memories are pay-per-view,

it costs too much to think of y o u . . .

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Eighty-seven missed calls. Twenty-two voicemails that'd gone from distraught, to frustrated, to desperate. Over one hundred text messages that I'd picked and chosen which ones to respond to.

One week since I walked out of my apartment. One week since I'd seen Gus or heard his voice. One week of total estrangement from the life I used to know.

We'd broken up once before, in college. For a month.

It was a year before graduation, during the last few weeks of our junior year. I didn't like the person Gus was becoming. The college atmosphere – fused with too much drinking and not enough discipline all while surrounded by badly behaved influences round the clock – was negatively affecting him. Living separately at our own schools was taking its toll on us, both individually and as a couple.

One uneventful Friday night in the midst of final exam season, when either half the student body was out reveling or staying in due to a horrific rainstorm, my roommate and I had decided to be homebodies for once. Instead of studying we restarted Gossip Girl, ranted and raved about boys, and polished off a second-rate bottle of wine in our dorm room. I'd convinced her to dump the frat guy she was sleeping with because allegedly he wasn't being faithful to her (anyone with a semi-functioning brain knew that), and she convinced me to break up with Gus.

I did. We reconciled right before summer break, and got our first apartment in the fall for our last year together as undergrads. It was like we never even separated.

My roommate was furious with me for getting back together with him. I told her to fuck off and we never spoke again.

I couldn't tell if this time was going to be different or not.

It was different in the sense that I had to actually remove myself from our place. That time I broke up with Gus in college was done drunkenly on the phone with all the confidence that cheap wine and a pep talk from my roommate could provide me with. I didn't have to deal with him face-to-face, nor could I because we resided at different schools, up to our necks in term projects, tests, and presentations for weeks. We couldn't properly experience or handle a breakup even if we wanted to.

This time around, when I found myself going through the motions of waking up, working, then coming straight home to the sofa or my newly acclaimed bed at Collin and Jax's place every day, I knew that this was what it should have been like back then.

One week and I was already feeling less and less like myself with every fucking minute that went by. I hadn't worn any makeup other than some clumpy mascara to work that I seriously should've considered replacing, yet couldn't care enough to do it. I'd been rotating through the same six pieces of clothing I'd brought with me from the apartment, wondering how long I would last before giving up and going back for the rest of my stuff. By the time I'd get home from work, I'd barely have enough energy to eat or shower.

I'd become a recluse. My life had become a fast-forwarded montage of tedious cab rides, endless rounds of laundry, walks with my dog, and never enough sleep. It was the longest seven days I'd ever lived through.

Now it was Monday, again, but since there were only two days until Christmas that meant I was off. Donatella always closed her office the week of Christmas, so it was a pretty convenient week to be out of work given the timing of my breakup.

I had secured myself to the living room sofa for a majority of the day, with Ziggy and a marathon of hackneyed holiday movies to keep me company. Essentially they all had the same plot line; a single mom that claimed to have no room in her life for love just so happens to fall for the new guy in town that was trying to double-cross her earlier. It was a load of shit that I couldn't stop watching, probably because it made me forget about my own pathetic problems for a little while.

By the time Collin had gotten home from a day full of errands just before dinner time, I hadn't changed positions since he left, and that was practically nine hours ago. On the black suede sofa that had become too accustomed to my body, wearing Gus' t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants I'd stolen from Collin since I didn't have my own, with my hair in a massive knot on top of my head and my whole body wrapped in a blanket like it was a tourniquet.

Carrying two loaded paper bags of groceries, he walked into the living room, saw me, and shook his head.

"Didn't know I had Miss America as my new roommate," he cracked as a joke.

I unraveled one of my hands from under the blanket and flipped him off.

He sent me a grin, then headed to the kitchen where he spent several minutes putting the groceries away. I'd heard all the commotion of things falling to the floor, him cursing, doors slamming, and something that sounded like it was small and made of glass shattering. Ziggy's head popped up at the sound, all too curious about what happened, but I held him back.

I already had both a spirit and heart that evaporated into nothingness. I didn't need lacerated dog paws on top of that.

By the time the movie broke for a commercial, Collin had come back into the living room and sunk into the sofa. Ziggy was curled up between us, taking more of a liking to Collin than me since that's who was giving him more attention at the moment.

While he kneaded Ziggy's head, Collin turned to me as I kept my eyes on the TV.

"Is Jax still out shooting?" He asked, and I nodded. "You doing okay?"

I shrugged. There was no way I could really answer that question when I couldn't even fathom the thought of it.

Collin sighed and in another attempt to get me talking, he asked, "What are you watching?"

"Some dumb Hallmark movie," I mumbled.

He hummed for a response.

The commercial break ended and the movie was back on, though I was only slightly paying attention because my mind was running in circles. It had been doing that all day, but now that I had another person to talk to instead of just my dog, I was itching to voice my thoughts.

Collin, Jax, and Nadia were the only people that knew about the breakup. Telling my family had been put on the back-burner because truthfully, I was terrified to do it.

Sutton was just a younger version of our mother, who I knew wouldn't take the news lightly. On top of Sutton being a particularly dramatic person, her wedding on the horizon made this a whole lot worse. As if that wasn't enough, the fact that I was going home tomorrow to spend Christmas with them made me wish I was dead. Or at least just unconscious.

I knew I wasn't going to last the few days we'd be together for the holiday, pretending like everything was normal and keeping the news of my breakup at arm's length. I knew it wouldn't work.

Gus always said I was the worst secret keeper, and he wasn't wrong.

With haste, I turned to Collin and spewed out the first thing that came to my mind.

"I have to tell Sutton," I blurted, "I have to tell everyone."

He pursed his lips, mulling over what I said. Given his razor-sharp wit, I figured he knew exactly what I was talking about without overtly saying it.

"But what if it's not permanent?" He arched an eyebrow, being subtly optimistic.

"But what if it is?" I countered. Collin's mouth flattened into a thin line and he peered down at my dog between us. I sighed raggedly, pulling my legs in so I was sitting on them and fully facing Collin now. "I don't fucking want to, but I have to tell Sutton because of her wedding."

"You think he's gonna bail?" He questioned as his face scrunched in incredulity.

"Maybe. I think so. Actually, since his parents were coming too, he might not. I really don't know," I struggled to give one clear answer, twisting around a lone cluster of hair sticking out from my bun.

"It'd be such late notice. Everyone's rooms are situated and paid for already. I'd think it'd be more of a hassle to cancel then to just go to the wedding, you know?" He rationalized the situation and unfortunately, he made a good point.

I was too busy chewing on the inside of my cheek to answer right away. "True," I mumbled. "I still need to tell her. I'm not gonna be able to get through Christmas without coming clean about it. My mom will wonder where he is, how we're doing, and I can't lie to her."

"No offense, but I think when they see you, they'll know something is up," he said, grimacing as he gave me a once-over.

"Shut up," I chuckled, shoving his shoulder back.

He crookedly smiled and shook his head. "You'll be fine. Sutton's just going to freak the fuck out at first, but you should get out of it alive."

Scrubbing my hands over my face in agony, I groaned, "Shit."

"Well if you need me to gather your remains afterwards, let me know," he said, partly joking but mostly serious since we both knew how Sutton was.

"I'm so glad you're coming to the wedding. I need at least one sane person there because between my family and Gus, I'm gonna lose what's left of my mind," I said as I put my elbow on the back of the sofa and propped my head up with my fist.

Collin winced before he uttered, "I don't want to say that he'll come, but I have a feeling he will. He can be a real asshole, but I don't think he'd skip your sister's wedding. He wouldn't do that to her, or you."

"I know," I sighed, nodding my head because it was so true, I couldn't argue. "Either he's gonna come and I'll have to just deal with it, or he's not gonna come and the fucking head count and table settings or some shit will be off, and it's gonna be a big thing that'll be all my fault. I just gotta pick my poison, I guess."

"Have you talked to him at all today?" He asked cautiously.

I shook my head, then faltered. "Well, once actually. He just keeps asking if we can meet up or talk, saying he'll do whatever he can to fix things, and I told him to leave me alone. It's just... too much. I need my space from him. I need to like, clear my head of him so I can reevaluate us."

"I get it," Collin agreed with a short nod.

Interrupting us, my phone vibrated where I tossed it on the coffee table. Once, twice, three times, and so on. I assumed it was Gus calling me for the nth time of the day, but something in my gut told me I should answer.

I was relieved when I snatched it off the table and didn't see his name, but quickly became anxious that it was my mother.

"Why is my mom calling me?" I whined in a childish outburst.

"Maybe she sensed you were talking about her," Collin chuckled.

Despite the burning desire to climb up to the roof and catapult my phone into the river, I swiped to accept the call. With zero expression, I greeted her, "Hi."

"Hi honey!" My mom cheered in my ear, forcing me to nudge the volume down with my finger. "How are you?"

"Fine."

"Okay, that's good," she said slowly. "Your Monday's been okay so far?"

"Yeah."

"Perfect. That's good to hear."

My eyebrows furrowed at how she was stalling. She never called me just to chat. There was always a reason, a question, an ordinance. My mother wasn't the type to sit around and bullshit. She was a get-it-done-yesterday kind of person. It was how she'd gotten the reputation as one of the most efficient real estate agents at her office, and why her clients loved her so much. It was also how she survived raising me and my siblings.

"Mom, stop being weird. What's going on?" I asked, already fed up with this phone call and it had barely been one minute.

Her breathing crackled on her end of the line. "Okay, ah– just a quick change of plans. Sutton wants us to try on our dresses this weekend since you'll be home for Christmas."

"Of course she does," I muttered, but my mom chose to ignore it.

"It'll be the last fitting before the wedding, which means you can take your dress back home with you," she further explained. "Our appointment is for Friday at noon. It'll be us and the rest of the bridal party. We'll make a whole day out of it; brunch and whatnot. Is that okay with you?"

"It has to be," I said monotonously. My vote didn't matter anyway.

"Great!" She chirped. "Can't wait to see you tomorrow!"

"Oh, same here!" I mimicked her tone with a phony smile.

There was a tentative knock at the door, so as I finished up my call with my mom, Collin hopped up to see who it was. He sauntered across the living room and disappeared behind the wall serving as a barrier from the front door, but a second later I saw him reappear in the archway, backing away from the door with wary steps and widened eyes aimed at me.

My mom was babbling in my ear, but the two words that came out of Collin's mouth silenced everything around me.

"It's Gus."

I blinked, then gulped.

"Mom, I gotta go. See you tomorrow," I spat.

Start panicking. Now.

Without any further instruction for Collin and having the sudden urge to vomit, I threw my phone down on the sofa, unsure if I even actually hung up or if my mom was still on the line, and dashed towards the back of the house to hide in the kitchen.

It wasn't that big of a place. It was an oval. Straight from the front door was a long, narrow corridor that led to the kitchen. Before the kitchen was the small dining room, and before that was the living room.

There weren't many places for me to take cover, unless I ran upstairs. Since I was already in the kitchen and the muscles in my legs had gone numb, I figured it'd be best to stay here. As long as I avoided being seen from the other end of the hallway, I'd be safe.

I never told Gus where I was going when I left him, but he knew me better than I knew myself. Collin's place was the best and only guess.

"What do you want me to do?" I heard Collin whisper in distress.

"I don't know!" I snapped in a similar, hushed tone.

He grumbled something to himself about being too good of a person, then the creaky door opened. The sound triggered Ziggy, who I was holding back before I scampered out of the living room, and his nails clicked along the wood floors as he approached the door.

I cupped both my hands over my mouth and held my breath. Ziggy yapped once.

"Hey." Collin was the first to speak, sounding genuinely untroubled to see Gus on his doorstep.

"Hey, Collin," Gus shakily said, but I could still tell he was trying to smile. "And Zig."

I hadn't heard his voice or seen his face in a week, but even from thirty feet away, I could picture him perfectly. His posture, his expression, his demeanor.

I took one hand off my mouth to hold myself up on the counter and started breathing like I'd just run a marathon, but I may as well have because sprinting from the living room to the kitchen was the most exercise I'd done in a while. I heard the jingling of Ziggy's collar, and a part of me hoped that meant Gus was petting him.

"Sorry to drop by unannounced like this," Gus laughed a little. It was his nervous laugh, the one that was a natural reaction whenever he felt uncomfortable. He could never help it. "I uh..." He paused for a moment. "S-she's been staying with you, right?"

"Yeah," Collin answered in a rasp.

"Is she here?" Gus' voice was feeble like he was ashamed to ask the question. Or afraid to know the answer.

Collin lied, ever the astute man who was always quick on the draw.

"Nah, man. I'm sorry. Think she ran out to do some last-minute Christmas shopping."

There was a lull in their conversation, which made me think Gus was nodding.

"Okay," he said, then he sputtered as he laughed uneasily again. "Even if she was home, I don't think she'd wanna talk to me."

Collin sighed, "Just give her some time, alright? She might come around. I know it sucks, but you guys need this."

Another moment of silence. Outside, a car alarm went off nine times total in groups of three sharp screeches. I was holding my breath again and I didn't even notice it.

For a second, I thought Gus left, until he cleared his throat.

"Will you tell her I stopped by?"

My heart cracked.

Fuck.

"I will," Collin confirmed.

"Thanks," Gus said lowly, "I'll see you around. Bye Ziggy."

After another quick jangle of Ziggy's collar, the door shut. I heard Collin and Ziggy's footsteps as they made their way down the hallway and entered the kitchen. My back was to them, clutching the edge of the counter top with both hands, my body slouched over the sink.

Collin didn't say anything. I let go of the counter and spun around, my eyes landing on the faded graphic in the center of his mint green crew-neck sweatshirt. Advanced Welding, it said, with a cartoon welder underneath of it and a phone number.

"I guess you heard–" he started to say.

I took three steps to meet him in the middle of the room and he caught me in a tight embrace. That was my silent way of thanking him; for everything.

〰️〰️〰️

"Are you fucking serious?"

"Sutton, please," my mom condemned my sister's choice of words with a roll of her eyes.

"No, Mom. This is horrible," Sutton snarled, turning to glance up at our mom who stood beside the armchair that Sutton was perched in.

"Thanks for being so understanding," I sarcastically mumbled as I crossed my arms.

My mom frowned at me, clenching the back of Sutton's chair with one hand. "Honey, we are. It's just... the timing is... not the best," she stumbled over her words, though I appreciated her being the most considerate of the two. "This seems like it was out of nowhere. I mean, was this a long time coming? What brought this on?"

"It just got to be too much. I needed a break," I gave her a vague answer with a shrug.

As expected, my mother and Sutton simultaneously blew a gasket over the news that I broke up with Gus. The minute I arrived at my parents' house on the morning of Christmas Eve, they knew something was wrong. My unkempt appearance and the fact that Collin dropped me off, not Gus, made their suspicions arise.

The first thing out of Sutton's mouth was her asking me when the last time I washed my hair was. My mom, who appeared to be a little more concerned for my well-being, asked if I had been sleeping at all. They took my things from me, brought me into the living room, and sat me down on the couch to talk about what was wrong. My mother decided to stand, while Sutton grabbed a stubby, beige accent chair and swung it around to face me.

I didn't waste any time and came right out with it, hence Sutton's compassionate remark.

"So is this just a break or are you actually done forever?" Sutton inquired, eyebrows drawn together as she scooted to the edge of her seat. I saw right through her prying and I knew she wasn't the least bit consoling with her questions.

"I don't know," I enunciated each word with clear aggravation.

She huffed and pressed her fingers into her temples. Apparently, we had the same habit of doing that when we were worked up.

"So, it was a random blow up then. You could potentially work things out," my mom said in an attempt to look on the bright side, always the voice of reason.