He's everywhere. Haunting me. Following me like a stupid ghost. I go to the library- he's there. Common room- he's there. Staircase- he's freaking there. Why? Why can't he just leave me alone? I don't want to talk to him. I have nothing to say. I have nothing left. No energy to give him.

My Oliver reserve is depleted, empty, drained. I thought time was supposed to heal all. I thought that space and distance and distraction were going to help me forget and move on. It's all lies. Nothing is helping.

Nothing.

I can sense when he's around. I can feel it in my bones. His presence. He's here. Somewhere in the dining hall. I know it. I grip my fork tighter, digging it into the plate of whatever the hell we're eating today, spaghetti I think? Or was that last week? I don't know anymore. Everything is jumbled. Hours, days, weeks. Just one giant mess.

A mess.

God, I hate messes.

"Kenny?" Max waves her hand in front of my face. "Hello? Are you having a stroke?"

"What?" I ask, flicking my gaze up and scanning the faces of my friends. "Oh, umm, yeah, totally."

Felicity blinks. "Did you even hear what she asked?"

"Kenny, girl," Leon sighs, tilting his head. "You need to get over that piece of shit, okay? This whole sad girl Billie Eilish vibe was cute for a minute but it's time to hop on the Prozac train and join us back in Happyland, okay?"

I sigh, forcing a smile. "I'm fine, just tired."

Felicity rolls her eyes. "Babe, you've been wearing black for weeks now, it's like you're in mourning. Clearly, you're not fine."

"It's the school uniform, Fel," I say lifelessly. "Kinda not my decision."

"Yeah, okay Wednesday Addams," Felicity tuts, pushing her empty plate to the side. "Whatever you say." She lowers her voice as she turns to Leon. "Didn't know uniforms were mandatory on weekends too."

"Fel, enough," Max chimes in, giving me a gentle side-eye. "Don't be a dick to Ken, she's trying. Right?"

"Mhmm," I hum, taking a sip of water. "Sure am."

Felicity lets out a grumble as she and Leon stand up. "Let's go before she sucks our life force." She looks down at Maxine. "Do something, Max. She can't sulk forever."

Max glowers at Felicity. "You're not really helping, you know that right?"

Felicity sucks in a sharp breath as she stares at me. "I'm sorry if I'm being a little harsh, it's just that we miss the old you."

"We just want our friend back," Leon adds. "We miss you, Kenny. The real you, not this-" He waves his hand around. "Watered-down version you've become."

"It's just a breakup, Ken," Fel says. "It's not the end of the world. You barely even knew the guy."

"Yeah, you're right," I say, standing up. She is right. I didn't know him. Clearly, I didn't. I don't know anything. Not anymore. "I have to go meet with Mrs. Patella before class. I'll see you guys later."

Max calls my name but I'm already heading towards the doors. I just need to stick to my schedule. Wake up. Run. Study. Class. Volunteer. Study. Sleep. That's all I can do. Structure. Structure is said to be beneficial in times of uncertainty. And I'm uncertain...about everything.

"Kennedy, please talk to me. Stop, please."

He's always around. Always. Like a fucking ghost.

"No." I close my eyes, picking up my pace as I walk down the hallway.

"Kennedy!" His footsteps get louder, faster, more urgent. "Stop!" For the first time in weeks, I feel his hand on my arm. His touch is gentle, pleading, and it makes my head spin. "Please, just talk to me." I spin around, meeting his glossy eyes. "Please."

"What do you want, Oliver?" I ask, pulling away from him and hugging myself. Protecting myself. Making sure my shields are strong, sturdy, bulletproof. I need protection against his words, his declarations. Him. "Well?"

"I'm sorry," he says, flitting his gaze across my face. He looks tired. More tired than me. If that's even possible. "I am so sorry, Kennedy, I truly am."

"You said that already, many times," I note. "Anything else?"

He sighs. "You're never going to forgive me, are you?"

"I forgive you," I say matter-of-factly. "You're forgiven. Can I go now?"

Oliver shakes his head. "What can I do, Ken? What can I say to make you believe me? I never meant to hurt you, I-"

"But you did," I say, swallowing. "And you can't undo that."

"I know," he whispers. "But I promise you, if you give me one more chance, I will never make you feel like this again. Please, Kennedy. Give me one more chance. I'm-" He pauses, looking away. "I've been working on some things. Things I- I needed to fix about myself, about how I...deal with-"

"That's good, I'm glad you're uh- figuring stuff out," I cut him off. Bulletproof. I am bulletproof. I am. I have to be. I'm one degree away from a total shutdown. I can't handle more heartache. More drama. More anything. "But that doesn't change anything. I can't trust you, Oliver. Not anymore."

"And that's valid," he breathes, jaw locking. "But trust can be earned back. I will earn it back, believe me."

"Just let it go, Oliver," I whisper. "It's done. Whatever we had, it's over, okay? Plus, it's not like we had anything in the first place, right?"

"Wrong. We had everything," he says immediately, tone unwavering. "We just didn't have a label."

My eyes harden. "And yet you still kissed someone else. What does that tell you?"

He winces as if experiencing actual pain. "That I am not perfect, that I make mistakes, that I'm not-"

"I never needed you to be perfect, Ollie," I say. "I just needed you to be real."

"I am real," he states. "I'm real and you're real and what we feel for each other is real. It's real Kennedy, it's more real than anything I've ever felt. Ever." He pauses, adding softly, "Maybe you need to be real, maybe you need to be honest with yourself. Because I know you, and the words coming out of your mouth are not yours, they're not the real you. They're laced with fear. I can hear it...can't you?"

My nose tickles as my eyes begin to water. "Fear is a natural reaction to danger, Oliver," I state, digging my nails into my palms. "It's a way for our bodies and minds to communicate when survival is at stake. So if I'm scared, or I sound fearful to you, it's because my intuition is telling me that I'm in danger, and I would be a fucking idiot not to listen to that instinct." I take a deep breath. "I think this conversation is over now, yeah? I'm late."

"Kennedy, just-" Oliver reaches for my arm again as I turn around.

"Maybe it's time to cut your losses, Knight," Sawyer's voice slices the charged air. "Doesn't seem like she wants to talk to you anymore."

Oliver drops my hand, spinning towards Sawyer. "This hasn't got anything to do with you, Redford."

I close my eyes, my head starting to pound. Drama. Always. It's exhausting.

"Well, since KC is one of my oldest friends, and I care about her," Sawyer says, strutting over and giving me a concerned once-over. "I think it does have to do with me. You good?"

"I'm fine," I say, irritation flaring. "Just trying to get to the homeroom."

"I'll walk you," Sawyer offers, tossing daggers at Oliver. "Heading that way too."

"Whatever," I mutter. A wave of total defeat washes over me when I hear the clicking of heels in the distance.

Oh, my God. I can't do this.

"Hey, babe," Corrine chirps suspiciously as she joins the semicircle from hell. She crosses her arms, surveying all our exhausted expressions. "What's going on here?" She pouts at me. "Hosting Kenny a little pity party?" She glances at Oliver. "Shame on you for breaking her sweet little heart, bad bad boy." She taps her finger against her lips. "But at least we know she has one, so I guess there's an upside."

In the corner of my eye, I see Oliver ball up his fists. I'm doing the same.

"Corrine, stop," Sawyer says tersely. "Why do you do that?"

"Do what, babe?" she asks, leaning on his shoulder. Sawyer moves away. "What? I was just kidding. God, you're so sensitive." Sawyer doesn't say a word which makes Corrine add with a fake smile. "Sorry, okay? Just trying to lighten the mood or whatever. I'm not the one who cheated on Kenny."

"Corrine!" Sawyer snaps. "What the fuck?"

Corrine scoffs. "Oh, I'm sorry, am I wrong?" She looks at Oliver. "You did cheat on Kennedy, didn't you? I don't know why I'm the bad guy here. I didn't do anything."

Oliver stays silent. Like me. Again. There are no words. There is nothing to say. I should leave but I'm frozen, stuck between three people who, at one point, were lights in my life. And now, all three of them are reminders that light never lasts. It gets dark eventually. Always. Like clockwork.

"I made a mistake," Oliver finally says, looking only at me. "The worst mistake of my life."

"Ugh, so dramatic," Corrine yawns, tugging on Sawyer's arm. "Let's skip next period, I need to buy a dress for Lemar's party next weekend."

"Can't," Sawyer says, shrugging her off. "Got a presentation."

"But I need a ride," Corrine whines. "Please?"

"Here-" Sawyer reaches into his pocket and hands her his car keys. "All yours."

"But-"

"I'll see you after school," Sawyer says, casting her a tight-lipped smile. "Kay?"

Corrine frowns, taking the keys begrudgingly. "Yeah, okay, fine." She glances at Oliver. "You coming to the party? Should be a fun one." She winks at him. "Open bar this time."

"House parties aren't my thing," Oliver says with shrug. "Plus, I'm not drinking these days."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Really?"

He nods. "Really."

"Oh," I hum. I didn't expect that. "Good."

Corrine rolls her eyes. "God, this school is full of losers." She blows Sawyer a kiss. "I'm bored now. Bye, babe."

"Let's get you to homeroom," Sawyer says once Corrine is out of sight. His hand hovers against my lower back as he glances back at Oliver, adding, "Later, Knight." I don't look back. I won't look back. Only forward. "You doing okay, KC?"

"I'm so tired of people asking me how I'm doing," I murmur.

"Oh, it must be so hard to have people who care about you," Sawyer teases, letting out a soft laugh. "But seriously, you good? I'm here if you ever need to talk, you know that right?"

"I know," I say as we turn the corner. "I know."

"Why don't you come to Lemar's party? Blow off some steam?" Sawyer suggests. "Could be good for you. Have some fun, you know?"

"Last time I was at Lemar's I fell into the pool because I ate your weed cookies," I remind him, a slight smile forming on my face. "Does that sound like fun to you?"

"That sounds like the definition of fun!" Sawyer exclaims.

I roll my eyes. "Right."

"Don't worry, this time I'll make sure you're kept a solid distance away from the edibles," Sawyer says. "Coolers only, I promise."

"You tryna get me drunk?" I joke. "You think that'll make me more fun?"

"You don't need anything to be fun," Sawyer says as we stop in from of Mrs. Patella's classroom. "Just be you."

I force a smile. "I'll think about it."

"All I ask."

Just be you.

That's hard to do when I have no idea who I am.

____________________

The dynamic between these four is so fun to write haha

THOUGHTS? PREDICTIONS?