"felix, i want to tell you why i broke up with you all those months ago," changbin began speaking with a shaky voice, "i promise it wasn't anything you did. although, im sure you'd never believe that.

the truth is, you remind me a lot of someone i lost, someone i loved dearly.

it wasn't the same type of love i feel towards you, but it was just as strong.

the person i lost was my sister. if you can hear me, i know you're really shocked right now. you have no idea i even had a sister, but yeah... i did." changbin stifled a small laugh as he spoke.

"i guess it's kind of weird to say the boy im in love with reminds me of my sister, but you both inspired me in unexplainable ways.

ryujin, that was my sisters name, she supported me almost as much as you always did... almost.

you definitely win as my best supporter though." changbjn said the last part with a smile plastered on his face.

"ryujin was the one who got me into music at first. she's the reason i started playing piano, the reason i started writing songs and singing.

she was the reason i started... but you became my reason to continue.

i hadn't been inspired after ryujin died, but then i met you and it was like i could see colors for the first time.

my world was no longer black and white, i was seeing everything vividly because you gave me life again."

what changbin didn't know was that as he was speaking, another person had entered the room.

it was felixs grandmother, she listened to every word the boy said, and let go of any resentment she still felt towards changbin.

"i know i sound cringey, but it's true. now what i'm about to tell you though... it's the reason i really ended things. the reason i refused to tell anyone, or admit to myself.

felix, you... you are the only person who brought back my happiness after ryujin died, and for that exact reason, i had to leave you.

i had to break up with you because i was happy. i didn't feel as though i deserved to feel that happiness, especially when i knew you weren't happy, and when i let ryujin die alone and sad...

i made a promise to ryujin to save her. i couldn't save her, which means i broke my promise to her.

then i promised myself i would save you once i found out how badly your mental health affected you.

i broke that promise too...

i left you, and for that im sorry felix. i couldn't save you and i still don't think i can.

there isn't a day that goes by that you aren't on my mind, and i wish i could make you happy the same way you make me happy.

a few months back... i saw your real smile for the first time in awhile and... i didn't cause it. chan did.

i wanted you happy, so i let you go. it may not seem like it makes a lot of sense, but to me it does." changbin let out a heavy sigh.

"i'll go through the reasons one last time so hopefully you can understand... i broke up with you because i couldn't save you, i couldn't make you happy.

chan could make you happy, so i figured i should push you two closer together and push you farther away from me.

then, another part of me refused to accept any amount of happiness in my life, and that became the reason i went through with the breakup and why i would never take you back... even if i really wanted to be with you.

i'm sorry i hurt you, it kills me everyday that i keep tormenting you, but i was always just trying to do what was best for you.

although, no one else sees that so maybe i am doing it all wrong. i just don't know what the right choice would be.

i cant be with you felix. i cant let myself be happy, i destroy every small bit of happiness i manage to get.

i don't want to destroy you more than i already have. i'm sorry felix.

i'm sorry i can't save you, and i'm sorry that i don't know how to save myself either..." changbin felt the tears roll down his cheeks as he spoke.

it was the first time he ever admitted he needed saving. changbin was depressed, maybe just as depressed as felix.

"felix... if im being honest... i would end it... i would end it all just like you tried to do, but... because my parents already lost one child, i won't let them lose me too." changbin admitted, soft sobs escaping him as he did so.

"changbin," felixs grandmother finally spoke with tears in her eyes.

changbin jumped, now terrified of what felixs grandmother could've possibly heard.

"he loves you," she said as her bottom lip quivered, "i know he does, and i can tell you love him too. you won't destroy him because he makes you happy.

you will destroy him by pushing him away. let him in, let him save you when he's awake and not in a coma. you can save eachother. you just need to let him in."

she wrapped changbin up in a hug before she said her next piece of advice, "thank you for staying strong for you parents. as a mother who lost her own son to suicide, it is the most crushing moment of your life to find out your child is dead because they were unhappy with the life you brought them into.

i'm sorry you're suffering, but let felix help you. let him see all of you, and then i promise you, he will heal your wounds.

felix is so special, i just wish he saw that in himself." she now pulled out of the hug and saw changbins stream of tears.

"he is special, and you're right, i do love him." changbin admitted.

"i know," she nodded, "changbin, im dying... i don't have much longer, and i'm all felix has left. please don't leave him, i need you to promise me you will stay by his side when i'm gone. i don't think he will survive without you."

"i don't think i could survive without him either..." changbin spoke truthfully.

"then take my advice, you can save each other." she assured changbin with a warm smile.

"thank you." changbin said with a shaky voice.

"don't thank me, just take care of my grandson." she cupped changbins cheek in her hands and wiped away the tears.

"i promise, and this time i won't break it."

a.n.

i hope this chapter wasnt all over the place i just needed to get out some feelings so yay projection

alsooo

no need to apologize for what i said on the last a.n. just please don't do it again, i love you guys❤️