"okay, time to read chan's," felix took a deep breath as his eyes flicked over to the latter involuntarily.

chan's eyebrows were furrowed and his lips curved downward into a frown. he was picking at his cuticles nervously as he stared up at felix, waiting for the words he wrote to leave the boys lips.

"o-okay..." felix cleared his throat, "it says, 'when minho said we all had people we need to apologize to, my mind immediately went to one person in this room. although i owe a lot of you an apology, i can't help but think felix deserves it the most.

so, to felix, the boy who i betrayed on levels one cannot even begin to imagine, the boy whose forgiveness i do not deserve... im sorry.

there once was a time when i would say we were best friends and only best friends. we were nothing more and nothing less, it was perfect. somewhere down the line though, i destroyed that.

i'm sorry for thinking you owed me love in return for all i tried to do for you. i'm sorry for thinking you owed me anything at all. that's not what friendship is.

and friendship is definitely not what i did to you the day you were at your lowest point...

i know this isn't a day any of us like to rehash, i know you all have tried to forget what i have done for felix's sake because if he forgave me, then you should too, right?

but you shouldnt.

i do not understand how not a single one of you has held a grudge against me, besides maybe changbin.

i wish you would all hate me the way i deserve to be hated. why aren't we better to felix?

im so sorry felix. that day will never make sense to me. i don't understand how i could've said what i did to you and thought that would ever be okay.

i feel so much regret towards the words i used. i went there to save you, but looking back i think ultimately i was the one who drove you to a point of no return.

i know you will tell me it's not my fault, but how could i think otherwise? i basically told you that you are all alone all because i felt alone... but i wasn't alone.

even if you love changbin instead of me, you would never leave me alone. how could i possibly think you would abandon me? you were always the friend i never deserved.

i'm sorry that you have a fragile heart felix. i'm sorry that people take advantage of your kindness... and im sorry that i am one of the people who has hurt you and takes advantage of your kindness.

i would like to say im better than that, but i'm not. at the end of the day, im just as fucked up as everyone else but too scared to admit it.

i'm sorry for all i have done to hurt you felix.

i feel like you're going to tell me i have nothing to apologize for... so i'm going to tell you the worst part about me so you can realize how awful i really am...'" felixs eyes began to well as he read ahead, but didn't read it aloud.

"chan..." felix looked up.

"read it." chan instructed, and felix nodded as he wiped away the few tears that were pricking at his eyes.

"'i am most sorry for being happy that you lived that day... but not just because i was happy that you were alive... but instead because i would not have to live with the guilt of killing you.

that is my scariest truth, and it does not deserve to be forgiven.

i look back at that day and realize why i never deserved you... it's because of the things i did and continue to do.

im so sorry, felix. no matter how many times i say it, it'll never be enough. so honestly, don't accept my apology, wait until i deserve it.'" felix ripped up chan's rather large piece of paper and allowed the pieces to fall onto the ground.

"fuck you." felix muttered angrily, "fuck you! fuck you! FUCK YOU!"

"felix," changbin stood up as he tried to calm the boy down.

"fuck you!" felix continued to shout through his tears, but changbin muffled his cries by wrapping the boy up in his arms and allowing felix to bury his face in his chest.

"im sorry, felix." chan said weakly, staying in his spot on the ground, not wanting to overstep when felix was clearly overwhelmed by his emotions.

everyone in the room was silent. the only thing to be heard was felix violently sobbing into changbin's arms.

there was nothing that could be said that would fix this, mainly because no one could even begin to imagine what felix was going through.

no one knew the exact reason for his tears or why he was cursing at chan. felixs emotions always were a mystery to the group, and this time was no different.

"why can't i hate you?" felix asked weakly as he looked over at chan, "i just want to hate you."

"i know, i'm sorry..." chan admitted, "you can hit me if you want... i-if that'll make you feel better."

"hitting you does nothing for me." felix pried himself away from changbin and he walked over to chan.

"m-maybe-"

"it won't fix this, chan. i can't ever hate you. i could never see you as the boy you are now. i can only ever see you as my best friend who saved me more times than he hurt me.

i know you're still in there, just please bring him back. bring back my best friend. i don't like this person you have become!" felix said as he hit his hands harshly against chan's chest.

"okay, okay." chan grabbed ahold of felixs wrists to stop him, knowing this was just his emotions talking.

"you want me to forgive you?" felix questioned, earning a nod in return from chan, "then just bring back my best friend."

"okay felix, okay." chan repeated his words and just allowed felixs head to crash onto his shoulder.

the blonde continued to cry for a bit longer, and no one stopped him. his best friend had just admitted to his most heinous thought, no one expected felix to be okay with that, especially when it had to do with such a difficult time in his life.

yet still, chan had to say it and felix needed to hear it.

a.n.

idk if this turned out how i wanted it to

i feel like what i write never really comes out like the way i originally envisioned it