It is the last day of Jade and Jed's trip to Paris. They are sitting in a café, their suitcases next to their feet, since they will be heading out to the airport afterwards. They have both ordered butter croissants, and Jade has hot chocolate with her pastry while Jed has coffee with his. She woke up in a bittersweet mood today. She is glad to go back home, but at the same time, it is incredibly painful knowing that Perrie will not be there, because she is thousands of miles away, on some distant island Jade was supposed to be on, too.

"I had so much fun on this trip," Jed says as he brings the mug to his lips and takes a sip. Then a smile spreads on his face and Jade smiles as well because she cannot stay indifferent. After spending a few full days with Jed, she has learnt that they have a genuine connection, and that there are many things about him she likes. They have their differences, but there are also many things that are very similar. She had realized that comparing him to Perrie all the time is not fair for anyone involved, because what she has with Perrie is so different than what she has with Jed. Moreover, these comparisons only make Jade feel bad about everything, since Perrie always wins and Jade feels terrible for being here with Jed.

"So did I," Jade replies with a nod and a friendly smile. She looks into Jed's bright eyes and they share an intimate moment of silence. Jed lays his hand on Jade's on the table, and Jade is surprised by the touch but enjoys it. They did kiss a couple of times over the course of the last few days, but it is not something that comes completely naturally yet. Jade is not sure if she feels attracted to Jed, or if maybe she is just overthinking this and needs to give it some time. She has always looked for a partner she has a connection with, someone who is passionate, talented, charismatic and supportive. Jed checks most of these boxes, but as much as Jade likes his personality, she finds it hard to look at his body in the way she should. Something about his haircut is not working, and again, he is simply not Perrie.

"When do you think we'll see each other again?" Jed asks Jade, and she presses her lips together as she thinks. With the tour coming up, she is going to be very busy in the next few months, while Jed is flying back to the US soon.

"Not in the next couple of months, if I'm honest," Jade replies. "I'm so busy with work, and so are you. I don't know how we can make this work."

"You're right," Jed agrees, then looks down before placing his gaze back on Jade. "It's going to be hard to make it work when we've only gone on a couple of dates and nothing is committing, you know? So I know that this is probably too early to ask, but… I wanted to know if you maybe wanted to make it official."

Jade is stunned by Jed's words. She never thought that him asking her to be his girlfriend so soon is a possibility. In fact, she assured Perrie that this will not happen, because of how unrealistic it seemed. Jade hates how easy this is. In the period of time between her break up with Sam and this summer, she felt extremely lonely and did everything in her power to find someone like Jed. Someone she truly had a connection with, and who is willing to commit. Though now, when she finally found him, she is already committed to a relationship which is currently on the rocks. As much as Jade and Perrie have tried convincing themselves - and one another - that they have a real future together, Jade sees now that this is simply not true. Because what's it worth loving someone if you are not allowed to show it, or talk about it, or tell everyone how happy you are? It is getting so hard to hide with people just finding out in their own, or figuring it out through some stupid mistakes, and Jade does not want her life to be this hard. She knows that it should not be. If she chooses Jed, that means that so many fears of hers will become irrelevant, and the weight she is carrying will be lifted off of her shoulders. No more hiding and freaking out when someone new finds out. No more limits on how she should act in public with her best friend. Jade cannot wait for all of these things to be over.

"I'm sorry if I'm putting too much pressure on you. It's just that long distance isn't easy, especially if we don't exactly know where we're standing," Jed continue. "There will be a lot of uncertainty if we both just go back to work."

Jade knows that Jed is right. If she says no, they will most likely begin talking and texting less, and slowly, will grow apart before they have the chance to meet again. A title would make everything easier, because it would be committing. She is more than ready to end all of the hiding, secrets and fears. Jade opens her mouth to reply, but then remembers what a positive answer also means. Things with Perrie will not be able to remain the same. There will not be any more sneaking in hotel rooms and nights out making out in the bathroom. There will not be any more I love yous, not in the same way, at least. No more moon emojis, and texting at three AM, and falling asleep feeling safe and loved with Perrie's smell filling the room and her arms wrapping Jade. She is giving up on nights in Japan, and in America, and on meaningful necklaces, and on adorable notes left the coffee table.

"Yeah," Jade says with a quiet voice as she looks away, since she tries to hide the fact that she is holding back tears. "I want to make it official."

×××

Perrie is sitting cross legged on the bed in the hotel room, next to Ellie and Caitlin. They are currently on a vacation in the Maldives, and Debbie and her sister are asleep in their room down the hall. The three younger women have had a long day, but do not feel tired at all. They have waited for this trip for a long time, and enjoy being with each other. They are chatting and laughing as they talk about their day when Perrie's phone rings. She sees Jade's name on the screen, and Instinctively takes a sharp breath. Every time Jade had called her ever since she left to Paris, Perrie's heart skipped a beat. Each time, she waited impatiently for Jade's updates on Jed, but never agreed to actually her them. It is bad enough knowing that Jade and Jed are in Paris, which is known to be the city of lovers, and Perrie did not need to picture in her mind whatever Jade is doing with another guy. So although Perrie did not listen to any updates, she could imagine that Jade and Jed are making out, and the thought of it disgusts her. Perrie gets nauseous thinking about Jade and Jed sleeping in the same bed, and him touching her in ways Perrie was sure were reserved only for her. She hates not knowing if these things actually happen, but does not dare to ask.

Perrie quietly apologizes before she grabs her phone and enters the bathroom. She closes the door behind her and answers the call, which, for the first time since Jade left for Paris, is a video call. Perrie sits on the floor, her back against the wall, and allows herself to look into Jade's eyes for as long as she needs to. She had missed these more than anything, and when Jade's voice breaks the silence with a shy hi, all of Perrie's worries are forgotten. Perrie can tell that Jade is sleeping well by the shade of the bags under her eyes, which has gotten brighter, and this realization makes her smile. She can also tell that Jade has been spending time outdoors, in the cold, because the skin on her cheeks seems slightly irritated and reddened. There is nothing Perrie wishes for more than for Jade to be in the Maldives with her instead.

"Hi baba," Perrie finally answers Jade. Her eyes are shining with adoration, and she speaks quietly, as if Jade is nothing but her own little secret. "How was your day?"

"It was okay," Jade replies, and breaks her eye contact as she looks down. It is the moment when Perrie notices that something is wrong, even worse than what she had gotten used to during Jade's stay in Paris.

"You don't post on social media anymore," Perrie points out. She would rather go around the topic, and not ask anything directly, for as long as she can, because she is afraid of the answer she will get.

"Yeah, I… I don't really want to do that. It feels too weird," Jade honestly answers. "No matter what I do, I'm always deceiving everyone. I twist reality so much I feel terrible at this point, especially for the fans. They have no idea what's actually going on with me, and now I have to make it look like I'm having the time of my life on this trip. It's not fair for anyone."

"I know how you feel," Perrie says with a sad smile. She herself is currently posting daily updates on her vacation via Instagram and Snapchat, and makes it look like it is absolutely perfect. There is some truth to this - Perrie loves spending time with her family, and definitely enjoys being in a place that feels like heaven on earth, but there are things she keeps out of the public eye. How horrible and afraid she is from everything that is going with Jade, and how truly terrified she is for her future, for example. She knows that another bad break up is going to completely break her, and is scared of the possibility of this happening.

"Yeah," Jade replies, then takes a deep breath and presses her lips together. "Pez, Jed and I went to a café today, before we got to the airport," Jade begins.

"That's nice," Perrie says, because she cannot think of any other response. Her heart is racing and she finds herself getting more and more nervous with each second that passes.

"He asked me to be his girlfriend," Jade quietly tells Perrie. Perrie's eyes immediately fill with tears. She cannot believe that this is her reality, that her relationship with Jade truly is about to end. Perrie cannot shake off Jade's promises from the day she left for Paris, one of them being that Jed will not ask her to make things between them official. There is silence on both sides of the phone before Perrie starts sobbing and finds herself completely lost and be incredibly hurt. She never thought that Jade would be making her feel so much pain.

"What did you say?" Perrie chokes out the words with a broken voice. She has never wished more to hear a negative answer, and her nails are digging into the skin of her palms.

"I'm so sorry," Jade weakly says, and tears appear in her eyes as well. There is a moment of silence; a second to grieve and to allow the pain to be felt in its full force. Perrie's mind flashes with flashbacks from July, while Jade is consumed by the feeling of guilt she is experiencing. "That's not the end for us. Not like that. When you get back, we'll meet up like we said, and we're going to talk about everything. I'm doing not this over the phone. I wouldn't do this to you," Jade assures Perrie. Her words only make Perrie dive deeper into the already overwhelming, horrible feeling she has.

There are knocks on the bathroom door, and Ellie's soft voice is heard through it.

"Perrie? Are you okay?" Ellie asks, and Perrie is brought back to the moment. She remembers that she is sitting on the floor in the bathroom, and understands that her sobs were probably clearly heard through the door. Ellie and Caitlin do not know anything about Jade and her, so Perrie cannot even think of a way to begin to explain what is going on. "Can I come in?"

Perrie feels like she could use some company right now, someone who is not Jade, because as much as she loves her, they both need some time apart to figure things out.

"Just a moment," Perrie says in a hoarse voice. "So we'll talk when I get back home?" She tells Jade. She wants to avoid her gaze, but is unable to do so. After all of the memories they have shared together, it feels impossible to talk to her without looking into her eyes, which currently shine of heartbreaking emotion.

"That's four days from now," Jade replies. She tries to hide the disappointment in her voice, because she truly feels like she has no right to be disappointed, but fails.

"I know," Perrie says.

"Okay," Jade tells her, and creates another moment of silence. Ellie's voice sounds again, and Perrie knows that she should hang up the call now.

"I got to go," Perrie says and wipes the tears from her eyes using a piece of toilet paper. "Love-" Perrie begins with a sad smile, but stops herself before it is too late. She does not know where Jade and her are standing right now, but one thing she is sure of, is that things have changed. She cannot remind Jade that she loves her just like that anymore, at least not anytime soon. Perrie hangs up the phone, then stands up and checks herself in the mirror. She sighs as she realizes how bad her hair looks after leaning against the wall, and how much of a mess she is feeling. She walks over to the door and opens it to find two worried faces on the other side.

"What happened?" Ellie is the first one to break the silence.

"You scared us," Caitlin says after Perrie does not reply.

"I just want to go to sleep," Perrie replies and walks past the two girls. There are snacks on Perrie's bed, which have been left there since Perrie got the call from Jade. Perrie takes all of them and places them on the dresser in the room. She lays on the bed and covers herself with the blanket. Caitlin turns off the light, and Ellie and her each go to their beds as they exchange concerned looks. Perrie is not sure how much time passes as she allow the tears to steam freely down her face, but at some point, Caitlin speaks.

"Are you awake?" She asks, and her question does not seem to be specifically directed towards any of the girls.

"Yeah," Ellie replies. Even though Perrie is completely overwhelmed at the moment and would unleash everything onto anyone who is willing to hear just to relieve some stress, she does not feel like talking, so she stays silent.

"Do you think she's okay?" Caitlin asks Ellie, and her words refer to Perrie.

"I don't know," Ellie replies. It is silent for a few minutes, before Perrie finally has the courage to speak.

"It's about Jade," she begins, and only saying Jade's name I enough to awake everything that has calmed down inside her ever since she ended the call. "She's my girlfriend. Was, I guess. Wait, no. She is my girlfriend," Perrie corrects herself, since no definition feels right.

"Oh," is Caitlin's only response. Perrie is too exhausted to tell the whole story now, she she decides against doing so. She knows that Ellie and Caitlin will probably ask for more details on the future, but she will not be giving any right now.

"I'm pretty sure we're going to break up when I come back. And I just feel terrible," Perrie shares.

"I'm sorry," Ellie tries comforting her. They lay in silence in the dark for a few minutes before Perrie's voice is heard again.

"I didn't mean to ruin our vacation like that with my issues," she apologetically says.

"Oh, shut up. You're not ruining anything. We just want you to be happy," Caitlin replies, and Perrie manages to crack a smile.

"I don't know if I want to do anything tomorrow," Perrie states. "All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep and cry and eat all day. I don't feel like going anywhere. All I'm going to be able to think about is Jade."

"Pretend that you don't think of her, and eventually you won't. That's how it works. You got to make yourself believe that you're over this drama," Ellie advises. "Make it look like you're having the time of your life, and you're going to have fun."

"Okay," Perrie finally answers before she fades into sleep. She dreams of Jade and wakes up expecting it all to be nothing but a nightmare. In the morning, Ellie and Caitlin convince her to come to the beach with them, but Jade is constantly on her mind. Perrie makes sure to make herself believe that she is having fun, or at least make Jade believe so, so she posts all about her trip via Instagram.

Perrie feels great relief when she finally returns to her room in the afternoon with the excuse of feeling ill. She cries herself to sleep after checking her phone every ten minutes for any texts from Jade.

×××

It is the second time ever Perrie feels nervous before knocking on the door of Jade's flat. The first one was back in twenty eleven, when they have only known each other for a few weeks and Perrie came to Jade's house to talk about the flat they may be renting together. It was the first day they felt how much they genuinely enjoy each other's company. From that day, nothing between them was awkward or stressful anymore. Well, that was the situation until July of last year. Perrie is grateful for her relationship with Jade, but cannot deny that alongside all of the love it brought into her life, it has caused a lot of damage too.

Jade and her used to be the closest friends. Jade would listen to hours and hours of Perrie talking about Zayn until she was sobbing so hard she could not keep talking. Perrie did not enjoy talking to Jade about Zayn, because she noticed the way Jade's eyes were filled with unconditional empathy every time, and the pain in them was obvious. Jade would always feel Perrie's heartache deeply, almost in the same force as Perrie did. Perrie never understood why; after all, all she had told Jade were stories. Jade was not living this reality.