April 8, 2000

Not caring. That is definitely the way to go. If you care about anything or anyone too much, you get hurt. It's unavoidable. You can't let anything affect you too deeply, or eventually you'll get that feeling in your stomach, that sickening feeling, as if your guts are getting wrenched around.

I don't know why I'm randomly coming to this realization - nothing in my life has happened recently to help me discover it, I just thought of it. So that's the way to go: unfeeling. If ever I catch myself being extremely happy, I'll have to stop. Cause happiness can't go on forever, and as soon as it stops, you begin to plummet toward the opposite extreme. And I hate being depressed so much that I am just not going to take the risk. It's not worth it. [I think it's pretty sad that I felt so strongly about this as a 13-year-old.]

And you know what that means. Absolutely never, under any circumstances, must I allow myself to fall in love. That is absolutely out of the question, since infatuation keeps me from thinking as clearly as I normally would.

On another, raunchier note, Hunter has been telling people he wants me to jerk him off. But now he started kind of dating Emma, so thankfully he stopped saying that. Meanwhile, I hate Matt. I hate how he has such disrespect for girls, and how he is so good at pretending to be a nice kid with good intentions. I can't stand it.