my body crashes into his warmth and his cheeks squish into my shoulder.

i jump up and his soft, delicate hands wrap under my thighs; carrying me.

god, i love my boyfriend. can you tell?

he pulls his head from resting on my shoulder to look up at me, giving me a quick kiss.

"wow, you really do love me huh?" he chuckled.

"your fur coat is warm and my bare legs are cold from waiting outside on the porch . i just needed your warmth. what took you so long?"

i roll my eyes at his peckish state for approval, although i relate... every five seconds i want to cuddle him. he ignores my question.

-

"those black knee high socks and sweater look good on you. you have shorts under, right?" his fingers work steadily and efficiently on the knife, mincing the carrots for dinner.

"yes of course i do. i'd be stupid going out-" i turn to him. we both know that i've gone out in the coldest weather with only a baggy t shirt and underwear. his little squirrel legs ran out of the back door to pick me up and take me back inside.

he didn't put me back inside, he threw me onto the couch and jokingly yelled at me for thinking it wasn't cold. it of course ended with me pulling him onto the couch and kissing me.

i love him.

i sat on the dining couch next to him, watching him eat what he requested every five texts from the car.

i rest my head on my hand and think. his cheeks are so puffy when he eats, that's frickin adorable.

i come to my conclusion and focus on the small plate in front of me.

"your father is a squirrel. end of story."

right, food.

i hate it. i feel so guilty eating it all of the time. restricting makes me skinnier, and skinnier is prettier.

my lip trembles and my stomach quakes from the lack of food.

my brain stirs with equations and lost google searches of how much calories does? does this make me fat? is this bad for the body? what are the best weight loss foods?

i'm sick of it. i never asked for it. i never asked for 3am binges. i never asked for three days restrictions. i asked to be myself. to be happy. and that's all i want.

i swing my legs lightly, brushing them against the cold, wooden floor.

jisung has known about this for the longest i can remember. he's the first one i opened up to about my problem.

that's another lovely thing about jisung. he's so open and vulnerable, and that is beautiful. he is constantly comfortable, and i can tell him everything, even before i was dating him.

i want to be that person to someone else someday.

"you're beautiful, you're gorgeous. you won't gain weight from one small meal. and even if you did, i and everyone else will love you still. you deserve to eat. for me, okay? don't worry about anything, you're with me." he uses the same voice whenever he comforts me, the same angelic voice that he could sing me to sleep. i feel comforted by him with this voice, or ever really.

in a more serious tone he says to me before he stuffs his cheeks again,

"calories don't count with me."

his fork finds its way it my mouth, and before i know it i'm chewing away without counting up the calorie consequences.

🥺

💕💗💗

this is just me typing to stop it from being 666 words tyvm