the boy's all heard a loud screech, but not a single one of them had their eyes opened to witness what happened to chan.

seungmin was the first to open his eyes, slowly, only opening one at a time. he collapsed onto the ground, completely in shock after he did so.

the rest slowly started to open their eyes, but felix still kept them shut. he was shaking terribly, so afraid of what could have happened to chan.

he didn't open his eyes until he heard a car door and some murmurs of a voice.

"i'm so sorry, i didn't see anyone in the street. are you alright?" the driver had stepped out to ask chan who was standing just a few millimeters away from the front end of his car.

"i'm okay, you came close to hitting me, but you didn't." chan sighed a bit with relief.

"i'm glad you are okay." the driver said, and the two continued to speak for a few more seconds, each exchanging apologies and forgiveness.

once the driver had pulled away, felix marched right over to chan with anger seeping through his pores. he was so visibly furious it was almost scary.

"felix-" changbin tried to grab ahold of the boy and stop him, unsure of what he was about to do, but felix just shook him off.

"are you an idiot?" felix asked and chan just pointed to himself as a question, slightly confused.

"yes you! you are the only one who was at the brink of death!" felix shouted, getting closer and closer to the boy.

"i-"

"don't even answer that." felix rolled his eyes, "you are so stupid. i can't believe you. do you even care about your own life? do you even want to be alive?"

"i-i-" chan kept stuttering, unable to form any real sentences.

"you saved seungmin, great job, but you almost killed yourself in the process." felix said as his eyes welled with tears, but his words came out like venom on his tongue.

"what did you want me to do? let seungmin get hurt?" seungmin's eyes went wide as he heard this, he knew that's not what felix meant, but it hurt to hear chan insinuate that.

"don't do that. don't turn this on me like you always fucking do! let me be angry for once without guilting me into feeling bad for you! JUST LET ME SPEAK!" felix shouted, the tears beginning to pour down his face.

"fine, i'll let you speak." chan took a deep breath to calm himself down, and he prepared himself to listen attentively.

"what i wanted you to do was save seungmin and yourself. i know it's a spur of the moment thing and your adrenaline was pumping with only the thought of saving seungmin on your mind.

but maybe if you didn't hate yourself, you would have thought to save yourself too. you could have grabbed onto to seungmin, pulled him back, and both of you would be safe.

instead, you pushed him out of the way and just stood there. you didn't even attempt to keep running, you just accepted it. do you want to die chan? do you believe you deserve to die? because what i watched happen does not seem like something someone who wants to live would do."

"i just want a do-over." chan mumbled at such a low volume, felix could hardly hear him.

"what was that?" felix questioned.

"i want to be able to fix and correct my mistakes. i want to start over with all of you. i want to go back to september when school first started and when the problems arose. i want to change how i acted back then so i would've never became this person.

i don't want to die, but i do want this version of me to die. that's why i want to go to australia. i'm not doing it to hurt you, i'm doing it to change myself.

i just feel like i cannot grow if i stay here. i cannot become the person i want to be if i keep on living in the same place that made me fall apart.

i don't have anyone else to blame besides myself for all the mistakes i've made, but maybe a new school and new faces can help me find myself, my true self and not this awful version of myself that i've become." chan expressed, his voice shaking as he spoke.

"i think this is the first time we've listened to each other in awhile. it's the first time we spoke like normal friends do. we didn't hurt each other with our words. we didn't guilt the other person...

is it possible you and i are just toxic for each other? are we just not meant to be friends after all we have gone through?" felix's eyes were swollen, hardly even opened at this point. the bloodshot red was shining through and the brown in his eyes could hardly be noticed.

chan stayed silent, thinking about what felix said. chan feels like his normal self around seungmin. he feel okay around jisung, minho, jeongin, and hyunjin. he feels slightly angry around changbin... but around felix? around felix he doesn't even know who he is.

"why are you silent?" felix's voice broke as he said this.

all the boys watched in complete silence. this was the moment between felix and chan that needed to happen.

"you don't want me to say it." chan shook his head.

"we both know the truth, just say it." felix shrugged it off as if it were nothing, but the facial expressions that he found it impossible to hide proved it meant much more to him than he wanted to admit.

"we are toxic for each other. i wanted you to love me and so i guilted you for not loving me. you live with that guilt now whether you admit that or not.

you see me and you resent me, same way i resent you. i pushed you to the edge and even though i felt so remorseful, that does not excuse what i did.

we have too much bad to salvage the good. i'm sorry, felix." chan meant it when he said the words 'i'm sorry,' he really did want to fix their relationship.

felix then collapsed into chan's arms, holding onto the boy tightly as he sobbed into the soft material he was wearing.

"i hope you find your happiness in australia." felix said as he cried, "i'm sorry we became toxic for each other. promise me when we each find our own happiness that we can come back to each other and be reunited as friends."

"felix," chan rubbed the latter' aback gently as he spoke, "you already have your happiness here. i know you have a lot going wrong in your life, but don't let that clog your vision.

you have changbin, an amazing guy who loves you a lot. you have jisung and jeongin, two boy's who are practically fighting to earn the spot as your number one best friend because they love you so much.

then you have seungmin, he may be extremely jealous of you, but he won't admit that... but aside from that, he loves you and cares for you.

and lastly, you have minho and hyunjin. both boys who care about you and only want the best for you.

you have a friend group here, a second family. you have people who go to the ends of the earth just to see you smile. you are not alone in your fight, let them in, let them help you."

chan spoke softly, making sure only felix could hear his words of encouragement. he knew felix needed this reminder after he had convinced him the group didn't care.

felix pealed himself away from chan and look at his eyes, "you were the same person that told me all the opposite things about them..."

"i know, i wish i had an answer for why i did that back then. i hope you know those words came from a place of hurt, a place of loneliness in myself... these words come from the heart, i mean these ones much more than i ever meant the ones i said back then." chan explained, hoping felix would believe him, but he knew felix had no real reason to.

"you always have a place here chan, whenever you're ready for us, you can comeback." felix responded with a weak smile.

"thank you, sunshine," chan smiled in response, unsure if it was still okay for him to use this nickname for the blonde, "good luck with everything. until next time..."

chan gave one last hug to felix before he ushered seungmin to get into his car. the two boys then drove off, and felix was left with tears in his eyes and a void in his heart.

he had lost chan a long time ago, but it was now that he was finally able to grieve that loss.

a.n.

i had slight difficulty writing this chapter yikes

oh and not that anyone cares but i saw people commenting on stigma from when i said what groups i stan/ who my biases were so i wanted to give you guys an updated list...

ult of ults:

stray kids (of course)

ults:

the boyz, ateez, nct dream

other groups i stan:

astro, txt, itzy, stayc, seventeen

other groups i love:

day6, twice, nct127, wayv, loona (i will consider myself a stan once i finish listening to their entire discography)

groups i want to get into:

everglow

uh i can't think of any other groups now, i probably missed a few whoops

biases for groups i stan (let me know if y'all think i have a type):

stray kids- minho (ult of all ults) chan (bias) changbin (bias wrecker/ bias idk)

the boyz- changmin (ult) sangyeon, sunwoo, juyeon (biases)

ateez- yeosang (ult) yunho (bias)

nct dream- renjun (ult) jisung (bias, so close to ult idkkk)

astro- minhyuk

txt- yeonjun and soobin

itzy- yeji and chaeryeong

stayc- isa and sumin

seventeen- dino (ult) joshua and jeonghan (biases)

soooo what's my type 👁👁

edit: i stan everglow HEAVILY now even though it's only been a few days LOL

my biases are yiren and mia, i can't really pick an ult out of the two. i think my bias wrecker is onda though ❤️‍🔥