"do you love me?" felix asked, making chan's eyes widen in shock, "well... do you?"

"felix i-- i do-- well i did love you." chan explained to the latter with a sullen expression.

"then why'd you do it?" felix asked as he tried to hold back the tears that were dying to escape his eyes.

"do what?" chan asked shyly.

"don't act all innocent, own it! tell me why you said those things." felix demanded.

"i was hurt felix, but i know that isn't an excuse. it just sucked, okay? i know i don't have an excuse, there would never be an excuse to say the things i did." chan explained to the latter.

"why were you hurt? i need to hear it, all of it." felix said, his voice was soft and a bit shaky.

"i was hurt because you still loved changbin and never even thought about loving me. i was hurt that i had to hear the boy i was so in love with pine for another guy.

you were only ever going to have eyes for changbin, and i never wanted to accept that. in my head, he hurt you and he didn't deserve you. i couldn't fathom why you'd want to be with him when i could offer you everything he didn't.

no i realize though, it was he who offered you everything i didn't. everything i couldn't actually... i couldn't offer you the smile you get from seeing him or the butterflies in your stomach from his compliments. i couldn't make you feel the way he does, that sense of safety and comfort. i couldn't do any of it.

i just wasn't him, and i never will be. i understand that now and i realize how terribly i fucked up. it kills me to think i may not have the chance to be speaking to you right now.

those could've been the final words i ever said to you, and i would never forgive myself for that. i will still never forgive myself for saying those things. had i not said them, maybe you wouldn't be here right now..."

"do you want to know the truth chan?" felix asked, not responding to what the boy said.

"yes..." he responded hesitantly.

"i'm not here because of what you said. i'm here because of everything in my mind. every last intrusive thought got to me that day. sure, your words were my last straw, but i was bound to find a final reason eventually.

i think i would've done it even if you didn't come to me that day. i think i may have even done it sooner, and then maybe my grandma's nurse wouldn't have saved me.

i never blamed you chan. i never will blame you, and i definitely don't want you blaming yourself.

as for me hurting you, it was never my intention to do so. i do love you chan, i just could never love you the way you wanted me to. my heart belongs to changbin, even if him and i never get back together, a piece of my heart will always ache for him.

i would never want to date you knowing i can't give you all of me. you deserve someone who will give you their all, not only a small fraction of their heart."

"it doesn't matter what you say felix, i will always blame myself for this... and i know you couldn't love me, i knew it then too. yet i still took out my anger and frustration on you, for that i will always be sorry." chan said apologetically.

"it's okay chan." felix said as he reached out his hand for the latter.

"i think i still love you felix," chan paused as he let out a heavy sigh, "i need you to know that."

"why are you telling me this chan?" felix asked, feeling his heart break over the fact he couldn't return the feelings.

"can i kiss you?" chan asked, making felix sit there with a shocked expression.

"w-what?"

"i- i have no idea why i asked that," chan rambled, "i guess i just figured if i kiss you i could move on. it's stupid really. i don't know... oh my god i'm such an id--"

"you can kiss me." felix stated, hoping chan would just stop his rambling.

"what? i can?"

"i want you to move on from me chan. i can't love you. if this will help, then i am willing to do it." felix explained to the latter, "a kiss is a greeting in some places anyway."

"you're cute felix," chan smiled as he slowly leaned in towards felix's face.

his eyes glanced down at felix's lips as he cupped the boy's face in his hands. he looked into felix's eyes before shutting his own and closing the small gap between them.

the kiss was soft, and felt like the tickle of a feather under your nose. it had a slight tingle that danced on chan's lip and coursed through his body like electricity. as for felix, it felt like kissing a stone wall. it was meaningless, but he knew chan felt something.

foot steps were heard by the door, making chan instantly pull away from felix. the two boys glanced at the figure standing and staring at them.

"changbin..."

a.n.

my heart freaking hurts and i'm really sad :)

i don't know what to do shjkfjhsgll