"Remember when you taught me fate,

Said it'd all be worth the wait?

Always hoping things would change,

But we went right back to your games.

And even if I run away,

Give my heart a holiday,

Still strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you..."

— "Strawberries and Cigarettes" // Troye Sivan

ɤɤɤɤɤɤɤɤ

Abir

This has always been a battle, it doesn't matter if either of us considered each other as our enemies but the fight was there and it still is.

The saddest part is neither of us wants harm. Our circle starts with objecting to our hearts and ends nowhere. It's always Mishti choosing everything except me and me not choosing anything but Mishti. It's always Mishti walking her own way and me running after her until she stops for a moment and then leaves, again. Again and again. There's no end.

And right now, I'm running again. Although it'll again end up nowhere, I'm running after Mishti.

"Bloody Hell Mish, you're smoking again."

I hear Nishant reaching out to her but as expected she won't give a damn. But from the last fifteen minutes of running after her, one piece of new information that I get is Mishti Agarwal smokes. Of course there's nothing to be judgemental about except the fact that she managed to hide this from me for seven months now. God only knows what else I didn't know about her when I used to believe that I could read and see through her just a few weeks ago. In all matters of logic I'm supposed to sit in my office and talk to my clients and help them overcome their problems. And here I am, running hopelessly after someone who won't give two shits about me, like a fool teenager mad in love.

The only difference is I know this will end up ruining me and I'm doing this with all my consciousness.

"Abir Rajvansh, how dare you follow me?"

I suddenly hear Mishti walking towards me and she's burning with anger, I bet. But then I too know what I'm doing except why I'm swearing too much these days.

"What do you think I'm doing Mishti? I'm running after you, calling your name and you don't bother to look at me. What else do you think I'm doing? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why don't you just stop for a while and listen?"

"I DON'T NEED YOU ABIR. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE."

"YOU NEED ME MISHTI AGARWAL, YOU FUCKING NEED ME." I don't know what's gotten into me but I know this is the moment. All of a sudden I can feel a blood rush inside me and everything that always stopped me from screaming my heart out loud has suddenly vanished. I may not even know why I'm doing it but I know I need to.

"You walked away like I'm nothing. You made me feel like I was never enough. You didn't give a damn and went on your path. What do you expect me to do, Mishti? To sit there and keep blaming myself for the mistake I don't even know I made? Do you really think it's easy for me to see you like this? Do you really expect me to leave you, to forget you and move on like nothing ever happened? Because It bothers me every damn second, Mishti. I run away from my thoughts all day all night but I always keep coming back to one Godforsaken question - Why? Why would you do that? Why would you not come back? Why would you not trust me ever? Do you even know how torturous it is? Do you have any fucking idea, Mishti Agarwal, how difficlut it is to try to save you, to help you even though it hurts like hell? Do you realize that? I love you Goddammit. I thought you leaving me would destroy my feelings just like it destroyed my heart. Only if it could have happened. I love you with everything I have and I'm now losing myself because I love you. I don't even know when I became such an asshole to get bothered with someone who left me like I'm a loser but guess what, you did this to me. Now I'm running after you, I'm hurting my head trying to protect you, trying to help you in finding a way to get what you want and I know I won't have anything in the end. But here I am. Do you ever --"

I didn't know what I was rambling before I could feel Mishti's lips on mine. It was so sudden and so fierce that I was stumbling until she cupped my face and I gave in. I can clearly feel this is her way of telling me to shut up and I'm weak enough to give in. I can feel her soft but warm lips on mine and it's a moment like that of those stories or movies, the moment where time stops, the earth freezes and heart stops beating. It's electrifying, it's passionate but it's tiring every bit of my body. We're stumbling but somehow we manage not to fall.

It's like we'll never fall.

It's like she wants to make me feel the fire inside her and I can feel it. With every second, she is deepening the kiss, just like that she's getting all over me. I can feel everything - the hurt, pain, anger, agony - everything except love. Like she's burning me here. I can taste the pink flavour of her lips and it's mixed with the taste of the smoke. It's making me dizzy but I can't let go.

"I love you Mishti. I really do."

I whisper under my breath but she's heard it. She stops for a second and I see a little smile on her lips.

She doesn't say it back.

That's how it has always been. She doesn't say. She won't ever say anything.

So I kissed her back. As softly as I can, because if she's planning to burn us in the fire I'll become water. It's taking everything out of me only to burn me in the end. But at least she'll cool down. If either of us has to survive, it has to be her. But when she is kissing me I know she doesn't mean it. Here she's asking me to stop and probably this is the moment she has conveyed that I'm not allowed to interfere anymore. And this is the moment when I know I've given up on myself, this is the moment when I've chosen her well-being over myself, when I've decided to jump in the fire to save her.

This is the moment when Mishti pulled away and chose to leave me, once again.

"I'll never forget you, Abir, but don't come after me." She said and walked away, without looking back at me.

I couldn't speak anymore.

~~~

Mishti

Each word Abir spoke was like a dagger to my heart. I know his actions are justified, I know he's right and I know there's nothing I can do about it.

It was me who took a decision on behalf of both of us and I'm not someone to keep dwelling over it again and again. Maybe Abir is stronger than me in every way, but this is one thing where I know I can outdo him - he follows his heart even though it breaks and I don't really care about my heart. But breaking him still feels like a punishment I chose for myself.

And I can do nothing about it, there's no reason Abir should involve himself in this fight. He has already suffered enough, he has done too much.

I have no answers to Abir's questions. I know he deserves an explanation but I also know that it'll do no good. As much as I don't want to drag him in these fights of my life he's making it difficult for me to keep going. If I stand here for long I know he'll take his answers out of me and that's the last thing I want to do. But he's too close to me. It's been ages since I felt him so near and suddenly I can't hear what he's saying. All I can do is to stare at his honey-like orbs and feel his hot breath washing all my worries. I know I'm not thinking straight and for once I'm choosing the desires of my heart.

I kissed him.

His lips are kind of rough but there's a certain sweetness to it. Amidst the taste of the smoke, I can feel that sweet feeling. If I shut down all my senses, this feeling is something I'll never be able to forget. I can feel his body stiffened, he's not moving, I know there's a fire inside me and it'll hurt him. That's why I need to stay away.

Suddenly I feel his eyelashes on my skin. Abir has closed his eyes, like it's a beautiful dream and if he moves it'll break. My mind laughs at the thought - how can one escape reality? This short-lived dream is bound to break, after all.

I don't want to drag you in this Abir, please don't hate me for this. I want to say but I can't.

"I love you Mishti. I really do." He says.

Am I thinking loud enough for him to hear?

I don't deserve it Abir, you should move on. You deserve to be loved. But I can't say that either.

I know I'm being selfish, this looks like a foolish decision but I've no choice. I can't include him in my life when I don't know myself what the future looks like. It's always difficult to leave Abir or reject his warmth but I know there's something else that's calling me right now. Maybe I'm the heartless one here but I've my own reasons and they're strong enough for me to not stop.

A few minutes ago I was reading a letter, a letter by my dead mother. A letter that screams pain, betrayal, hatred and pleads, the last pleading of a dying mother who saw her daughter walking towards hell, the daughter who didn't give a damn to anyone and chose the hell for herself. Till now my mom's death was a cause of immense pain but now it's boiling my blood. I can feel the urge inside me to avenge her death as soon as possible.

What else do you expect? What else do you expect from a ruined daughter whose mother was tortured to death? What else do you expect from a damaged daughter who turned her mom down to an extent that she couldn't even speak in person to her - that the mother had to write a letter to speak her heart to her daughter and that wasn't even delivered? How can you expect sanity and goodness from a girl whose whole life was fucked up, who still doesn't know who she is? My whole existence has been a joke, every truth I believed turned out to be lies, facts I trusted with my heart were just a facade on the deepest dirty secrets.

So how do I believe anything now? How do I feel the goodness around me?

Maybe Abir is the sunshine to my dark sky, maybe he's the light at the end of the tunnel. But the darkness is too deep to be taken out of me completely. I suddenly feel his movement and his lips on mine. Its so tender like he's saving me. As he softly kisses me back, his lips assuring me that everything will be good, I know this is the moment when I stop him. Even if Abir is willing to be the good to my bad, I know I'm already drowning and pulling Abir with me is the last thing I'd want to do.

Abir deserves better and what I'm going to do today will lower my standards even more.

Abir is like a daydream, it's beautiful and warm but when reality strikes, the dream breaks like glass and if you're not careful, the broken pieces will pierce the life out of you. I can't afford to get attached to a mirage. And he's infectious.

"I'll never forget you, Abir, but don't come after me." I say. Somehow I know he won't follow me this time but somewhere in my heart, this is the moment when I wish he will come after me.

But I cannot trust my heart.

~~~

Nishant

I just can't believe Mish did this again. How can she leave Abir like this?

I don't even know when I was dragging Abir with me in the opposite direction. I've seen this man heartbroken again and again in the last few days and although I don't have any personal attachment to him, it's pathetic to see his state. I know he won't admit it but this way, he is definitely gonna die.

"Only if it was that easy, Nishant. Especially now that she has given me a taste, I know I'll be searching for her wherever I go. At least I've a little hope, if it's meant to be crushed then let it be."

I look at Abir, he sounds weak but there's a determination in his voice. I know he has made up his mind and I cannot do anything about it.

"Calm down, Nishant. You should be consoling me and here I'm trying to calm you."

Abir said in a teasing voice leaving me in surprise. What is this man even? How can he never let his emotions show in his face?

Oh, he's a psychologist after all. But that doesn't make him less of a human!

"That's not funny Abir. What are you doing? To yourself, especially. And you know that this is not your fight or whatever. Mishti needs to learn how to behave."

"Once bitten twice shy?" Abir said with a stupid smile.

"Are you fucking mad or what?"

"I love her Nishant and I know she too feels the same. Okay I wasn't sure after she left me that day but now I know that. She wants me to stay away because she thinks she's saving me from the mess, she's silly. She thinks I will stop loving her if she keeps walking away. But --"

"But she doesn't want you, she's not even sorry about this whole drama."

"Maybe, maybe one day she'll call me and tell me that she's sorry. But do I even want that? The thing is she's afraid to get attached maybe? Or maybe to admit that she wants me too. Whatever it is, it's my responsibility to help her."

"No Abir --"

"And as a psychologist it's my duty to help anyone who is struggling in life."

This time Abir's voice is firm and I know I've no say over it. I don't how long it will take to clear all this mess but it was true that Mishti actually needs help. She really needs to treat herself better after all that she has gone through. With each passing day it was clearer that Mishti needs to be healed before she collapses totally. And I hate to admit that I was also a part of this destruction.

But Abir - he's hurting himself for no reason.

"You're destroying yourself Abir."

"I can't step back even when my brain is screaming at me to do so. I can't let her go even if staying here is gonna kill me. I might run away at this moment, but my heart will again bring me back to her." Abir smiles weekly, "And my heart is the only thing that makes me keep going; I cannot lose it, can I?"

I've always heard about people romanticizing pain and heartbreak, about people who cross oceans and mountains for love. I've heard of people who die just for the sake of love. And I used to laugh wondering how one can go crazy after something that logically doesn't even make sense until I met Rehan and then Abir Rajvansh.

Lately I'm realizing the power love holds. True are the poems singing glory of the heart. Love is something we've never heard enough no matter how many love stories we read. Strange are the ways of love. We never realize its depth until we drown ourselves. And somewhere I know Abir Rajvansh is going to find his way to Mishti. Because when a heart calls, the other heart is bound to listen, even if it takes some time.

"I'll find her." Abir says.

I know he will.

***********