July 12, 1999

There is a whole, long shenanigan that has taken place over the past week or so. I was online on Thursday night (today is Monday) and Tyler was on, too. The weekend before, he had been visiting Louis at Louis's family's summer house. He started talking about it and then told me he had hooked up with this girl down there - they had gone to 2nd base and now they were going out!

I was so jealous. I didn't really let on that I was that mad, just called him an asshole a few times. But I really felt sick to my stomach at the thought of him hooking up with another girl.

I was thinking about it afterward and I came to this conclusion: I am a self-centered, spoiled bitch. I would rather have Tyler worshipping me to no avail than see him happy with someone else. I lay on my bed and sobbed, partly because of my new discovery of my feelings for Tyler, but mostly because of what a horrible person I am.

Meanwhile, I was not thinking about Zach at all. It was at this point that I realized that I was beginning to fall out of love with Zach. On Friday, I got three letters from him from Boy Scout camp. I think he is a little obsessive. I don't miss him at all anymore, even though I haven't seen him for almost three weeks.

On Friday, Louis, Jacob, and James called. They told me that Tyler did not hook up with anyone else at Louis's summer house, that he had just made the entire thing up to see if I would get jealous. I wasn't sure what to believe until today.

I called Tyler to see if he wanted to go to Open Swim at the high school pool with me and Stacy. He said he had to go to a swim meet - he is on the swim team - but he would stay for Open Swim afterward. He had to get off the phone, so I called Jacob and Louis, who were at Louis's house, and invited them.

When Stacy and I got to the high school, the swim meet was still going on. In fact, it was just starting. We saw Tyler, and he told us that Open Swim had been cancelled, but we decided to stay and watch the meet. Tyler wasn't competing yet, so he and I went out into the lobby.

He said, "Do you think I'm going out with that girl from Louis's summer house?" I nodded. He looked nervous and embarrassed. "Well... I made... the whole thing up." I looked at him blankly for a moment, then turned and walked away [like a boss]. I heard him calling, "Emily! I'm sorry." When I didn't stop walking, he called, "I have to go swim now..."

I ran into Louis and Jacob, who were just arriving. I told them why I was mad, and they were sympathetic. Jacob said, "It's cause he likes you. He didn't know if you liked him back, so he told you that to see if you would be jealous." [But... that sounds like the type of manipulative thing I would do!]

At like, 8pm Tyler called and we talked for about an hour. I like him a lot, I just think he is very insecure.

Oh, yeah, and Zach called tonight long-distance from Boy Scout camp. [Oh, yeah. Zach.] I was planning on breaking up with him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. All I think about when I'm on the phone with him is how stupid and shallow he is. I can't help it - I just got bored of him. I'm not planning on going out with anyone, because what happens is that once I have someone, I get bored of them. It's because I'm such an awful person.