few photos of us with her, the NICU nurse taking one of Gabe and I with her.

"She looks just like you as a baby" Gabe breathed out and I smiled, seeing the recognizable features.

"I wonder what eye color she has. I know they change as they mature" I spoke my thoughts aloud.

"I bet she'll look just like you" He kissed the top of my head, his hand reaching down and lightly rubbing her arm.

"I hope she's nothing like me" I muttered.

"Well I hope she's your carbon copy"

~

"Where's my grand baby!" My mom asked, walking in the room with a gift bag.

"She's having her tests done" I informed, giving my family a small hello.

It was the next morning and I had spent that night worrying about my baby, so I'm sure the bags under my eyes were really cute.

Something I never thought about was how I would constantly jolt awake, panicking that my baby was hungry, or needed a diaper change, or even that they had stopped breathing.

I was afraid.

To make matters worse, she spent the night in the NICU and was supposed to spend all day up in my room with me if she passed her tests, and the waiting was agony.

"What tests?" She asked, placing a piece of her pumpkin bars in front of me.

"Awe thank you! And her hearing, eye and reflex texts. I have a consultation with a lactation person soon to talk about breastfeeding and such" I informed, happily digging into the homemade dessert.

"How has recovery been? You're being treated right here, right?" She asked and I nodded.

"Did you bleed really heavily with your pregnancies?" I asked her, noticing Lexi was carrying a bag. "What's that?"

"For the baby, don't worry about it" She gave me a look, setting the bag next to the sink.

"I bled pretty bad with you kids. Why? Is it bad?" She asked and I nodded quickly.

"It's so bad! It's like the worst period in my life, and I heard that when you breastfeed, that you get the worst fucking cramps! Why did you guys allow me to have a baby" I pouted, setting down my plastic fork.

"If I had it my way, you wouldn't have ever left our house" Dad spoke up, reaching for my water bottle to fill it.

I talked to my family about my labor and delivery, my dad filling in the spots that were a little blurry, when there was a soft knock on my door.

"Come in!" I called, trying to see who it was.

"Hey momma!" A woman's voice called out, and I grinned, watching my baby get closer to me.

"She's in a normal bassinet!" I spoke loudly, and the younger nurse nodded.

"She passed all her tests, and if you notice... she's off her oxygen right now. She still has monitors. This little machine has her stats" She pointed to a tiny little device in the crib. "Please keep in mind that she might go back on soon. We are trying to see how she does on her own. Our lactation consultant will be here soon, along with our on-call pediatrician" She said and I nodded, wanting to hold my baby so bad.

"Introduce me to my first grand baby! It's a girl?!" My mom said excitedly and I nodded.

"Can someone hand me her?" I asked, not being able to move, afraid of leaking.

The nurse carefully handed me my baby girl and I saw my sister had her phone pointed at us.

"Momma... meet Gemma" I grinned, my eyes teary.

My mom gasped, her eyes lighting up in excitement and shock.

"Leighton Rae! You didn't!" She yelled, making the baby jump and then cry. "I'm sorry!" She quickly apologized and naturally I started to bounce her a little, trying to calm her down.

It took a few minutes, but she eventually lulled herself back to sleep.

I looked up at my mom, and she had tears falling down her face.

"I can't believe... Leigh" She whined and I giggled.

"I wanted her to carry your legacy.. and you're both miracles in my life. I wouldn't change her name for the world" I smiled and she walked over, whipping away her tears, hugging me.

"Does she have a middle name?" My mom asked and I nodded, my mom's hand caressing Gemma.

"Gemma Lorraine" I announced, falling more in love with my baby the longer I stared at her.

"That's a gorgeous name Leigh, is Lorraine to anything specific?" She asked and I nodded.

"Stephen gave Bridgette the middle name Lorraine after his mother. Gabe wanted his mom connected to Gemma as well, and I thought having Lorraine would be perfect, plus it's kind of a head nod to Stephen" I explained, my sister now fussing over my baby.

"So where are all the people that are normally attached at your hip?" My dad asked, making me laugh.

"Gabe, Chase and Penny went to go pick out some preemie outfits for her, Sam and Kat said they were coming later, and I don't know where Colby went"

Gemma got passed around to my family members, taking different photos with them as I waited for Aaliyah to get here with her camera, the lactation consultation came in.

"Good afternoon! I'm a Hannah Dodger and I'd like to just say a quick congratulations before we get started!" She smiled at us, walking over towards the sink to wash her hands.

I thanked her, trying to calm down my crying baby.

"Just to give a quick run down, we are going to practice breastfeeding and positions, so if you're uncomfortable having anyone in this room see your breasts and or if they are, I'd like to kindly ask you to step out of the room for a little while"

My dad stepped out which made me laugh, but I understood why.

"How do I calm her? I don't.. she won't stop crying" I asked, still bouncing her softly and trying to change positions.

"I'm thinking she's hungry, which is good for us. That being said, let's just get started and I will answer questions along the way! My first question is have you ever breastfed before?" She asked and I shook my head.

"Can you pull down the dressing gown please, let's see this little cutie. Hi baby girl, aren't you just adorable. Oh she has the sweetest face! I've had a lot of boy babies lately and they're cute and all.. but I forgot how precious little girls look!" Hannah cooed, smiling down at Gemma.

I pulled down my dressing gown and undid the nursing bra, my breast now on show for this stranger.

"Okay, do what your natural instinct is, and if I need to fix something I can" She gave me a smile and I nodded, Gemma's crying calming down as I brought her to my breast.

"She should just.. latch.. right?" I asked and Hannah was watching Gemma.

"Sometimes. Has your milk come in?" She asked and I shrugged.

"How would I know? I had sore boobs my whole pregnancy, and I thought the milk was going to come in sooner than the birth.. but I don't know"

"I'm going to place my hand on your boob and squeeze gently. I want to see if anything comes out, okay?" She asked and I nodded, still supporting Gemma's weight in my hands.

It was weird to have her squeeze my boob, but when pale yellow leaked out, I think we all let out a sigh of relief.

"This is colostrum. It's good for the baby. You're going to get colostrum before the mature white milk comes in. Don't be scared because it's yellow" She let out a breathy laugh.

I nodded, my eyes watching Gemma.

"Okay, nudge her cheek gently towards the nipple. You can lightly place your finger under the jaw to make a suggestive movement of latching. Kind of guide her towards you" Hannah explained and I nodded, removing my hand from under Gemma's butt to lightly nudge her cheek, listening to her soft whimpers.

We spent the next hour trying to get her to latch, but because of her sucking problem, Hannah had me pump whilst we gave her even more donor milk off a infant spoon.