April 4, 1999

It is 10:37 at night. I was just getting ready for bed and I heard my parents talking in the kitchen. My dad just got back from my perfect cousins and aunt and uncle's house, and this is what he was telling my mom: "They said their kids want to go to mass. When it was time to go, the kids dropped everything and ran to the car. Maybe Catholic school is necessary."

My mom said, "Well, she goes to CCD..." [CCD, or "Confraternity of Christian Doctrine," is Catholic Sunday School. I went weekly until my confirmation ceremony sophomore year of high school.]

"It's not making a difference!" My dad yelled. "Look what she wanted to leave the house wearing today! And do you know what she told me last night? She told me SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE IN JESUS!" My mom gasped.

FOR GOODNESS SAKE! My parents are considering Catholic school so I will realize how wrong I am to question the Catholic religion?! Forcing Catholicism upon me is not going to make me believe in it! Honestly, sometimes my parents can be the biggest shit heads.

I believe that God is not a being, but a feeling. I think He is the idea of goodness - God is like, a metaphor. [I really loved metaphors.] I don't believe in Hell, either. If God created us as sinners, why would He punish us for just being what He made us? He wouldn't.

I believe that God understands us, and that we are stupid and shallow and that in the end he forgives us, because even if we are too stupid to be sorry for our sins, He takes pity on us and lets us be in Heaven with Him.

[I had forgotten the extent to which I was already questioning Catholicism at this point in my life. My parents, for the record, were deeply shaken by the scandal in 2002 and no longer attend mass or tithe. Also, three out of my four "perfect" cousins who went to Catholic school are now on nasty terms with their parents.]

I want to have a band. I am thinking of names:

The Ring watches!

[Remember ring watches? They were awesome in theory, but ridiculously impractical, just like my idea to have a band.]

No, no, I have an idea. Me, Gina, Stacy, and Melanie will be in it. So it will be named GESM.

G. (Gina), E. (Emily), S. (Stacy), and M. (Melanie) = GESM.

Ugh, never mind. I won't have a band.