Mary 26, 1999

Today, I knew I was going to have to break up with Mark. I'm sorry, I know I'm pathetic, but I love Zach too much to go out with anyone else. I didn't know how to dump Mark - I really didn't want to hurt him. But everyone knew that Zach and I liked each other again, even Mark.

Right before lunch, Daniel came up to me and said, "I have to tell you something that you probably won't care about. Well, Mark doesn't want to go out with you anymore." I smiled, because really, this was good news. I wouldn't be hurting him by breaking up with him, because he had broken up with me. Of course, it was because he knew I was going to dump him so he wanted to dump me first. But whatever.

I went to lunch, and Scott came up to me and said, "Mark just called you a slut and a whore." [Not just a slut, and not just a whore. A slut and a whore.] That offended me, but not too much, because Mark was actually helping me out. He was turning around the situation by being mean to me. But I know it was because he was hurt.

Everyone was bombarding me with the question, "Are you going to go back out with Zach?" I just shrugged, not sure what to say. I knew I wanted to go out with him, but I am so paranoid - deep down inside, I was terrified that this was a joke he was playing on me. [Always a good sign.]

I was talking to Scott and I let it slip that I was going to say yes to Zach. He ran off to tell him and a few minutes later came back and said, "Okay, so you're going out with Zach." I smiled and nodded, feeling a satisfied sense of déjà vu. Had this not happened five times before?

But anyway, in math, Zach was like, "Are we going out?" and I nodded, and he was like, "Okay, then." But I was feeling really guilty about hurting Mark, so I decided to write him a note saying I was sorry. As I was writing it, I began to cry, thinking about how much Mark must be hurting. Zach leaned over as if to comfort me, but then stopped. He just looked at me, not knowing what to say.

I almost laughed. We'd been apart so long that he'd forgotten how to deal with me. I just smiled at him through my tears. I gave the note to Melanie, because she is on Mark's bus, and she could give it to him. She called me after school and told me, "I gave it to him. He read it and said, 'That dumb slut.' Then he crumpled it up in a ball." Hmm. I am not going to try to analyze Mark's behavior - I don't know him well enough.