October 30, 1999

I just got off the phone with James. We talked for three hours! And the weird thing is, we didn't even really talk about anything, just random thoughts. It's fun. Tonight was the first time he'd called me in over a week.

Anyway, there was a dance last night and it was so fun! You got free candy if you dressed up, so Erin, Maggie, Melanie, and I wore flannel pants and white tank-tops and said we were "pajama princesses." [I'm just going to go out on a limb and say that's the worst costume idea ever.]

I didn't dance with anyone on the first slow song, but Stacy was dancing with Tyler and I wanted to rip her head off. The guys were all attempting to break dance and it was funny, because none of them can at all. Stacy and I started doing "the worm," which is when you go into a handstand and then lower your body to the ground, chest first. When your toes hit the floor, you use your arms to push your chest up again.

Well... whatever, it looks cool. Anyway, Mark came up to me when "Da Dip" by Freak Nasty came on. He stood behind me with his hands on my hips, and then pushed downward on my hips in kind of a rolling motion.

On all the fast songs, I danced really hard. Soon, I was totally wiped out and went out into the hall to get some water. There were tables set up there, where people could sit and eat. As I was walking back into the gym, someone called, "Emily." I looked, and it was Tyler. I became immediately aware that my bangs were matted to my forehead with sweat and that my eyeliner was hopelessly smudged. Now that I was out of the dark cafeteria, these things would be noticeable.

He said, "Come over and talk." "No, I'm gonna go... dance," I said, looking at him like he was the one with bangs matted to his forehead and smudged eyeliner. On the last song, Mark came up to me and I was disappointed because I didn't want to dance the last song with MARK. Plus, I saw Tyler wandering around and I'd rather dance with him. So I said to Mark, "Oh, slow dancing is no fun!" and gently pushed him away. But he rolled his eyes and held onto me.

I looked around and saw Tyler, dancing with Emma. So whatever, I stayed dancing with Mark. We were really close. I don't think I've ever danced that close with someone in my life. Our legs were between the other person's legs, and his face was buried in my neck.

At first, it felt kind of good. Then I became aware that he was slowly tracing his fingers around the top of my butt, kind of squeezing every so often. I whispered, "Hey." He didn't respond and moved his fingers farther down, around my butt so they were almost between my legs. My thigh came up between his legs and I could feel his boner. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, thinking about how to move away. But then the song ended, the lights came on, and the dance was over.

[I wonder why I felt compelled to go along with what Mark wanted to do - why was it even necessary to think about "how to move away" rather than just moving away?]