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that following night, felix sat in his bed while he felt the stinging of his legs numb his mind.

it had almost become a nightly routine now for felix to reopen those less than healed wounds.

he regretted it after he did it each time, but the guilt from the night before was enough to make him want to do it again...

the pain was a burden

he tried to ignore his thighs for a moment and instead held his arms in the air, turning them slowly to stare at the healing scars.

he thought back to the first time changbin found out he had been hurting himself.

changbin took care of him... he protected him... felix would do anything to get that back.

the bathroom floor felt cool as i laid on top of it, allowing the blood from my wrists to form tiny puddles around my arms.

i couldn't stop crying that day.

my depression had gotten so bad and part of me didn't even want to be alive anymore.

i knew changbin and i were meant to hangout that afternoon, but i couldn't find the strength to leave my house.

instead, i ignored his calls and texts and did the one thing he always begged me not to... i hurt myself.

i remember hearing my front door open and then heavy footsteps running up my stairs.

changbin busted open the bathroom door and picked me up in his arms as the tears formed in his eyes.

"felix, why would you do this to yourself?" he asked me, his voice shaking terribly.

i didn't answer him. i continued to lie in his arms lifeless, and silently wanting him to leave.

"bokkie," his voice sounded sad... the nickname got to me.

he was the only one who ever called me that. my eyes finally stopped staring off into space and they met with his.

i saw the hurt in his eyes and instantly i began sobbing.

he brought me close to his chest, and began rubbing my back to calm me down.

"bokkie, i love you... please never ever hurt yourself again." changbin begged of me, but i couldn't make that promise.

"i deserve it." i mumbled against his chest.

immediately he pulled away and gave me a confused expression.

he held onto my shoulders and stared at me intently, "felix, get it through your head... you deserve nothing but happiness and love. i love you, please fight this for me."

"binnie..." i began to cry, my voice breaking in the process of calling out his name.

"i know it's selfish and you can yell at me all you want, but i don't want to lose you!" he was now crying worse than before, and it ate away at me. the guilt was all too consuming.

i didn't respond, i just stayed there in his arms, not wanting to move... or even breathe for that matter.

"let's get you fixed up bokkie." changbin said more to himself than to me.

he put the toilet seat top down before lifting me up and sitting me on top of it.

i felt completely numb. i wanted to feel something. i wanted him to make me feel something.

i looked over at him as i watched him scramble to find the first aid supplies, he stopped searching for a moment and looked back at me.

"yes bokkie?" he asked me with a sickly sweet voice that constantly made my heart melt.

"can you kiss me?" i asked him with tear stained cheeks and a quivering bottom lip.

changbin smiled to himself as he knelt down in front of me, holding my wrists gently in his arms.

"i will always kiss you." changbin said softly as he kissed gently around my wounds, but not actually on them to avoid causing any pain.

then he looked up at me and slowly leaned in to leave a quick peck to my lips.

"now let's actually get you fixed up, okay?" he said and i just nodded in agreement.

he took out some alcohol and gauze and stared at me with a frown on his face.

"this is going to sting... a lot."

"i know." i sighed as i held out my arms, turning away from him so he could take care of my wounds.

he quickly placed the gauze on my arms and before i could wince, he placed his lips on mine, distracting me completely.

i wish i still had that distraction...

i wish i still had changbin.

a.n.

call y'all start to love changbin please🥺

also this was the favoirte chapter i was taking about HSJSHDJ