"And it's alright,

Calling out for somebody to hold tonight;

When you're lost, I'll find a way, and I'll be your light.

You will never feel like you're alone,

I'll make this feel like home."

— "Home" // One Direction

ɤɤɤɤɤɤɤɤ

It's crazy how one single person has shifted Abir's whole world from North to South.

Everything was going smoothly and suddenly Abir was introduced to Mishti Agarwal, who knew she'd become the center of his whole world in no time? Here she is, flipping his life upside down yet she's the one still holding his sanity, the one holding his heart.

And he doesn't regret the many downturns they took and will be taking. It has always been the push and pull relationship between him and Mishti and now it's too late to turn around.

Abir still feels shivers down his spine when he recalls the night. It was not even night, it was 3 a.m. and only God knows how he picked up the call because there has hardly been a time when something can wake Abir Rajvansh up from his sleep. But maybe that's how fate planned it.

He still feels scared thinking what could have happened had he not reached Mishti's place in like fifteen minutes. Now he even thinks what if he died in an accident on his way because man, he has never driven at such a surreal speed. What if he didn't have the spare keys of the flat?

The more he thinks of it, the scarier it gets. He can't even escape these thoughts as Mishti's nightmares are not rising and so is Abir's horror. To be honest, he knew something like this would happen. But the impact was greater than he expected.

It's again nearly 2 a.m. in the night and Abir is holding a terrified Mishti again. Since she has moved in with Abir, days pass in a blink of the eye and nights have been mercilessly long with Mishti's continuous night terrors and outbursts. It aches him to see Mishti like this; she looks so terrified, so broken and all his attempts to help her seem worthless. She won't talk about it but her eyes plead for help. She doesn't say anything but Abir knows.

At nights when she'll call for Abir and he murmurs soothing words to her, when she holds his hands tight to gasp for breath, in her therapy sessions when she looks for Abir, he knows.

After continuously saying how she doesn't deserve to be loved and she doesn't want to live, when they sit in silence and she still doesn't let his hand go, he knows.

He knows she needs him and it doesn't matter if she says it or not.

Abir still recalls that night when he first took Mishti to his home and she didn't object. The next day when he asked her to stay with him, she didn't object. It was awkward at first, but things did fall into place. Mishti needed help, it was never a good idea for her to stay alone. And she chose to live with Abir instead of going to her father's place.

The nights when Abir runs to comfort Mishti his heart winces as he sees her sitting down with her back leant against the wall, her head between her knees, her body shaking with sobs yet she somehow responds to Abir's touch; those are the moments when Abir knows he has to do it. No matter what the end looks like, he can't let go of Mishti. She needs him as much as he needs her.

====

"It'll be alright Mishti. You're safe, we're safe. No one is saying anything to you. It's fine."

"I don't deserve them Abir, I don't deserve them. I don't deserve you. Why are you here? You'll leave me too once you get to know me. I'm bad. Please don't leave, please."

"I'm not leaving Mishti, see I'm here. Right here. I'm never leaving you. It's alright."

She doesn't say anything but holds Abir tight like her life depends on it.

====

"Why are you doing this Abir? Why don't you say what you've to say?"

"What? Mishti, what are you saying?"

"Don't act, Abir. You know what I mean. I've hurt you, why are you acting all nice to me? What do you want?"

"Calm down Mishti.. We can.."

"No, give me my fucking answer. What do you want to prove? That 'see, I'm helping this fucked up girl who leaves me every now and then yet I gotta help her'? Why do you do this Abir?"

"Now Mishti, listen to me okay?"

"You listen to me, just stop with your kindness. You know I don't deserve it, I know I don't deserve it. So why?"

"How can you be so sure that you don't deserve it?"

"Because I know, I fucking know this."

Mishti storms out of the room the way she stormed in. And Abir only watches.

====

"I see blood everywhere you know, I can't sleep at night. It's all so bloody. Mom, I see her. She's crying. She needs help Abir."

"But you did help her Mishti. She's happy, she's proud of you. She's at peace now. You won over your demons, didn't you?"

"Yeah, yeah. Yash- Yash Singhaniya! He died. He died, I killed him. I shot you. I'm a criminal."

"No no Mishti, you're not. You didn't kill anyone."

"I did. I know. I had a gun. I shot. It's so bloody."

"Look at me Mishti, look at me. It's alright. We're safe. See we're safe."

She's trembling but as Abir gently kisses her hair, she relaxes a little. She's still sobbing but she manages to speak.

"Keep me safe."

====

"Abir, would you mind if I prepare breakfast today?"

"What? Yeah, of course. You're most welcome. Why would I mind a little more sleep?"

"I'm sorry Abir, I'm being a trouble to you, I know. And --"

"And I don't mind taking care of you. Okay?"

"Okay."

====

"Abir, Yash Sinhaniya got what he deserved, right?"

"Right."

"But Mrs. Singhaniya? She'll be suffering because of me."

"Maybe she's suffering, but not because of you."

"But --"

"Listen to me first. She herself decided to stand against her husband. She said she was tired of being a silent spectator of all his misdeeds. So I'm sure she doesn't blame you for anything. And look at the good thing, she is staying with Nishant now. At least one of us will be getting their mother's love. I mean --"

"Yes, that's right. I got our point."

"Mishti, are you alright?"

"Yes, but don't ask me to mend things with my father now."

"Okay."

====

"Abir.. Abir..."

"Mishti, Mishti, I'm here. What's wrong? Calm down, Mishti..."

"I didn't kill mom, I didn't. I didn't even know. I didn't..."

"No, you didn't. You can never harm anyone. You did nothing wrong. Calm down Mishti."

"But she said, she said I could have made it stop. I could have --"

"Look at me Mishti, everything's fine."

"I could have done better. I was wrong."

"No you're good enough. Mishti please.."

"I got to get better. I got to."

"Mishti, it's alright. Mishti.."

"I gotta get better. I want to be a better person. Can I?"

"Yes, yes Mishti. You're better. Just give it some time okay? Everything will be better."

"No, I gotta get better. I do."

====

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?"

"The symptoms say so."

"It's not too severe though."

"Hence, the sooner you treat her the better. At least it won't get serious."

"Are you sure you want me to see her? After all, you're an expert Mr. Rajvansh."

"I know Dr. Chavan and I trust you in this."

"Mr. Rajvansh.."

"She's a dear friend. I just want to remain her friend, not her therapist. And most importantly she needs a friend."

===

"How did the session go today?"

"Well, good, I guess? It was pretty basic."

"Yeah of course. First few sessions are only to make one comfortable and get to know the clients."

"Abir?"

"Yes?"

"Do you hate me now?"

"What? Why?"

"You referred me to Dr. Chavan. You're a psychologist too, you could have become my therapist. I understand you might hate me now. Thanks for everything, I already owe you a lot. I've already packed my bags, I'll leave tomorrow. I'm sorry Abir."

"No Mishti, that's not because I hate you. Oh God! Why do you overthink things? I- Oh God!"

"It's okay Abir."

"No Mishti. Listen, it's my profession, I am a psychologist. But you're not a professional liability to me. First, it's better if you don't mix up your personal life with your profession. And anyways, I'm always here to talk to you as a friend. And I don't think you'd have felt comfortable to discuss things with me just yet."

"Or is it because you're uncomfortable around me?"

"Mishti, okay. Just listen to me okay. You're someone I'm emotionally involved with. There's no way I can totally reject my feelings, my emotions and act like a professional with you. No, maybe I can do that but I don't want to. You need your space Mishti, you need to sort out yourself this time and that doesn't need my help. Because I know, somewhere I'm also one of the reasons you feel vulnerable. Are you getting me Mishti?"

"So you want me to leave your life, don't you?"

"For God's sake Mishti, at least try to understand. This is for you. It hurts me to see you waking up to night terrors, it hurts to see you in pain, so afraid, feeling guilty of something you're not even at fault. It pains me, that's why I want you to go to therapy. You said you want to get better."

"But I thought you'll be my therapist."

"Oh Mishti! I've my professional boundaries. It'll be unethical for me to treat you when I- I'm already in love with you. Don't you know that?"

Silence.

"I- I'm sorry Abir. I really --"

"Mishti, it'll benefit both of us if you go to see Dr. Chavan. Get better Mishti, gather yourself, be the strong woman you really are. You don't need me in this. This is not your fight, this is your time to heal. I want to be your... your friend, not your psychologist. Alright? And anyways, you don't need me in this, at least not now."

"Abir.."

"And I'll always wait for you, if you ever want to come back."

====

"What the hell is wrong with this doctor?"

"What happened, Mishti?" Abir chuckles.

"Don't you laugh at my misery Abir. I'm going to see him only for you."

"And I'm thankful for that. But tell me, what's wrong?"

"Like he has the same questions every time. 'How do you feel about this Mishti?' 'Why do you think so?' 'Do you want to share this?' 'What do you think made you react that way?' blah blah blah. If I knew the answer I wouldn't have gone to him, would I?"

Abir laughs.

"Stop it, you Abir Rajvansh."

"No, Miss Agarwal. You see that's the whole point of therapy. He's not gonna find your answers for you. He's just here to guide you to help you find your answers."

"Yeah whatever."

"Now come on, dinner is ready."

"I thought it was my turn today? To make dinner."

"Yes it was. But a free day for you, you're working hard. You deserve it." Abir says while serving the food.

"I don't deserve you Abir." Mishti mutters.

====

"It's not easy for me Abir, to see you being all nice and act like nothing ever happened."

"I'm not acting Mishti, it's just you need some time and I'll wait."

"You're doing this because you feel sorry for me, don't you? I don't need this, I don't need your sympathy. I don't need your favour."

"Are you mad Mishti? Why on the earth should I feel sorry for you?"

"You know what I mean Abir."

"No you don't. I was not planning to say anything because I know what I'm going to get as a response. You'll either run away or shut down on me. I don't want that. Is it too much to ask for?"

Silence.

"I've no reasons to do you any favour, you're not a damsel in distress for me to sympathise. In fact, you're the one who fought for not only your mom but also for my father. I'm the one to be eternally grateful here. Know that it was you who cleared my father's name from all charges even though I gave up on it long ago. YOU are the reason Baba is in peace today. Don't you dare act like you're a pathetic mess, because you're not. You're way stronger and honestly you're the one who has done my family a favour, if I say so."

"And you're returning the favour?"

"Damn you Mishti, out of everything you get that part only? What I feel for you is beyond sorry, favour, sympathy or words like that. I love you, even when you push me away, I fucking love you. Is that a robot science you don't understand?"

Silence.

====

"Sometimes I wish I could be like you. You can handle things so well whereas I only mess up."

"No you don't. And you're the best the way you are. And you've no idea Mishti, how much you inspire me?"

"Me? Really?"

"Of course you do. You're like an epitome of bravery and courage and I admire you in every way. Always remember that, no one can ever be like you."

"Abir, how can you always be so sure about things?"

"Am I? I've many insecurities, you don't even know." Abir chuckles.

"Really? That's something new. Still I'll have to ask you to be sure of things."

"I don't need to tell you anything Mishti. When it's the right time and the right thing, you'll know this in your heart. This heart never lies and it needs no one's approval."

Mishti wonders if that's true.

====

"He can't love me. He has no reasons."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes doctor. I've been hurting him all along. It's like there are thousands of reasons for him to not love him."

"Or are you trying to give him reasons to not love you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think you're willingly pushing him away?"

"He'll push me away one day."

"But he hasn't yet."

"One day he will."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know. That's what everyone does. Once he gets to know I'm just hopeless he will ask me to leave."

"You sound too confident."

"I know he will do that. Everyone does that. I did that."

"Did you?"

"Yes, everyone does that."

"Forget about others, let's talk about you. Why do you do that?"

"Because they were just too toxic to handle."

"So is Abir toxic?"

"What? No, he can never be. Never."

"But you don't want to keep him, do you?"

"I said HE will leave me one day."

"Why?"

"Because I'm the hopeless one here. I'm toxic, I kept hurting him yet he loves me. I push him to his limits yet he's too nice. How? How can he even be real? I don't even deserve this. I'm not someone to love."

"Why do you keep running away from him?"

"Isn't it better if I leave him before he realises someday that I'm bad for him and choose to leave me? If I leave, at least I'll know that it's my fault and I'm not someone to be loved. So it's better that way."

"Why do you think you're not good enough to be loved?"

"Because I know. All my life I've seen that."

"What have you seen?"

"That I'm not good enough to be loved. I know that. I hurt people, I'm reckless. I disappoint people. Everyone I loved eventually left me. I can't be loved. I know that."

"How do you know that?"

"What? I just know it."

"Again, how do you just know it?"

"Because-- because that's what I do?"

"Everyone does things for some reason Mishti. If you know something and you do something, there must be a reason behind it. What's your reason? Why do you think you do it? What makes you act this way? In fact, why do you believe that you're bound to act this way even though it's wrong?"

"Because-- I don't know. I-- I was always told that I'm like this only. They said I'm not good enough to deserve love. They said --"

"And these other people made you believe that you're not good enough."

"Yea-- yeah. I felt it's right that way."

"That doesn't mean YOU are really like that. Maybe you're judging yourself by what you think others think about it."

Silence.

"Think about it, Mishti. See you tomorrow."

====

"Abir?"

"Yes?"

"I don't have anything to offer you. You've no reasons to love me."

"Maybe because I'm an idiot?"

"Okay."

"Mishti?"

"Yes?"

"Just stay in my life, will you? Just by being in my life you give me reasons to wake up everyday."

"Abir --"

"Maybe I won't ever be able to explain how much this means to me but Mishti, will you please give yourself a chance? We'll be alright, I promise."

====

"Baba often said if I wanted to be like him I needed to forget my heart. My mom used to tell me to not listen to what others think about you. And I had those ex-boyfriends, they said I was not someone to be loved. And I-- I kinda liked that? Does it sound pathetic? Because Baba said strong people don't care and things like that. And they I don't deserve to be cared for. And-- And we're on good terms now, but Nishnat and I did and said some pretty nasty things to each other. Then Abir came along, he's like too kind, too nice. And I wonder how he can be so perfect! That's scary! I've done pretty wrong things and how can he love me this way! Isn't that overwhelming?"

"Mishti, sometimes when we go through some traumatic events or even many eventful things in life, when we're surrounded by people who say that we're not good enough, unconsciously we start to believe in them. Think about it, is it YOU who believes that you don't deserve love or those people who made you believe so? Do you fear if things go wrong and your heart might break and that's why you feel it's better not to try? Are you so scared that you choose to run away?"

"I do feel afraid-- sometimes-- what if it goes wrong?"

"We don't know what will happen in the future. But we can just try, and decide if it's worth the risk. Sometimes things go the other way, we don't regret some mistakes. This is your choice in the end."

"Maybe I can take a chance?"

"If you are willing to."

"Yeah. Maybe I'm not bad enough. Abir thinks I deserve to be loved, even Nishant says so. They can't be all wrong, can they?"

"Have you talked to Abir about it?"

"Not yet. He says I'm not ready to have that talk."

"So now are you ready to believe in yourself?"

And maybe, just maybe there's a chance to get better, Mishti thinks.

*********