It is the middle of the night, and Jade is still awake for no reason. She spent a lovely Valentine’s with Jed, making breakfast together, watching a couple of movies and going out for dinner in the evening. She did not forget about Perrie, either, and promised that they would spend another day together, it's just that Jed is flying out to America soon, and she had to spend today with him.

There is no reason for Jade to feel bad like she does right now. Perrie understands her situation, and is not angry at all. Jed still has no idea just how close Jade and Perrie are, and he seemed satisfied with today.

Jade turns so that she is facing Jed as they are both lying in bed. In the nights they have spent together, they have always fallen asleep with his arms around her, but woke up on opposite sides of the bed. This physical distance is not something that is created consciously, as they are both usually asleep, but just like anything else, Jade has one other person she compares it to; Perrie.

All she knows is that when she sleeps in the same bed as Perrie, they spend the whole night cuddling more into each other, enjoying every point of contact that connects their bodies. Jade would never willingly let go of Perrie, because she always wants more of her. That is a silly thought, of course, because they work together, and see each other everyday, and text all the time, and have made countless promises over the years to never leave. Jade misses Perrie the moment she steps out of her sight, and gets worried during those ten minutes when Perrie stops replying to her texts when they're in the midst of a conversation, even though her phone simply lost connection. Jade could spend all day staring at Perrie during even the simplest actions - cooking, singing, eating, watching TV and sleeping. She finds everything about her mesmerizing, and could listen to her talk forever.

Then there is Jed, who is about to leave for a year abroad, maybe with a couple of short vacations every now and then. Jade is not happy that he is leaving, she will miss him as a friend, but she is not sad either. She can see the advantages of it. Perrie and her will get to be with each other as much as they want, and what's out of sight is out of mind. She will not feel as guilty as she does now about being with Perrie, too.

Just like that, it hits Jade. This is not the life she wants to live. She doesn't want to spend her nights with the woman she loves, and her days dreading the time when her man will come home. She doesn't want to be so worried all the time, so scared, and always feel as though she is giving up on the best thing that's ever been hers. None of these issues will be truly resolved if things stayed as they are right now, neither if she breaks up with Perrie and stays loyal to Jed.

Jade asks herself whether she will ever be happy with Jed. She tries to imagine her life ten years from now, supposedly married to him and seriously planning their life together, as a couple and as a future family. Jade really does try her best, but she cannot bring herself to picture anything like that. Up until last year, she knew exactly what she wanted her future to be like. She always pictured a man that she loves despite his struggles, and a couple of cheerful kids that she probably will always feel bad for spending less time with them than she would have liked. This fantasy subconsciously changed when her friendship with Perrie turned into something more.

Now, it's Perrie that she sees in her head. It's like there is not even an element of choice here; being with Perrie makes no sense, but one thing Jade understands now, is that no one asked her who she would rather fall for. She would have chosen an easy life with Jed over anything else, but she was never given a choice in the first place. Every effort she is making to avoid her feelings for Perrie, and will make in the future, is useless. The only opportunity she was ever given to choose is whether she wants to live her life feeling like she is wasting every day, or like she is living every moment to its fullest. When she puts it down like that, it's the easiest choice she has ever had to make.

She wants to be happy, and will do anything to make that happen. She wants Perrie, and no one else.

Jade finally drifts off to sleep, knowing that these are the last few hours she has before everything changes. She is terrified more than ever, but also way more excited than she could put in words.

×××

"It's going to be hard, not seeing you for so long," Jed tells Jade as they are watching TV together the next day. He should have gone home a long time ago to finish packing, but he chooses to stay. He wants to spend as much time as he can with Jade before they have to say goodbye for so long. Jade does not say anything about it, either, because she needs Jed to stay. She hasn't found the right words yet to tell him that this goodbye will not only be temporary. "But I'll make sure we talk every day, and you'll be busy with work, and I'll come home for a visit before you know it." He tries to comfort Jade, not knowing these words are the last thing she needs to hear right now. They are only making Jade feel more guilty, and she feels bad for being selfish enough to break up with a person who has been nothing but good to her.

"About that," Jade quietly says and mutes the TV. Jed looks at her, and she tries her best to look back into his eyes. "I don't know how this is going to work. I'll be on tour, and you'll be in America, and… it's a lot. I don't even know when you'll be coming to visit. And about the phone calls there's a crazy time difference. I just… I don't know. I've never been in a long distance relationship, and I'm not sure if that's for me," she continues. None of these things that she has just said are lies, these really are doubts that she has. They are not the main reason why Jade wants to end this relationship, but she is not about to say that.

"We don't have to make any decisions right now," Jed tries to calm Jade down with a smile Jade knows is not a genuine one. "I know this is going to be new for the both of us, but we're just going to need some time to adjust. There's always time for things that matter, you shouldn't be worried about the phone calls and stuff like that. And I'll tell you as soon as I know myself when I'll be coming home."

"It's not about you, I know you'll do anything you can to make it work. But you're signed in America, and seeing each other every six months isn't the relationship I want. It's not what I need," Jade insists. She notices the way Jed's mood changes. His body becomes slightly tense, and he is questioning whether she actually means her words. He is wondering for how long has this been going on, for long Jade had had these fears about their relationship. Why didn't she tell him sooner? Maybe she only started thinking about this now? Or was she too scared to bring it up until today?

There are a million possible reasons, and Jed has no idea which ones are true, so he decides to talk about the facts for now.

"Jade, I'm leaving tomorrow," he reminds her.

"I know, I'm so sorry, I should've talked to you about this sooner. I thought I wouldn't be worried about this stuff by now, but I still am. I'm sorry," she replies. She fights the tears as hard as she can, because she is not the one who deserves to cry and be comforted now.

"So I'm just going to leave now and not come back?" Jed asks, and Jade can tell he is becoming increasingly nervous. "Jade, you haven't gave us a chance yet. Every time I'm with you, it's almost like you're not there, I can't explain it. I thought that once I get to know you better it will change, but I guess that's not going to happen," he says and stands up. He grabs his phone and keys from the coffee table, and walks towards the door of Jade's flat. She follows him, and for a moment they silently stare at each other. He is waiting for her to regret, to say that she is upset about something else, that she did not actually mean what she had just said; while she is asking him for forgiveness using her gaze.

Jed unlocks the door and walks out before Jade realizes that this might be the last time she ever sees him.

She spends the next few hours doing nothing at all. She watches TV, reads, and even bakes to get her mind off of everything. It is the first time in a long time that she is thinking about Jed more than she does about Perrie. She needs some time to digest how quickly things have changed with Jed, and how badly she must have hurt him.

It is only during the night, when she is in bed again, when she cannot wait anymore. Everything in her is telling her to go see Perrie, since she can finally do so. Freely.

She texts Perrie saying she is on her way, and that she knows it's late, and that it's a short notice, but it's urgent. She calls a cab, changes out of her pajamas and brushes her hair, then leaves the house and tells the driver Perrie's address. When she finally gets there, she takes a deep breath before knocking on the door. When there is no response, she rings the bell, and a few moments later, the door is unlocked.

Perrie looks the same kind of beautiful she was when Jade started falling for her. Her pajamas, her messy blonde hair, the bad lightning and the dark circles under her eyes. Jade remembers thinking that anyone would be lucky to have her. And maybe Jade still deserves her. She is ready to begin talking and explaining everything right now, but before she can say anything, Perrie puts a finger on her lips, telling Jade to stay silent.

"Ellie's sleeping," she whispers and turns around, then walks into the house. Jade follows her, careful not to trip on any of the many boxes inside. Perrie leads them to the second floor, where her bedroom is. She closes the door behind them, and sits on the bed, next to Jade. "What happened? Is everything okay?" She asks in a concerned voice. She expects Jade to burst into tears, or for her voice to start shaking, because she never does this type of things, showing up so late like that, which means whatever it is, it must be bad. Instead, Jade smiles. It is a genuine grin of joy, and Perrie is left rather confused.

"I broke up with Jed," she says, and it takes Perrie a few moments before she understands what Jade is telling her. "Because I want to be with you, Perrie. I don't want anyone else. And I don't want to waste my time trying to convince myself that I'm better without you, because I just can't do that. I know I've mistreated you, and I wanted you to go on dates with guys, and you wanted me to go on dates with guys, but we were both just so, so terrified. I can't live my life being so scared all the time. I want to be with you, and I'll fight for it. I'll make it clear to everyone that is being apart is not a possibility, I will, I promise. I'm done hiding, I'm done pretending-"

Perrie's lips are on Jade's without a warning, and it is the perfect reminder for Jade to stop worrying so much. As long as she has Perrie by her side, everything will be okay. They have been through so much in order to get to where they are now, but neither of them regrets a thing. They share a sweet kiss before pulling back and smiling at each other. It's only the beginning for them.

×××

Jed is the one to tell the press about his breakup with Jade, and she is thankful that some of the hard work has already been done for her. Jade and Perrie spend a lot of time with Jesy, Leigh-Anne, management and the label at meetings and conference calls, trying to figure out how to tell the fans that they were right all along, that they really are more than friends. When they finally do, it's like the perfect storm. Almost anything Jade had predicted that would happen, and feared of, happens. They use this wave of public attention given to them to release new music, what helps it do better than ever before. It's mad, but it's reality, and Little Mix enter a new period in their career. Nothing is the same, and some days it feels like making their relationship public was the best decision they have ever made, while on others, it's the worst one.

The only thing Jade was worried about and did not happen is their friendship with Jesy and Leigh-Anne changing for worse. It feels like this dynamic even works better, in some way. Nothing is awkward, and despite the new struggles they have to face, they still hold onto one another for dear life, just like they did before.

The best part is, no matter what, Jade and Perrie have each other to come home to.

×××

Don't Forget You're Mine

June 13, 2019 - April 8, 2020

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