maybe if I played the memories of us over and over again you'd still be here. you'd kiss my neck like you always did and I'd bask in the glory of it not knowing how much loving you was going to hurt me.

i don't know if I want you to come back or if I wish you'd never left, because maybe if you'd come back I'd know you didn't stay for you.

i'd know I was enough to make you stay.

but the tears in my eyes and that one broken vase and your coat that's been missing since the day I last saw you. the heart that beats half as strong as it did because it knows it wasn't needed to survive, when all I needed was you and all you wanted was anything but me.

i don't miss your perfect laugh or dashing smile or soft lips,

i miss your messy bed hair, your bad jokes, the way your eyes squinted at the wind and the shitty burnt toast I always begged you to make.

i don't know if I was the only one who fought for us to last, but you left and I stayed and that was me holding on to the last thing that kept me alive, even when it didn't want to be held.