May 25, 1999

Right now, I feel the same way about Zach as I did in 6th grade: hopelessly in love with him. There is just something about him - he has this certain effect on me. I guess I never stopped loving him for the past two years. For a while, I became infatuated with other people, but in the back of my mind I've always hoped we'd end up together. [Well, getting back together in middle school doesn't quite = ending up together, but... semantics.]

Today, Zach, Matt, and Hunter had to miss school to go to court because Matt threw a rock at some lady's windshield. [WTF.] So Zach wasn't in math class with me, and we had a test. After school, I had play practice, and the play is in about a week, and I have all my lines memorized, and I guess it is going to be good. But anyways.

I got home from play practice, and the phone rang. I answered it, and a familiar voice asked, "What is the math homework?" I knew the voice, but I decided to pretend like I couldn't quite put my finger on whom it belonged to. I politely asked who it was, and the answer was, "Zach," in a tone that said I should have known that, and also surprise and disappointment that I hadn't. "Oh, hi," I said pleasantly. "It's page 219, all questions."

"Thanks," he said. I said, "Okay?" as if to say goodbye, but he said, "Yup. So, how was the test?" We got into a conversation about that, and he told me about court. We had been talking for about fifteen minutes when the conversation landed on me and Mark.

I told him, "My relationship with Mark is awesome because it's like, I don't really like him, and I don't think he's that obsessed with me, so all we do is make out. And that's the most fun part of going out with someone, anyway, and this way if we break up, it won't be too painful. Besides, it's not like we're going to get married or anything."

Zach said, "Well, you could." "Get married? To Mark?!" "No, not necessarily to Mark. Just, if you were going out with someone in middle school that you really liked, and you stayed going out with them, then you could get married right after graduation."

I thought about that for a moment and then said, "Well, so you'd probably lose your virginity to them, right?" "Yeah, probably." "Well, then you'd get married, and that means you'd have sex with only one person in your whole life." [I'm glad that concept sounded like BS to me even as a 12-year-old.] Zach answered, "Well, you might have periods where you're broken up with them." "But what if you never got back together?"

It was at this point that I realized we were talking about ourselves. I think Zach did, too. He was silent for a moment, and then he said, "You would always end up getting back together. You'd be like, soul mates." I considered what he had said. I still can't decide what to think about him. We talked for about an hour, and then I had to go out to eat with my family.

As soon as I got home, the phone rang, and it was Scott. I guess he and Zach are sometimes friends. The first thing Scott said to me was, "Do you really like Mark?" With the question just thrown upon me like that, unsure of the circumstances, I didn't know what to say. I decided to tell the truth. "He's okay. I don't really like him, though." I could hear Scott's smile in his voice as he said, "Oh. Cause I know someone who likes you." "Who?" "Zach." "Oh, jeez." I was not disappointed, by any means. I told that to Scott.

I don't know what to do. Zach and I are soul mates, but I don't want to hurt Mark.