May 6, 2000

It's about 8am on Saturday morning, and we're on the bus going home. Okay, so now to write about yesterday, one of the weirdest, worst days of my entire life. First off, the main point is that Steven found out about what I did with Hunter. After we toured the United Nations headquarters, we had to go on a 3-hour tour around the harbor on a big ferry.

At the beginning of the ferry ride, Laura, Shauna, Jacob, Tyler, Steven, and I were sitting on the top deck getting tans. I hadn't really been talking to Steven too much all day. I told James what happened, and he advised me to wait until after the New York trip to confess to Steven, so it wouldn't ruin the trip for him.

But Lisa came over and said, "Steven, I need to talk to you." As they walked away, she threw me a look like she thought I was just about the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen, and I knew that she knew. I also knew that she was going to tell Steven. Laura nudged me and looked worried.

After about ten minutes, Steven came back and sat down again. He didn't say anything, and for a second I had a surge of hope that maybe he didn't know. But he whispered something to Tyler, and then got up and left with his face all twisted up like he was trying not to cry. I felt tears welling up in my own eyes, and asked Laura to come to the bathroom with me.

When we got to the bathroom, Melanie was there, and she said, "Emily, everyone knows. Including Steven." All the girls who had been in the bathroom left immediately because I was there, and they obviously didn't want to be anywhere near me. I started to cry because I felt like such a horrible bitch. All I could think about was how crushed Steven must be.

Emma came down to the bathroom and said, "I was just talking to Steven. He's very upset, Emily. He hates you now, and so do we." By "we" she mean like, all the girls in the grade. I started to say, "But it wasn't my fault," or something along those lines, but she put up a hand and said, "Enough, Emily." Then she started to walk away, but I said, "Wait! Can I talk to him?" She said, "Whatever," and ran up the stairs. I put on sunglasses so nobody else could see that I was crying.

A few minutes later, Steven came down. He put his hand on my back and led me over to somewhere where we could talk in private. The first thing I said was, "I am so sorry." He shrugged. "I guess I'm just disappointed," he said. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you at all," I told him, and then continued to explain that it was the biggest mistake I've ever made and that if he hated me forever, I wouldn't blame him one bit.

He was silent for a moment and then he said, "I don't hate you, Emily. Everyone makes mistakes. I mean, I like you so much - I just can't forget about those feelings." Hearing him say that made me start crying again, and I could see that he was already crying, too. I wanted to wipe away the tears from his face, but I was afraid that he wouldn't want me to touch him.

We sat there for the rest of the ferry ride talking. Hunter came by and apologized to both of us. He said he hadn't really known what was happening in the theater, and that Matt had taken my hand without his permission. [That is surprising! I hadn't remembered this apology from Hunter.] Steven and I decided to stay going out, and have him try to regain trust in me.

I couldn't believe he was being so good about it. I felt so horrible for putting him through that. We ate dinner in the All-Star Cafe in Times Square, which is really cool inside. I sat with Melanie and Laura because none of the other girls would speak to me. But Steven came over and said, "Emily, will you sit with me at Beauty and the Beast?" I smiled and said yes.

We went to see Beauty and the Beast on Broadway, and it was the best show I've ever seem! [It really was magnificent. I still remember the spectacle of amazingness that was "Be Our Guest."] Steven and I sat next to each other. During the second act, he had his elbow on the armrest between us, and I pushed it off with my elbow. Instead of pushing it back, he put his arm around my shoulders. I snuggled against him and held his hand. When it was time to applaud, I took his hand and used it to clap with my other hand.

On the bus ride back to the hotel, I fell asleep on his shoulder. When I woke up, I was bothered by something. So I said, "Steven? Do you forgive me?" I said it softly, because it was very dark on the bus and everyone was sleeping and I felt like talking louder would ruin the calm. "Yes," he answered. "Do you promise?" I asked, even softer this time. "Yes, I promise. It was a stupid mistake, and you deserve a second chance." I loved him so much right then, and I knew that he must love me, too, otherwise he wouldn't put up with me. I will never make such a stupid mistake again, I promise myself.