Never have I felt so uneasy in my own house. Doomness started to grasp me completely. When I looked down from the corridor, people were busy with preparations. Bondita was sitting in a beautiful saree surrounded by women giggling around her. She looked up, at me and her eyes remained fixed at me as if saying so many things with her eyes. I forced a smile at her and turned away to rub off my tears.

I rushed into my washroom. Perhaps a bath would freshen up my mind. But then also nothing changed. I remained in the bathtub for a long time and gripped its brim harder, in anger, in pain. I looked up and gasped when continuous tears flowed down my eyes.

Today is her engagement...I can't stay here because the more I stay here the more I will be affected. To ignore this day completely I decided to spend this day away from here. As I was rushing outside, I bumped into Sampoorna.

"Arrey Anirudh Babu kahi jaa rahe hain ap?"

"Ha kaam hain" I tried to leave but she stopped me, "kam hain ya bhag rahe hain?"

I glared at her.

"Waise thik hi hain, Bondita ko khushi to milni chahiye, jo ap na de paye wo apka bhai dega" she said while putting the clothes on the rope.

"Kya nehi de paya?"

She stood in front of me, "patni ka darja". My blood boiled hearing this. "Shatir hain Bondita bohot, pati se nehi mila to devar ko pakar liya, matlab ghar k saare mardo ko..."

Before she could complete her sentence I shouted at her, "Sampoorna! Tum ek aurat ho isiliye chup hu warna..." Saying this I left the place.

They dressed me up in a gorgeous pink saree along with heavy jewellery. While Koyli Didi was tying the flowers in my hair, I looked at my reflection.

"Ho gaya, abh mein chalti hu" saying this she left and as soon as she left I burst into tears which I was controlling. I rested my head on the edge of the bed and cried my heart out.

I am tired, tired of crying par abh ansu o ki adat dal ni paregi. My feet were not ready to go down but I forced them like I was forcing myself. They made me sit beside Batuk and he gave me a comforting smile. I looked at the door as I wanted Pati babu to come, I wanted him to watch engagement.

"Arey Angoothi lao" said Kaka merrily and the rings were brought. "Bondita hath agey kar" Sampoorna didi held my hand but my hands were stiff. "Agey kar hath" she repeated and forcefully held my hand. My eyes were fixed at the door.

I meet my school friends after a long time and talking to friends helps us forget tension and stress. I meet Rajeev in the market and so he urged me to go to his house. His wife served us snacks. We were recalling our childhood while Rajeev poured a bit of drink in his glass and offered me but I denied it. "Arrey thora sa pile," he insisted but I denied again.

"Janta hain Anirudh" he held the glass, "ye chiz na dawai hain gham ki, har dukh dard ko bhulne ki takat deti hain".

When I heard this one line, I almost snatched the glass from his hand and drank it in one go.

Yes, I need this. I need strength to accept everything. But I took him too seriously and drank too much. Rajeev warned me not to drink so much but I was desperate to forget the pain.

Batuk was about to put the ring but in the meantime, a man entered. Pati babu was almost senseless and stood with his support.

"Pati babu!" I ran towards him. He was not in his senses, almost fainted and stood with the support of a man.

"Dada ko kya huya?" Batuk and I both stopped exchanging rings.

I held him and he leaned over me with all his body weight.

"Anirudh ko kya ho gaya? Anirudh" kaka panicked as well.

He was smelling like alcohol which I was unable to bear but the strange thing is he is not drunkard. He never acted like this. He does drink but occasionally.

I could feel warmth so I touched his forehead, he was burning in fever, "inhe to bukhar hain!"

Baba checked him, "nehi, zyada piney k wajase shareer ki tapman bar gaya hain".

"Mein upar le jati hu unhe"

"Nehi!" Shouted kaka, "Bihari le jayga".

"Par..." I cried.

"Bondita apne moh maya ko tyagna sikho. Anirudh k prati tumhare bhavna o ko tyagna parhega tumhe" he said on a serious note.

"Nehi Kaka sasurji" I cried more, "bas unhe dekh k a jaungi". Sampoorna didi held my hand, "pehele sagai".

Bhari kaka took him to his room.

Then I don't know what happened. My body was there but my heart was with him so I really do not know what happened. When I got into senses engagement was already done. Kaka blessed both of us. I looked down and teardrops landed on my hands

Nobody allowed me to go to him for at least once.

I kept on murmuring her name in my subconscious state but she never came. Kaka came and sat beside me to pat my head. "Bondita" I murmured her name.

"Hum ne mana kiya hain ussey ane se abh Bondita k bina hi Anirudh ko jeena hoga".

His words hit me hard once again. Enough! I was unable to control myself, hugged kaka and broke into tears. I cried like a child but couldn't say why was I crying.

New morning new day but an old story.

I went to the terrace when everyone was there. A border was drawn. On one side they were applying haldi to Bondita and on the other side to Batuk. I looked at her face which had no expressions, no emotions. She sat there like a statue. Everyone laughed and giggled except her. I left the place immediately and entered into my study and took out an old paper from my drawer,

"Mere hone wale pati" I read and chuckled with teary eyes, "maa bari hain ya reet".

I lost all courage to read further and sat on the floor crying and sobbing.

"Good morning"

I looked up and found two other Anirudhs, one in barristry robes other in a white tennis uniform waving his hands.

One of them smiled and said, "ye patra wali ladki mujhe miljay to mein iska hath aise thamunga taki aisi hi ye duniya k samne sharte rakhti jay aur tark se fark mitati jay...kisne kaha tha?" He turned to the other Anirudh.

"Ummmm shayad"

"Humne" I spoke out.

"Humne nehi tumne" they said together, "ek anjan ladki jissey dekha tak nehi us patra wali ladki se itna lagav kaise ho gaya tumhe?" They questioned me.

"Barrister babu ap ko kahi pyar to...waise bhulo maat tumhe hi karna hain us patra wali ladki ka shringar"

"Nehi" he crossed his legs and dugged his face, vigorously nodding his head, unable to accept the truth. The realization had hit him hard this time. "Ha Barrister Babu ha" said his conscience, whom he was imagining. "Nehi nehi nehi" he banged his head to his knees, "nehi".

"Ha Barrister Babu Ha" said his conscience, one dressed in barrister robes other dressed in tennis attire.

"Kitne ziddi ho tum Anirudh, abh man bhi lo" they laughed hysterically at him and started Chattering in front of him. He held his palms to his ears and shouted his lungs out, "Chup chup chup! Chup ho jao".

"Hum chup ho jayenge to sach badal jayga kya?" said his conscience in tennis attire.

"Nehi nehi nehi!"

"Acccha Barrister Babu zaara apne ankho par hath rakhna" said his conscience. He felt tears in his hands.

He looked at his tears as if he had never seen them before, "nehi" he murmured softly.

"Haaa" the two consciences said together and laughed. "Ha ;ha; ha".

"Ha" shouted Anirudh on top of his voice in the most wild and ferocious way.

"Kya kaha tumne dobara kehna?" said his conscience.

He covered his mouth as if he said something wrong.

"Kya kaha tumne?" They repeated the question.

"Ha, pyar...hogaya" he choked, "pyar ho gaya hain mujhe" he was unable to believe in himself. Ghust of emotions jittered in his mind. He crossed his legs again and cried his heart out, "pyar karne laga hu mein par kaise huya ye?" His words became unclear and mixed up due to sobbing.

The papers were kept on the table consisting of both their signatures. There were lights everywhere except the study and in his life that remained dark and gloomy and echoed with the voice of his crying.

He picked up the bottle of alcohol and finished it in one go. After finishing, he kept it aside and took a deep breath.

They say sadness is behind anger, yet anger never comes unless in direct self-defence, and so perhaps he can credit this natural passivity with his willingness to cry and feel pain, to let the sorrow teach him more about his true nature and how fragile he is.

He, without thinking twice held another bottle and drank it in one go, in one breath. Not that he had never drunk alcohol, he did, occasionally but there is a huge difference to drink in order to celebrate joy and drinking in order to forget pain.

When you cannot control your heart to weep, you drink to control your body not to portray that weeping heart through tears in front of others.

It was his tears that kept his soul alive in the furnace of this pain. They cannot extinguish what has been, yet only carry him forward until a time comes when that searing pain is distant enough to forget more than remembering, and maybe one day erase itself from his brain.

God knows how much that poor girl cried all these days, to what extent her heart was broken which had already turned into dust. Anirudh killed her little by little each day but today he was crying her tears, he was dying her death.

"Mujhse ye nehi hoga!" He shouted at himself on top of his voice, banging his fist to the floor

It is said the realization of true love is the most beautiful thing ever but for him, it turned into a nightmare. He was regretting but he knew he cannot do it now, the damage is done.

Shakespeare said:

"Once done cannot be undone." - Macbeth

Anirudh looked up and was shocked to see no one was there. "Kaha gye tum dono" He shouted and then in rage he threw the glass bottle hard on the floor and held a piece of it Tightly.

The glass piece caused his hand to bleed but he couldn't feel the pain because it was nothing compared to what he was going through.

They slowly poured water on me, washing away the haldi from my face.

After that, for the last time, I went to his room and thank god he was not present. I took out one shirt from his cupboard and wrapped it around myself, to feel him for the last time.

I was acting weird and I know that. I smelled his shirt, lay on his bed for a long time. I lied there lifeless, with my head hanging from the edge of the bed and my long hair touched the look.

I kept on staring at the ceiling with my eyes wide open. 9 hours more, then everything will end forever.

Somebody came inside, sat beside me and placed my head on his lap. This movement got me into my senses and made me realise it was none other than my kaka sasur ji. I tried to sit but he said, "leti raho" and placed my head, which was hanging from the edge, on his lap. He gently rubbed his hand on my forehead, "pyar khoya hain, apne ap ko kabhi maat khona".

Bondita got up from the mandap and walked towards me. I forced a smile, "congratulations". She stood there in front of me for some time then placed a slap on my face in front of everyone.

Nobody spoke further. She held my collar in anger, "ap dhokebaaz ho!nafart karti hu mein apse" soon her rage turned into tears. She pulled my collar causing me to tear my shirt, pressed her forehead to my shoulder and cried.

Batuk came and consoled her and she burst into tears," maine tumse ek vaada kiya tha na Bondita wo mein nibhaunga' said Batuk and patted her head. I stood there, her gunhegaar with teary eyes. I know she will never forgive me.