But I swear to God I wanna love again

"Bye Lilo...I'm going to miss you baby." I spoke softly too her while she kicked her feet. "Tell me bye." I tickled them. "Nooo!" She laughed. She has been stuck on this word lately. Everything with her is no, or she'd randomly say mama, stit for Stitch, or dada which was actually her first word.

I placed a small kiss on her forehead before closing the door and talking to my grandmother who was in the front seat.

"You've got everything right? I bought a whole case of diapers and wipes the other day so you got about a hundred of them in there for later. She's got clothes by you and I put her pacifier in there as well. If she doesn't go to bed by 12:00, just make her a little bit of formula. She migh-"

"Allaya how many damn times I done watched this baby? I know how to take care of her. Go on and try to enjoy your weekend. Alright?" My grandmother exclaimed. "Call me when you're ready to tell him."

I was always nervous when Lilo wasn't with me. Even if it was only for three days, my little partner in crime wasn't going to be here to keep me company.

"Alright. Just don't feed her all that macaroni and cheese and peas n' rice like you did last time." I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm one of those moms that keep their kids on a gluten free, organic diet. When I was pregnant, I read somewhere that it was the best option to ensure that they had a healthy development. But clearly my old school grandmother didn't agree."

"Allaya get from 'round me with that. Lilo don't be complaining... ain't das right Gigi's baby." She looked through the rare view mirror at her.

I shook my head in return, "Call me if anything happens...I mean it Grammy."

She started the car and began reversing out of the yard, but not before yelling out "Get a life Laya!"

I went back inside and debated about what I should wear to the rehearsal dinner tonight. From the vibe Nene was going for, it was supposed to be casual beachy theme. Bri and I persuaded her to go in that direction, after she came up with the idea of an all white dinner.

Surprisingly, I was actually looking forward to socializing with adults. Both Bri and Nene would be there to keep me company just in case anything happened. It should be fun.

/•/

Tense.

That's how this dinner felt. Although, I was seated between Bri and Freaky, she was engrossed in a deep conversation with Jay's sister, while Nene was at the other end of the table cuttin' up with her fiancé. But, I sat awkwardly in the middle of the twenty person table, across from Dave who hadn't stopped eyeing me yet. Jasmine, who was on the side of him seemed not to notice as she continuously checked her self in the hand mirror she was holding.

I pushed a piece of lobster around my plate, until Shoota called my name,

"So Allaya, what else have you been getting into down here?", Shoota looked at me from over his glass. I knew exactly what he was playing at.

I placed my fork down and used the napkin in my lap to wipe my mouth. "Nothing really. My life is mostly the beach and bookings. This place takes up a lot of my time."

"That's all you do? Work?" He asked.

"Pretty much, but I enjoy it.", I went back to playing with my food.

"Damm that's a lot shit to do. Your workers must be loyal as hell." Freaky commented.

"Yeah I do have a great team."

From across the table, Dave sucked his teeth and mumbled loud enough for us to hear, "She ain't know shit about no damn loyalty."

Here we go.

"What was that Dave?" I challenged him. He hadn't said shit this entire time, but now all of a sudden he was becoming talkative.

"You heard me."

"I didn't...clearly that's why I'm asking you to repeat it!" I exclaimed agitated. Bri placed her hand on my knee to let me know that I was drawing attention. So, I tucked my hair behind my ear and moved on.

"How are things in NY?" I spoke directly to him. We were both passive aggressive in nature, so we'd see how this conversation worked out.

"Same as it was when you left. Shit it might be better." He muttered unphased.

Damn I walked right into that one.

"Doubt it." I said to myself before moving onto his girlfriend. "Jasmine, you're East's girlfriend right? That's unfortunate." I whispered to myself but Freaky must of heard me because he was crackin' up. "How did y'all meet?"

She looked at me, a hint of an attitude surrounding her facial expression, then moved closer to Dave before saying, "While he was on tour. We were at the same event in Atlanta and I've been seeing him for the past two weeks." she said proudly.

Nene told me that was some kind of stripper turned Instagram influencer based out of Atlanta. Apparently she was quite popular amongst many male celebrity circles.

"Wooow two weeks? That's basically a lifetime. Y'all look good together." I commented with a hint of sarcasm.

I felt Freaky's shoulders shake on the side of me as he silently laughed to himself. He whispered in my ear while still trying to contain it, "Why are you like this?"

"I know."Jasmine replied rolling her eyes. "So where's your nigga?"

I was about to reply when someone grabbed my shoulder.

"Wassup Lay", I turned around to see Ryan behind me in an open while linen shirt with a large chain on his neck. I'd never seen him outside of his work clothes before, so I ended up starting at him a bit longer before standing to greet him.

"Hey Ryan!" I smiled and offered him a hug. "This is my friend's rehearsal dinner." I pointed at Nene at the head of the table. "You're here for dinner by yourself?" I looked around for a possible female companion.

"No actually I have a few business partners here from Brazil, I thought I'd take them for a drink at the best restaurant on the island and show them the work we're doing on the beach." He smiled.

I finally noticed the three men near the path.

"Ohh of course go right ahead. You need me to come with you?" I asked, hoping he'd say yes so that I could escape Dave's glares and this conversation.

He chuckled casually, "No I've got it. Plus I don't think you could manage the sand with those shoes." He looked down at my feet. "You look amazing by the way. But have a goodnight" he leaned over to kiss my cheek.

When I finally sat back down not only was Dave, Shoota and Freaky staring at me but Bri now had her head turned in my direction with a curious smirk.

"Laya who is that?"

"Just my contractor Bri." I whispered in her ear.

She was about to reply with something snarky but both Ne and Jay got up to speak. She looked stunning in her white satin dress, her bone straight hair flowing down her back. Even in the dim light from the table lanterns and candles, she had an incredible glow.

"Thank you all for coming. It's been so nice for Jay and I to have the people we cherish most, here to celebrate us." Jay's arm wrapped around her waist protectively, and he pressed a kiss on to her temple.

I smiled at the small gesture. Never have I seen her so happy, such a stark difference from how she was two years ago.

Shit. I cursed myself for even thinking about that time, the dark clouds that I thought I finally got rid flashed in my head again.

For some reason I looked over to Dave in the middle of the speech. His expression had a hint of worry on it, but it was mostly still a mug. It was crystal clear that he resented me and maybe I felt the same way even if just a bit.

"Now I'd like to invite Jay's best man, Dave and one of my maid of honors, Laya to say a few words."

My head snapped in Nene's direction and nervousness covered my face as I got up to go to the head of the table with Dave.

I adjusted the top of my dress and accepted a glass of champagne that a server handed me for the toast.

I looked at Dave so that he could go first, but he nudged me forward,

"Ladies first..."

I cut my eye at him then cleared my throat, "Umm I didn't know I'd have to say anything tonight." I laughed lightly. "But there are no words to describe how much joy I have for Shaneice and Jaheim's union. I've known Nene for well over six years and this is truly the happiest I've seen her. From what I know about love and life, it's rare to find your person. The person who'll love you unconditionally, who won't lie or manipulate you, who forgives and who accepts. Jay you've found your person in my friend, and I hope that you never let each other go. To Jay and Shaneice." I raised my glass and took a step back.

I didn't even know where those words came from but now for some reason I was a bit sad.

"I'm not really good with this type of shit. Damn my bad, look I'm messing already."

Dave apologized and everyone at the table chuckled at his bluntness. "I have a way with words in my music but imma keep it simple. Jay been my boy since diapers, so we've experienced and seen our fair share of things already. But damn, I don't think anything could've prepared us for shit like this. Like Allaya said, finding the person you can trust, who ain't gonna betray you, who'll accept you and stay by your side through thick and thin is hard. Sometimes you do, and other times you think you do" He looked to his side at me. "Y'all are better together. Find happiness with each other, don't let anyone destroy what y'all built." He finished his speech up by toasting. "Now y'all raise y'all muthafuckin' glass for the bride and groom."

My bottom lip wobbled and I could feel the pressure of tears behind them. I don't even know why I wanted to cry. I guess it was because I now knew that he thought of me as someone who maliciously betrayed him, when that definitely wasn't the case.

"To Jaheim and Shaneice", everyone said together.

Instead of sitting back down in my seat, I grabbed my bag and squatted down to talk to Bri. "It's getting late and I'm gonna go."

"Wait why? You okay?"

"Yeah you know me. I'm tired and I wanna call Lilo before my grammy goes to bed. I'll see you tomorrow for the bachelorette festivities." I tried to wink at her.

Back home, with one hand on the wall, I managed to take my heels off and drop them at the door.

What a freakin' night.

What was supposed to be a pleasant atmosphere, was filled with regret and disdain all because of me and Dave.

I opened the fridge to grab the bottle of Chardonnay I left in there last week, and a charcuterie board I got from the restaurant yesterday. I was going to drown myself in wine and dairy until I felt better. After, connecting my phone to the Bluetooth speaker in the kitchen, I played the perfect toxic song that I needed to grovel. Then I jumped up onto the counter and crossed my legs. I used my teeth to pop the cork and ended up pouring it into one of Lilo's random sippy cups, while Drake's voice filled the house.

In no time, I was back on the floor with the broom in my hand, sweeping and dancing while screaming the lyrics to Shot For Me.

"Mad 'cause he ain't like me. Oh you mad 'cause nobody ever did it like me. All the care I would take. All the love that we made. Now you're trying to find somebody to replace what I gave to you."

I sipped from my cup again, clearly feeling the song and absorbing the lyrics, because I stood in front of the hallway mirror and looked at myself while I yelled the words. My eyes pooling with the reality of the song.

"I'M THE MAN YEAH I SAID IT. BITCH I'M THE MAN DON'T YOU FORGET IT." I pointed at myself in the mirror. "The way you walk THAT'S ME. The way you talk THAT'S ME!"

Needless to say this was a low point. But a necessary one, I needed to get my frustration out without going completely insane.

Only until Saturday night. That's when this shit would boil over.

Stitch looked a me from the end of the hall, I was going crazy at eleven o'clock at night. But he seemed to understand because he eventually laid down and looked up at me with his pitiful eyes.

"That's me, and the voice in your ear. That's me, can't you see. That I made it? Yeah I made it..." I lowered my voice and dropped the broom to turn the music off.

"Shit Allaya. How do we always end up here?" I asked myself. I pushed my hair out my face and tried to wipe away some of my smudged eyeliner.

"Forget this, I'll just put on a face mask and watch Netflix with Stitch."

I went back into the kitchen to grab the wine and cheeseboard, then began walking to my living room when I noticed that I didn't lock the screen door.

Placing the items on the hallway table, I went to turn the key, when I noticed someone sitting on one of the chairs on my veranda. A coil of smoke emitting from their lips. I couldn't see who it was, only a small piece of their side profile.

Sometimes guests got lost and ended up here for directions. But it was late, so just to be safe I grabbed the metal bat that I kept in a closet near the door, then gently opened the screen and jumped up on the side of the person with the bat raised.

"What the hell are you doing on my property?!" I yelled.

Dave looked up at me, blunt in hand and laughed his ass off, like shit was funny. "What you was gon do? Hit me?" He asked between laughs. "Yo I don't know what killin' me more, you singing or that bat. You got a nigga dying."

Why was he here?

"I also got a buckshot in there, I could put one in your ass and call it a night." I lowered my arms.

Dave eventually stopped laughing, wiping the corner of his eyes.

I hated him.

No you don't.

"Why are you here? Actually, how did you find my house?"

"I took a walk and found this place." I shrugged

She eyed me suspiciously, hugging the bat to her chest. I still can't believe her lil' ass was gon try and swing on me.

"Ok but answer my first question." She demanded with an attitude.

Why was I here?

I sighed and put out the blunt in the ash tray I was carrying.

"To make amends with you...just for the wedding. We got to get along for the next two days and after that we can go back to hating each other."

Truth be told Nene made me come over here to deal with this. For the past two years that she's been with Jay, we've grown closer and she's become like a sister to me. She noticed the subtle shade both Laya and I were throwing during our speeches and demanded that we fixed shit before the ceremony.

"I don't hate you." She said quietly. "If that's all you came to say, you can leave. If you respect me, I'll remain respectful to you and we won't have any more problems." She turned to go back inside. I grabbed the edge of the door before she could close it.

"I got a peace offering, plus I wanna holla at you for a minute." I held up the small baggie I had in my pocket.

"I don't smoke anymore and we can talk some other time."

"Allaya..." I called her name in frustration. I looked at her sternly before she gave in.

She knew I was not about to play with her ass.

"What kind is it?" She asked referring to the weed.

I put my hand up on the door frame and looked at her through the screen door.

"Banana OG", It was her favorite.

"Fine." She finally settled. She opened a door then put the bat inside, and grabbed what looked like a blanket and her keys off the table.

"You ain't gon invite me inside?"

"Nope. My nigga ain't gonna like that." She said with a straight face.

"Ain't nobody in there witchu. Where you going? It's mosquitoes out here Laya damn!" She walked off without another word. I had no choice but to follow her around the side of the house, through a small gate that led to the dark beach.

In her tight dress, she laid the blanket down against the cool wind and sat on it, leaving a space for me to sit.

"Well we're here, you promised me Banana OG and conversation, so get crackin" she snapped her fingers.

Truth be told, a nigga didn't even know how to talk to her after all this time. It was difficult trying to come up with some clever way to ask her all the shit I wanted to know.

I took out a pre-rolled blunt and lit it. Inhaling it, I allowed it to linger in my chest before exhaling and passing it to Laya. She looked at it with uncertainty, before doing the same and ended up coughing.

"Shit, I told you I don't do this anymore." She finally caught herself and drank from the water bottle she brought.

"Why did you leave?" The question seemed to take her by surprise because she froze mid drink.

"You know why left?"

I pulled from the blunt again before responding, "Nah I refuse to believe I was the only reason you did that. You know my first instinct was that you was trying fuck me over with yo dad-"

"Then why are you here?! Why are you talking to someone who supposedly deceived you?" Her voice growing louder with frustration. "I am a lot of things David, but one thing I am not is disloyal." She adjustted her body away from me.

"If you want me to believe that then answer my question." I said in return. If it was one thing I wanted, it was simply the truth.

"Why didn't you ask me to stay...or reach out?" She asked instead.

I sighed and leaned back in the blanket, "You didn't wanna stay or be found and I heard you were in London with yo pops."

Her mouth transformed into a bitter scowl, "Obviously that's not true and whoever told you that is an ass."

I laughed at the way she spoke, she still had a hard mouth and was quick with the comebacks.

"Now answer my question."

Her eyes remained glued at the ocean but she drew her knees up to her chest and pulled down her orange dress. The large moon illuminating the water and her face. Eventually she stretched her hand over to me and I passed her the blunt, this time she pulled from it with ease.