felix ran out of changbin's house, having no destination in mind since his home was only a reminder of what he lost, and he really had no other place of safety.

changbin followed quickly behind felix, trying his best to catch up with the latter. once felix realized he had no where to run to, he slowed down his pace, allowing changbin to finally reach him.

"bokkie," changbin called out as he grabbed onto the boys wrist to stop him from running off.

felix looked at changbin with tears streaming out of his swollen and red eyes. his bottom lip quivered as he tried to speak, but the words were locked in his voice box, unable to escape.

"you know seungmin didn't mean any of that right? he's just hurting and taking it out on you, you did nothing wrong!" changbin tried to reassure the boy, but felix was very adamantly shaking his head, disagreeing with changbin completely.

"s-s-stop." felix said, shaking changbin off of him.

"felix..." changbin said with a disheartened expression.

"i don't want you chasing after me." felix stated through his tears, "seungmin is right. you guys all take care of me at your own expense, don't you ever think things would be better off without me in the picture?"

"felix, don't say that." changbin tried his best to stay calm, but when felix said things like that, he felt the anger rise within him.

"i'm literally proving seungmin's point and you can't even admit that." felix scoffed before letting out a painful laugh, "there's no saving me changbin. you all are killing yourselves trying to keep me happy, but don't you see what a lost cause that is?

don't you see i will never be happy enough to want to live? you are putting all your energy into helping me when you should be focusing on helping yourself."

"helping myself?" changbin questioned.

"don't act like you have nothing wrong with you... i know you are depressed changbin. it's so obvious yet i never ask about it because i know you'll lie to me." felix let out a heavy sigh before continuing, "you want me to be honest to you about how i'm feeling... why aren't you honest with me?"

"i-"

"i'm not just a fragile soul, changbin. i'm in love with you, i want to be with you... i want there to be a day that i wake up and i am no longer sad and all i feel is the love you give me... but we can't get there without honesty." felix expressed his honest thoughts to changbin leaving the boy speechless.

"felix," another voice called out, "FELIX!"

"seungmin?" changbin questioned.

"felix can we talk?" seungmin asked, looking at how broken felix looked in that moment, and instantly felt all remorse flow through him.

"seungmin, maybe you-" changbin started to say, but felix cut him off.

"i think we should, come on." felix grabbed onto seungmin's hand and pulled him towards a park bench that was a little ways down the road, "we will finish speaking later, binnie." felix called out and changbin nodded as he walked back towards his house.

felix sat down on the bench, lightly forcing seungmin to join him. seungmin sat there, picking at his cuticles until they bled. felix noticed how nervous the latter was acting and place his hands over seungmin's.

"don't hurt yourself, okay?" felix's eyes had a warmth to them that was unique to anyone else seungmin had ever met. he knew felix was pure at heart, he didn't know why he felt the need to tear him down earlier.

"then why do you do it?" seungmin asked as he grabbed a hold of felix's hand and turned it over to see the healing scars on his wrist.

felix fell silent, unsure of how to answer seungmin. no matter what he said, seungmin could use it against him. instead of using words, felix just shrugged and avoided looking at the latter.

"because you think you deserve it?" seungmin questioned, "because that's how i think..."

"you think you deserve it?" felix's gaze snapped upwards, and the concerned look he gave was something seungmin had never experienced before.

"i do today," seungmin nodded, "i hurt you."

"i hurt me, not you." felix shook his head.

"oh come on felix, that's complete bullshit. when will you stop blaming yourself for everything that happens in your life?" seungmin asked, genuinely angry with the blonde boy beside him.

"when it's no longer my fault." felix stated, "today happened because i was being inconsiderate of everyone else. i cared only about distracting myself with the movie and i ran over to chan... noticing the look you gave me made me realize you probably had feelings for him. i noticed it before, but was never really sure.

"i hurt you by being close to him and i hurt changbin too. i hurt jeongin by harming myself. i hurt jisung by distancing myself from him. i hurt minho by never being there for him anymore. i hurt hyunjin by resenting him... there's a lot i do that is wrong and it all gets excused because i am depressed.

"i know it's not fair and i only realize it now because of you. did i really need to hear it today? probably not since i just lost my grandmother... but i needed to hear it eventually.

it's toxic for someone in such a dark place to always dump everything on those around them. i leave you guys in this waiting game, you all see me as a bomb waiting to explode... i know that... and i don't help by constantly saying i don't want to live."

"but it's not your fault you're depressed and you know we all want to help you!" seungmin said, hating the words that were leaving felix's mouth... even if they technically left his first.

"stop it seungmin, stop. don't excuse my actions like everyone else now too. you said how you felt and i needed to hear that," felix explained to the latter, "now tell me seungmin... who have you told about your anxiety?"

"my what-"

"oh don't play dumb with me... i know you have really bad anxiety. i notice your leg bouncing, the shaking, the pulling at your cuticles, the isolating, the zoning out... i noticed all of it." felix said as he placed his hand on the boy's shoulder.

"this isn't about me." seungmin hung his head low, "i came here to apologize to you felix."

"never apologize for saying how you feel, seungmin. i'm glad you finally spoke up, but now you have to keep speaking up. you have to get help for your anxiety, it's eating away at you. that's why you blew up today, isn't it? and let me guess... around chan the anxiety kind of subsides, it's easier to manage, isn't that right?" felix questioned, seeming to know it all without seungmin saying a word.

"listen seungmin, i notice everything... i notice jisung's social anxiety, changbin's depression, jeongin falling into a dark place, and i of course noticed your anxiety. i saw the signs for all of you yet i ignored them because i am selfish. at my core, i truly am selfish. i want to be happy so badly, i ignore all the bad around me. i can't do that anymore." felix shook his head disapprovingly.

"it's not selfish to want to be happy, felix." seungmin said as he interlocked his finger's with felix's.

felix gave the boy a small smile and said, "i know it's not, which is why you need to talk to chan about everything. come clean about how you feel, about how he has hurt you, about why you said what you did to me today.

"i know it was never meant to hurt me. i know it was you just deflecting your own pain. if you promise to come clean about everything, i'll accept your apology."

"felix..."

"seungmin, i'm not upset with you. i was upset because you were right. the gorup cannot just ignore everyone else and put me as a priority. everyone's feeling's matter, no matter how big or small the issue is. i don't care if hyunjin is crying because he stubbed his toe... we have to take care of him. the eight of us used to be like a family, i want to get back to that."

"i do too, lix." seungmin agreed with tears brimming his eyes.

"then let's start here... i accept your apology, seungmin, but the only thing i think you need to be sorry about it for the way you worded it and the timing of everything. other than that, you had every right to be honest about your feelings." felix said as he wrapped his arms around the boy.

"felix," seungmin said as he pulled away from the hug," can you promise me one thing?"

"what is it?"

"promise me you will try to find a reason to live... a reason that doesn't include changbin." seungmin said as he kicked at the dirt below his feet.

"one that doesn't include changbin?" the freckle faced boy questioned.

"you need to be happy on your own, not just with him. maybe then you can finally be happy and want to live." seungmin said, returning to picking at his cuticles.

"okay," felix said placing his hand on top of seungmin's once again to stop him, "i promise."

a.n.

i'm sorry for not responding to comments or messages on my conversation board. i promise i read them all, but i don't like to half-ass my responses to you guys when you take the time to write me such meaningful things.

i am just going through something at the moment and i have a lot going on with school, but i promise i will respond very soon!

thank you for all your love and support, i really appreciate it!

**i did not proofread bc i wrote this during class, sorry if there are typos**