Pan's POV (A/N: JUST PLAY THE DAMN SONG ON REPEAT AND WE CAN ALL HOLD HANDS AND CRY BECAUSE IT'S LIKE FELIX IS SINGING OK BYE)

She's gone.

That thought simply kept repeating itself in my head for days. I was completely closed off from the boys and stayed in my room. My Lily was gone. Not only gone, but she'd left. On her own. That wasn't supposed to be possible. It was supposed to be her and me for the rest of time. Even if we weren't together, she needed to be near me, as much as I needed to be near her.

The weather on the island was out of control, as it was in tune with my emotions. Most days, it was just cloudy, but sometimes it was dangerously windy or rainy. I tried to keep it from hailing or snowing, but that was the best I could do. It seemed like my magic was cutting me off until I got my act together. I could transport and hold the storms at bay, but that was the limit. It was all I really felt like doing.

She's gone.

Sometimes, Felix would drop by the tree where I'd found him before, but he avoided it like the plague if I happened to be there, which was often. One group walked by Skull Rock near my room, though they didn't know that) and had apparently dubbed it "the thinking tree." An apt name, considering. All I thought about there was my own biggest failures: Rumple and Lily. Mostly Lily.

She's gone. And she's not coming back. I can't just shut down because of some stupid girl.

She's not stupid. How dare you?

I know she's not stupid, Pietro. It's a figure of speech. Now go away.

I mentally built a brick wall around my alter ego. I blamed him, in part, for the way I'd been acting; maybe walling off my more sensitive side would fix something. Maybe it would dull the pain in my heart.

She's gone, Pietro thought at me faintly. And you're too stubborn to just let it hurt.

Lily's POV

I knew why I had agreed to this. It was my idea, my choice, my everything. I couldn't deal with this new Pan, the one who kept making puppy eyes at me. I didn't want him, didn't want to be with him. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

A piece of stray hair fell into my face and I brushed it away in annoyance. How Felix managed to live with this wreck on his head and not tie it back was beyond me. I realized pretty early on that Felix's job as the Lost Boys' lieutenant was a lot more work than he let on, especially when Pan was being a mopey asshole. It took some getting used to. Actually, a lot of things did. After all, I was a completely different gender now.

I suppose I should explain.

When Felix too me back to camp, I fell asleep, blah, blah, blah. After a while, I woke up in the tent and the entire world kind of crashed down on me when I saw Felix less than a foot away from me, fast asleep. I shared everything with Felix. He knew as much about me-- more, probably --as I did; I couldn't keep a secret from him, especially not one this big. I got up quietly, thinking that maybe a walk would clear my head. I hummed a sad song pensively, trying so sort through everything in my head: Pan, Felix, Pan, Rosalie, Pan, Pietro, Pan, Storybrooke, Pan, Emma, Pan. My once simple world was now more complicated than one of Rumplestiltskin's contracts. The question was: How could I fix it?

The more I thought about it, the more obvious it became. I needed to go away. Problem was, just the thought made me dry heave into the grass. Stupid true love magic.

A branch cracking alerted me to someone's presence. "You know, it's impolite to sneak up on a lady when she's alone. One might even call it indecent."

"It's a good thing I don't care about being a decent human being then," Felix said with a yawn. "You wanna tell me what you're thinking about yet, or do I have to tie you to a tree first?"

I shrugged and sat at the base of a tree. "What do you want to know?" A dangerous question, but I meant it. I refused to actively lie to him.

He sat next to me and started with easy questions: where I'd gone, where I'd stayed, who I'd met. Then came the inevitable. "So what about Pan?"

"What about him?" I asked defensively.

Felix smiled sadly at the ground. "There's something different about the way you two have been acting around each other. Did something happen that you aren't telling me?" It wasn't a question and we both knew it. I refused to respond.

"I'm not mad, sweetheart. I pretty much knew it from the second you showed up. That's why I backed off so quickly."

I let out a breath. "That makes no sense. Yeah, something happened, but that was between Rose and Pietro, not Pan and Lily. Why should that affect how you treated me before it even happened?"

"Because not all of us are blind?" He chuckled, still watching the ground. "You didn't want to see it, either of you, but it was obvious to anyone who was looking." A million questions swirled through my head, but it didn't seem like he was done. "It's good to know though."

"Felix... what's this really about?" He finally looked at me and I was horrified to see the telltale glint of tears in his eyes. "Oh... Oh."

"You have no idea how hard I tried to hate you. No idea. I just couldn't. God help me, I couldn't. But I don't know if I can watch you two like this."

He wanted to leave, I realized. He wanted to leave and so did I, but we couldn't. "The spring..."

"Not my biggest concern," he said quietly. "Do you think you're the only one who's gone on errands with the pirates?"

"Pan is going to go insane when he finds you gone. He cares about you, Felix." I cared about him. I didn't want him to go either.

"He's killing me!" he snapped. "For six hundred and fifty years, he's been killing me. You both have. At least you didn't know you were doing it."

He knows? Not the point. "He loves you. Maybe not in the way you want, but he does. We all do."

Felix shrugged and wiped his eyes. "He won't look for me though. I have a plan. Here," he said, handing me something. A small pendant held a strange green plant with six leaves. "He won't even notice I'm gone if I not the one that's missing."

"Meaning what, exactly?" There was something big up his sleeve, I was sure of it. The pendant was cool in my hand.

"That's a six leaf clover from Wonderland. Very hard to come by, very powerful. God knows how Pan got it, but when I asked him for one a few centuries back, he didn't ask questions. That necklace can turn someone into someone else." He looked at me meaningfully.

It was like a lightbulb switched on. "You want me to be you. Smart."

"I thought you'd need slightly more convincing than that. Aren't you--"

"I was thinking about leaving before you showed up, but I can't." I wrapped my arms around my knees. "As much as I want to, I can't. It hurts just to think about. At least you're offering me a way out."

And so the plan was hatched.

*~*~*

That was how I ended up running the camp while Pan sulked. It was both heartwarming and heartbreaking when I broke the "news" that "Lily was gone;" the boys were absolutely devastated. I told myself that the result would be even worse if I told them the truth. Luckily, they knew how close I was to Felix so they gave "Felix" some space, probably to grieve.

Of course I grieved. The boys had lost a sister, but I'd lost a brother. I'd lost the best friend I could ever hope to have. And I'd ripped an unfixable hole between myself and the boy I-- no.

I'd made my choice.

But you do love him, Rosalie said to me. You made the wrong choice, moron.

I shrugged to myself. Rose wasn't me. She was a part of me, but I knew who I was. After three hundred years (apparently), I knew. I wasn't Uriel or Rosalie or Felix. I was weird mix of all three. Whatever name I answered to, I was Lily, and that wasn't going to change no mater who I loved or was forced to love.

I missed being around Felix all the time, but he'd made his choice. As much as I wanted him around, I didn't want him hurting. My biggest problem was seeing Pan this way. I told myself that it was his moping around like a teenage girl and making more work for me. With Rosalie in my head, it was impossible to convince myself when I knew that it was really only one thing.

The pain he was in... I could feel it. Every stab of grief, every ache of memory, every single old wound that he poked and prodded until it was bleeding agony; it all made its mark on me as it did him, and it was my fault. Everything that had gone wrong on Neverland, ever, was my fault when I thought about it: the first girl, Pan disappearing, the pirates' new, annoying disobedience (as Felix I had to deal with that too), and "Lily" abandoning the boys. All the pain anyone had ever felt on Neverland... it was all because of me.

"Hey Felix," Devin said, shaking my shoulder. "Your food is on fire."

"Yes I know, Devin. I was enjoying the sparks before you interrupted me."

He looked a little taken aback; the old Felix would never have snapped at him or the boys as much as I tended to, but I knew that if Pan had changed so drastically, Felix would have too. If I was right about how much he cared about me, the boys would understand and accept that the gentle, loving Felix they knew was gone. I cared about them, cared for them, but so much suffering in so little time (comparatively) had left me broken in ways that no magic could fix.

"I'll just round the boys up for some fairy hunting then--"

I cut him off. "No. Have them go train. Form's been sloppy for a while and we always have to be ready for anything."

Devin hesitated before nodding. "Are you coming? You haven't picked up a knife since..." Devin was a brave boy, a smart one. Smart enough to use caution when approaching the beast. Smart enough not to finish the sentence. Brave enough to try anyway. "Not since Lily."

My gaze snapped up at him from the firepit as I touched the new-old scar running down the side of my face. "I'm not having this conversation with you, Devin. She's gone, and that's that. I haven't felt like sparring lately. That's all."

He looked like he wanted to reply but he turned with another biting look from me. Almost to himself, he muttered, "We miss her too, you know."

Maybe it was my nerves that made me do it. Maybe it was that almost snobbish comment. Maybe I was just grieving. Whatever the reason, I had Devin's snarky ass pinned up against a tree and a knife to his throat.

"Not like I do," I croaked out. We weren't talking about the same person at all. Actually, in a sense we kind of were. "Not like I do."

I shoved him away, satisfied that I'd put the fear of god in him for long enough to leave an impression. Good thing Felix was taller than Lily. "Now go spar with the boys before you really piss me off."

I met my ten-day deadline, whew! I try to upload a chapter every ten days, more or less, so that I can hold myself accountable.

Okay, selfish moment here. I'M IN FREAKING WASHINGTON DC. WTF. It's for this forensics program that I'm doing and it's a lot of fun but it's really stressful and I had a really bad anxiety attack a couple days back. Sorry for those of you who have been waiting to hear what the actual f*** happened to Lily, but there's been a lot of crap going on so.... here you are. Hope you like it.