"VIVIENNE?"

CLAIRE'S QUESTIONING voice came from behind me, and I spared her a glance over my shoulder.

I was still outside, feeling safer out here where it was quiet, more secluded. Apart from the couple giggling across the yard, I was alone, cross-legged on the lawn, my dress fanning over my thighs as I picked at blades of grass, watching them float away with my breath.

I hadn't cried—hadn't felt like I had the right to. Instead, I'd forced my mind to go blank in a futile attempt to forget what I'd just witnessed, even though it was already burned into my brain.

Claire delicately padded across the grass and took a seat beside me. When I looked at her again, her mahogany face was clouded in concern.

"Are you okay?" she asked quietly. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

I considered making up some lame excuse for my disappearance, but I trusted Claire, and I didn't have the energy to come up with anything other than the truth. Even if I couldn't tell her all of it.

"I saw Will," I confessed, my voice low, wavering on the name I'd tried to speak as little as possible, noting the way her features pulled together in sympathy. "But it's fine. I'm fine."

"Oh my God. I'm so sorry, Vivienne," Claire apologized, sincerity coloring her tone. "I didn't even think about him when I asked you to come here. I'm an idiot."

"No, you're not, Claire," I disagreed. "I can't avoid him forever, we'll be going to the same school again, for God's sake. This is just how it's going to be."

"I'm still sorry," she murmured.

I worked to appear unaffected. "So, he's got a girlfriend now?"

"Girlfriend?" she questioned incredulously.

Frowning, I gestured over my shoulder with my thumb, back toward the house. "He was with a girl. They seemed. . . close."

"Wow, that must be new," she mused, awe evident in her words. "He definitely wasn't seeing anyone at the end of the school year. Nobody thought he'd ever get over—" she stopped abruptly, meeting my eyes. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know. I wouldn't have brought you here."

"Like I said, it's fine. I'm just going to have to deal with it."

The silence between us extended, and I could tell she was measuring out her words, seeing which would be the least offensive. "Nobody even knows what happened between you two," she observed slowly, testing the waters. "Suddenly, you were jetting off to Tokyo, and he was acting like you didn't exist. Or trying to, anyway. He wasn't very convincing. Everyone knew something was up."

I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to block out all memories of the very thing that ruined me, that broke my soul to the point of being nearly irreparable, and keep my focus on Claire. "It's all in the past," I told her firmly. "It doesn't matter anymore. This is a new beginning for me."

The words new beginning felt laughable as I spoke them aloud, because how could I possibly start over here when my demons were roaming the streets?

After much coaxing, Claire finally convinced me to rejoin the rest of the party, insisting that introducing me to her friends would take my mind off everything. I followed her back inside, my shoulders tense, keeping my eyes away from the kitchen, though I assumed Will, and the mysterious girl, were no longer occupying that spot. It made everything all the worse; he could show up at any time.

Swallowing, I ran my palms down the skirt of my dress, trying to smooth it out. If he could act like this wasn't affecting him, so could I.

Claire's friends were nice enough, and I shared whatever entertaining traveling stories I could think of, doing my best to listen as they told me what their first year classes were like. But I wasn't able to rid myself of the rigid tension that had built up in my body. Seeing him for the first time after a year of silence—much less seeing him with someone else—had caught me way off guard, and I hadn't had time to get my emotions in check. I wouldn't let that happen again.

After a while of chatting, I began to grow restless, and I excused myself to go get the drink I had failed to obtain before. Squeezing myself through the throngs of people, I made my way to the kitchen. I mixed myself a rum and coke, leaning against the counter as I took the first sip, closing my eyes. I'd never been that big on alcohol, but there were times I could definitely understand its appeal.

I felt the pound of the music in my rib cage, the buzz of the chatter around me. If I tried hard enough, I could pretend I was somewhere else entirely, far, far away. An izakaya on one of Tokyo's many side streets, maybe. Somewhere warm, friendly, and foreign. Until I heard a set of footsteps come to a halt next to me.

"People told me you were here, but I don't think I believed it until now."

My eyes popped open.

The man of the hour, and perpetual party host stood tall beneath the overhead lighting, seemingly unsure what to think of the sight of his best friend's ex-girlfriend standing in his kitchen. He was wearing a backwards ball cap over his cropped, curly, black hair, and the brown tone of his skin looked rich after months spent in the summer sun.

I raised my eyebrows, lifting my drink in a mock-toast. "Well, here I am. Unfortunately." Muttering the last word into my cup, I took another long swig.

Duncan scoffed, shaking his head. But he reached for the bottle of rum to make his own drink, and I side-stepped out of the way. "I guess that explains why Tucker was so quick to leave."

I felt myself freeze, my cup halfway to my mouth, lips parting as my stomach sank down to the soles of my shoes. "He left?" I asked quietly. It should have been a relief, but it felt like a slap in the face instead.

He gave me a guarded look out of the corner of his eye. I understood why; he was Will's best friend, there was no reason for him to be on my side. We were only friends by association. "Are you really surprised?" he questioned harshly, and I bit the inside of my lip, looking down under the weight of his scrutiny. "Look, I don't know what happened between you guys, but, seeing as you're both acting like complete strangers now, it must've been brutal."

I continued to stare at the tiled floor, focusing on the droplets of spilled beer. Inwardly, I was shocked to learn that Will had neglected to divulge the truth to the person he trusted most.

When he realized I wasn't going to respond, he continued, voice a little softer. "Come on, Vivienne. I like you. I liked you guys together. But did you really think showing up at his best friend's party after fucking off for an entire year was a good idea? That doesn't seem fair."

"I know," I murmured honestly, the burning sensation of oncoming tears pressing at the back of my eyes.

Duncan appeared to be conflicted, shifting his weight from foot to foot, as though he actually wasn't sure whether to side with Will or me, after all. It must've been hard to choose without even knowing the battle.

"Does it even matter, though?" I asked. "He's clearly seeing someone, anyway. Seems like he's doing just fine."

He grimaced, taking a sip of his own drink. After a long pause, he shook his head. "I know Tucker. Trust me, it matters."

We shared a long, heavy gaze, before I cleared my throat, glancing away. I took one last drink, then set my cup down on the counter. Finally, I nodded.

"You're right, Duncan," I said. "I shouldn't have come. If you see Claire, tell her I came down with something."

I slid past him, wanting to leave before I ended up revealing we'd all be going to the same school this fall.

"Viv, hold on—"

I maneuvered through the house until I reached the front door, gratefully pushing it open and stepping out into the late summer air.

I didn't know why I thought it would make a difference to leave; Will was already gone. But Duncan's cool reception reminded me that maybe Cape Vincent had moved on without me, and didn't want me back, the same way I wasn't sure if I wanted to be here. A year was a long time. My friends had plenty of time to replace me, continuing on in their trajectory with full-force, while everyone I'd met in the past twelve or so months was on the other side of the world.

No wonder Duncan was so on edge. After ignoring them all, I'd suddenly appeared out of nowhere to disrupt their peaceful existences, and stir up drama.

I kept my arms around myself as I trudged down the sidewalk, a large part of me wondering if it was too late to drop out. Going to CVU had made sense when I applied, but if this was how it was going to be all year, I didn't want it. I was a fool to think things could have some semblance of normality.

This was no new beginning, this was one of my recurring nightmares.

Closing the door behind me with a quiet click, I sighed, feeling exhausted. Duncan Fitzgerald and I were not neighbors by any means, and walking home had taken more energy out of me than I anticipated.

As I slipped out of my shoes, I heard the jingle of Murphy's collar, and the padding of his paws as he came down the hallway to greet me. Moments later, he appeared, licking at my ankles excitedly, and I reached down to pet him, thankful for some comfort after the way the night had gone. I sank to the floor in front of the door, giving him a belly rub once he flopped over onto his back, a soft chuckle escaping me at the sight of his pink tongue sticking out of his mouth.

"I'm glad someone's happy to see me," I whispered, though I knew I was being melodramatic. Claire had been happy to see me. Naomi, too. They were the only reasons I hadn't already emailed the dean and asked for a transfer.

I saw something move out of the corner of my eye, and I glanced up quickly, seeing my grandfather standing at the end of the hallway in his slippers, holding a book in his weathered hands. I instantly straightened up, rising to my feet. Murphy flipped over when he realized my attention had shifted.

"Pop," I said, doing little to hide the surprise in my voice. "I didn't think anyone would be awake."

My dad's father had moved in with us seven years ago, when I was fifteen, after my grandma passed away. It had taken a lot to convince him, as he was extremely stubborn, and didn't want to be a burden, but my mom was stubborn, too. It was nice having him around all the time, and I would've hated to see him living somewhere all by himself.

"I wanted to make sure you got home safe," he told me, a kind smile gracing his wrinkled features. I was grateful I'd left the party early after all.

"You didn't have to do that," I scolded affectionately, giving him a look. "I managed to navigate the other side of the world just fine, and you should be asleep. But thank you, I appreciate it."

I crossed the room, patting his weathered cheek gently. "How was your party?" he asked, and my smile started to fade away.

"I'll tell you about it in the morning. Get some rest."

"Fine," he relented, turning to walk back down the hallway. "Sweet dreams, honey bee."

"Goodnight, Pop."

With a sigh, I headed to my own bedroom, Murphy following close behind. My phone buzzed in the pocket of my sundress, and I sat on my bed, pulling it out to check the new message that would undoubtedly be from Claire.

You left :( Duncan told me you got sick. Is that true?

I leaned back against my pillows, running a hand through my curls as I stared at the screen. Despite how much I wanted to turn my phone off and bury myself under the covers, Claire didn't deserve to be ignored.

Yeah... Gonna try to sleep it off. Sorry I didn't catch you before I went home. I'll see you soon.

Using my last burst of energy, I pushed myself back off the bed and started stripping out of my clothes, pulling out a pair of pajamas. As I began to get ready, I couldn't shake the thought that Will was probably off somewhere with that girl from the party, while I was on my own, consumed with thoughts of everything we used to be.

┅

song: baby's arms - kurt vile

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