March 22, 1999

Today is a Monday. On Saturday, Stacy, Melanie and I went to the movies with Daniel, James, Louis, and Jacob. Nothing really happened, except this:

Stacy was getting bored with the movie so she asked if anyone wanted to go to the snack bar with her. James said he would go and then we all started giving them money and telling them to buy us something while they were there. Anyway, about a half hour passed and they were still not back.

Jacob turned to face me (he was sitting in front of me) and said, "Where the hell are Stacy and James?" I contemplated the possibilities.

"Oh, my god," Daniel whispered, "I bet they're having sex!" We were getting really loud, so the other ten people in the theater were paying more attention to us than to the movie, which was Carrie 2: The Rage, and might be a pretty good movie if I ever get the chance to concentrate on watching it. [On second thought, nah.]

So James and Stacy eventually came back and these two black men who were sitting behind us jumped up and started going, "Yeah, James! Way to go, man!" James, obviously, didn't have any idea what the hell they were talking about. After we explained it to him, he caught onto the joke and yelled, "Stacy! Was it good for you?" Then a guy who worked there was like, "If you don't quiet down, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

I think there is this way, that everything's perfect, just like it should be. You know, when you are completely satisfied with everything and you can just sigh and think, "Everything is exactly as it should be." I've only experienced that feeling once. It was over a year ago, but the feeling was so strong and distinct that even now, I can remember exactly how it felt.

I was walking out of Ms. Thompson's room and I turned and there was Zach, waiting for me at my locker. He was leaning up against it, hands clasped in front of him, head down, and he didn't see me. As I approached him he looked up slowly, and when he saw me, this huge smile came over his face. And it was a genuine smile, not a "Your tits look huge in that tank top smile" but a "You are the only person I want to be with ever" smile.

I smiled back at him and he touched my arm, and I thought, "This is so right. Here is how everything should be." It was the greatest feeling in the world, of complete and genuine satisfaction; my life was at its high point and it couldn't possibly be any better. [Thank goodness that didn't turn out to be true.]

The scary thing is, I think I missed my chance with Jacob. There's been all this for nothing - we'll never go out, and I'll be left feeling empty and disappointed. I really want Jacob, I just feel as if the excitement has passed and everyone's moving on - nobody cares anymore. They think we're pathetic for not going out already. Well, if I did miss my chance with Jacob, I am going to make it a point to be more bold and to never miss anyone again. [Strange how I determined whether or not I had "missed by chance" based on the interest of others, not of Jacob himself.]