"are you ready?" changbin asked as he stood beside felix on the porch of his grandmothers house.

felix nodded in response as he took a deep breath to prepare himself. he then twisted his key into the door and swung it open to reveal a quiet house.

lights were all off and it seemed as if no one else was there. felix looked over at changbin with a confused look on his face, and all changbin could do was shrug in response.

"mom? i'm home..." felix called out, and immediately he heard foot steps coming down the stairs.

"felix!" his mother called out as she rushed over to wrap him up in her arms.

"hi mom..." felix responded, his arms hanging at his sides, refusing to hug her back.

"aren't you going to hug me?" she asked, squeezing him harder than before.

"right..." felix mumbled before lifting up his arms and lazily putting them around her.

"i know you can hug tighter than that," she teased, but felix was not responding to it, so she ultimately let go of him.

"so you must be the infamous changbin, the boy who broke my sons heart over the summer." his mother shot a glare towards changbin.

"mom, we're fine now." felix said as he went over to changbins side and enlaced his fingers with the latter's.

"but are you happy?" she asked, and all felix could do was roll his eyes in response.

"as if you care." he mumbled under his breath.

"lix..." changbin squeezed the boys hand to stop him from saying something he'd regret.

"what was that?" she asked innocently.

"im very happy with changbin." felix said in a matter of fact type of way.

"but are you happy by yourself? you cant be in a relationship if you can't even love yourself. just look at your fath-"

"don't you dare mention him. don't compare me to him! i know all you see when you look at me is him. i know that's why you can't be around me. i know my existence pains you, but can't you see you're hurting me too?" felix cut her off before she could finish her sentence, he needed to say it.

"felix, i—"

"mom, please... i don't want to do this with you anymore. you pretend to care for me and take care of me for a few months and then ship me here when you've had enough. now you have no one to ship me to anymore so what are you going to do?

you cant just lock yourself in your room when im home and ignore me. you cant pretend like seeing my face doesn't hurt you. you cant pretend like you don't know about my suicide attempt or my self harm. you cant keep faking it!"

"f-faking it?"

"you're not any happier than i am. i make you miserable... and you haven't even tried to deny it any of the times i have said it, so that just proves i am right." felix explained, making his mother go silent.

changbin stood beside him, his hand still in felixs, and he too was speechless. there was nothing anyone could say that would change the truth, everyone there knew that.

"please don't lie to me mom, i can't take the lying. i just need you to be honest with me." felix's voice trembled as he spoke.

"felix," she sighed, "i'm sorry."

"you're sorry?"

"i am sorry," she nodded, "i haven't been there for you. i have been mentally logged off since your father died. i look at you and i see him, you're right. your grandmother told me about your... y-your suicide attempt... a-and i didn't even call to check in.

"i haven't felt like myself in years and i am not sure i will ever feel like myself again. i cant promise to take care of you because everytime i've said that in the past, i have failed you in some way or another... but i can promise you that i will try to be here more.

i want to be around for you in anyway i can, im sorry i'm not really the mother i once was. i'm sorry you have to face all of this on your own. i really wish i was stronger. i wish i was a better mother." she didn't even have a single tear brimming her eye, that's how felix knew she had numbed herself to the point of no return.

"you have to let it all in one day mom, whether you want to or not." felix muttered as he pulled on changbins hand and began walking towards the stairs.

"let what in?" his mother asked.

"the feelings mom. you've shut them out and haven't allowed yourself to feel them in so long. that's why you lost yourself. you turned off all the aspects of you that make you human, that make you alive.

"sure it's painful to feel sad, but i'd rather geel said than completely numb. just let yourself feel it. all of it." changbin stared at felix in awe, amazed by how emotionally mature the latter was becoming.

the two boys began walking up the stairs and into felixs room, leaving felixs mother behind to deal with her thoughts.

when they got into felixs room, felix finally noticed the look changbin was giving him.

"what?"

"i'm proud of you." changbin smiled as he cupped the boys cheeks.

"why?"

"because you know it's okay to feel something. good or bad, it's better than not feeling anything at all. you even said pain is what makes you human, what makes you alive. does that mean you can live with the pain?" changbin asked as he stared into the boys chocolate brown eyes.

"im learning to live with it. it's not easy, but i know it's possible." felix bit his bottom lip nervously before changbin quickly moved his thumb to make the boy release it.

"don't hurt yourself," changbin gently tugged on the boys bottom lip, causing him to release it from in between his teeth.

changbins eyes fixated on felixs pouty lips, but quickly glanced up at felixs eyes to check for the okay. the way felixs eyes lit up when he realized what changbin was doing was enough to tell the latter how he felt.

changbin smiled as he quickly moved in to plant a kiss on felixs lips. the two locked in together like a perfectly fitting mold.

everything was still so easy between them. even after all they had been through, it felt as though only something good and pure could exist when it came to them.

"i love you," changbin whispered slightly as he began to pull away.

"i like the reminder," felix giggled as he felt the giddy sensation fill him, "i love you more."

"don't do that to me. don't make me turn into that person who fights you on who loves who more." changbin shook his head disapprovingly.

"fine, i love you too, but not more. just equally." felix rolled his eyes playfully.

"good, i like that much more." changbin couldn't help but smile as he looked at felix.

he knew the battle against his mental illness hadn't been won quite yet, but felix was definitely on a road towards happiness. it no longer seemed unimaginable to think felix could live a life free of his depression... or maybe just a life that provided him a little more air and a little less suffocation.

felix wanted to breathe again. he wanted to feel alive... no, he wants to be alive, not just feel alive.

a.n.

hmmm idk if this made sense

why do i feel like i'm always all over the place fuckkkkkk