March 7, 1998

My life is completely falling apart. Steph decided she doesn’t like me anymore, and neither does Zach. But he can’t dump me, because he promised he wouldn’t.

Jenna and Aaron are my only friends. Aaron has decided he is going to dump Jenna, so Jenna and I will just have to be miserable together.

Jenna is really good friends with Zach, so we called him on 3-way, only I was on mute so he didn’t know I was listening. She asked him if he still liked me and he said, “No! She’s a fag!”

Then Aaron called him on 3-way but with me on mute and said, “Oh, come on. You know you still like her.” And Zach said hesitantly, “Yeah… I know. But she has no friends.” Aaron said, “It’s only because of what she did with you.” [Touché, Aaron.]

Two weeks ago I had the best life! I had everything I wanted and more than I could have ever imagined getting. I guess I was living in this world where everything was perfect, inside this little bubble. All of a sudden, one event caused that bubble to pop, and everything inside spilled out, making a huge mess. [As you can see, by age eleven I had mastered the use of metaphor.]

I stared in the mirror tonight, watching myself cry hysterically. [Okay. Thatseems a bit self-indulgent.] I’ve never been in this situation before, where I have no friends.

And Steph… of all people. How could she betray me like that? She said, “It’s because you like Jenna more than you like me.” I told her that wasn’t true, but she doesn’t believe me. Can’t she see I need her? We were best friends. What happened?

I must deserve this. I must have done something so wrong – well, I’ve done lots of things wrong. So I guess I do deserve this, and God is just paying me back.

Last night, I felt as if I were living in a dream – a nightmare, I guess. I was seriously considering just killing myself, but then I was like, “Come on, Emily, stop being such a retard. Stop trying to make your life into some dramatic soap opera.” So I didn’t kill myself.

But everything is going so wrong!