March 18, 1998

Some people are saying that Zach is going out with Steph just to make me jealous, but some people are saying that he really likes her. He goes out of his way to bug me.

Lisa and Catherine told me that all of them don’t really like Jenna, and I don’t know whether or not to tell her. I don’t think I will. But it is so annoying when she stops walking down the hall with me to walk with them, and I know they don’t want her to. Oh, well. [I have a feeling the amount of bullying you encounter directly correlates with the amount of halls in your life.]

I wish I could go back in time three weeks, to February 25, the day before I went to third base with Zach. I wouldn’t go over Matt’s house and my life would stay perfect.

Jenna is sleeping over Steph’s house tomorrow night, and they are meeting Zach out somewhere. The thought of it makes me sick.

Tomorrow, I’m planning on telling Zach I’m sorry (for whatever the hell it was that I did wrong) and I’m going to confront Steph. I’m going to say, “Why are you being like this? You know me too well, you know how much you’re killing me… can you just stop it?” I’m going to see if that works. [Spoiler alert: it does not work.]

Matt called today. He said Aaron told him that he doesn’t like me. But he was being really nice, too. He listened to me whine about Zach. Matt said, “You know you still like him!” I said, “No, I don’t.” “Yes, you do.” I sighed, “Okay, I do.” He laughed, “You’re stupid.” [Like I said, he was being really nice.]

Matt told me he doesn’t even like Zach. I’m kind of hoping all Zach’s friends will ditch him and that he’ll come crawling back.

Today in gym class, Zach sat behind me on the bleachers with some of his friends. I was sitting with Maggie. I didn’t even know he was there until Maggie said, “Emily, look behind you!” I glanced behind me, saw Zach, and quickly turned back around. Zach said, “Maggie, why do you always have to say stupid things like that?” [Wasn’t there any activity involved in gym class? Why were we always sitting on the bleachers?]

Some boys were like, “Um… Emily? Would you go out with… Zach wants to know… Zach has something to ask you.” I looked at Zach. He looked away. Finally one of them said, “Zach wants to know if you’d go out with… Scott.” I glared at Zach, and he smiled. I turned back around, put on my tennis shoes, and left without saying anything. [Poor Scott.]

I heard someone say, “If you want to hook back up with her…” And then someone else said, “Yeah, he wants her back.” I pretended I hadn’t heard.

But now that I know that he’s meeting Steph somewhere tomorrow night… I’m so depressed. Zach thinks I’m going out with Aaron’s cousin who is in the eighth grade and goes to Catholic school.

Matt called again, at 9pm tonight. His brother was talking in the background, sounding drunk. I said, “Um… isn’t it a little late?” He said, “Isit a little late?” “Yeah, it’s 9pm.” I sounded really annoyed on purpose. He said, “Okay, nevermind,” and hung up.