OCTOBER 17, 2016 - 1 YEAR AFTER

I SLID MY bag over my shoulder, pulling on my favorite pair of sneakers in the front entrance, while Murphy watched me, whining slightly.

He was never all that thrilled to watch me leave for school in the mornings, but I thought he'd be used to it by now. Crouching down, I reached out to scratch his neck, lips curling into a small smile. "I'd stay home if I could," I murmured truthfully.

Anxiety bubbled in my belly at the thought of making the ever-familiar trudge to the Photoshop lab. I'd done a lot of thinking over the last week, since Will's soccer game. The moment he'd spotted me among the bleachers was permanently etched into my brain. The way he'd looked comforted by my presence was doing dangerous things to the boundaries I'd so carefully crafted for myself—it was giving me hope. All of it was causing old memories to resurface, thinking back to the first time I'd ever gone to one of his games, and all the games I'd attended since.

He shouldn't have been looking for me. I definitely wasn't his girlfriend, and I hadn't been for a long time. Sabrina was supposed to be the one he wanted to see. And it wasn't fair for me to believe anything else.

Giving Murphy one last affectionate pat on the head, I rose to my feet, making for the door.

"Vivi," my mom's voice came suddenly, and she materialized from the kitchen, holding out my water bottle. "You forgot this."

"Oh," I took it from her, "thanks."

As I tucked it into my bag, she hovered, fidgeting with her fingers, and I watched her out of the corner of my eye, knowing there was more she wanted to say.

"How are you feeling?" she asked after a pause, and I stilled at the question.

When I didn't answer right away, she spoke again, her words sounding rushed. "You haven't said that much about how school is going," she continued. "I just wanted to know if you're doing okay."

My stomach twisted at her sincere tone, and I blinked to keep my eyes from welling. I placed my hand on the doorknob. The urge to leave the house was suddenly intense, and I couldn't wait to get to Mugs to see Naomi and Ravi. "I'm doing alright," I told her.

She pursed her lips, eyebrows furrowing, seeming displeased with this answer. "Are you sure?" she asked timidly. "After everything that happened last year, it must be hard to see Will. . ."

The speed of my blinking increased. "I'm coping."

"Okay," she said finally, accepting that I didn't want to say more. "I'm here if you ever want to talk about anything, I hope you know that."

I bit the inside of my lip, feeling a swell of emotion in my chest. "I do," I replied. "Thank you."

Her expression melted in understanding, and she reached forward to pat my cheek gently. "I love you, Vivi," she murmured.

My mouth curved into a genuine smile, warmth enveloping my shoulders. "I love you, too."

After saying our goodbyes, I left the house, feeling a little better. It was a reminder that despite the emotional turmoil of all I was going through, I still had my family behind me. That wouldn't change.

When I arrived on campus, gliding into a parking spot, I killed the engine, taking a deep breath. I reached for my bag, preparing to head to Mugs to catch up with my friends. It was definitely my favorite part of Monday mornings, the one thing that brought me solace on a day where everything else felt unsteady.

But as soon as I stepped out of my car and onto the pavement, everything was thrown off course.

I hadn't actually seen Sabrina since she was carted away in a cab a few weeks ago, trying to mask her broken heart. It was somewhat jarring to see her on the sidewalk now, her hair tossed into a haphazard bun, a hint of shadow beneath her brown eyes, face pulled into a frown as she scrambled to pick up the books she'd just dropped.

Feeling a bout of nerves in my chest, I headed in her direction. When I got closer, I spotted a pencil case a short distance away with Nunez scrawled in black sharpie. Pursing my lips, I delicately plucked it from the ground, holding it out to her as she gathered the rest of her things.

It took her a second to notice, but when she did, she froze. Her eyes darted to the object curled in my fingers, then to my face.

"Hey," I greeted, my voice soft.

She took the pencil case slowly, rising to her feet and giving me a small smile as she adjusted the strap of her backpack. "Hey," she returned. "Thank you."

"I've been wanting to talk to you," I admitted, fidgeting with the hem of my sweater as fallen leaves scraped across the sidewalk.

Sabrina cocked her head to the side curiously.

I took a deep breath. "I really am sorry about what happened." At that, I could tell a guard went up, but it was almost imperceptible. My eyebrows furrowed. "And I just want you to know that it's never been my intention to deceive you, or try to interfere with your relationship or anything like that. I would never, ever, do anything to—"

She reached out, placing a hand on my arm to bring my rambling to a halt, laughing lightly. "I know," she told me firmly, her eyebrows tipping upward. My shoulders relaxed. "I never had any doubts about that."

I gave her a fleeting smile, dropping my eyes. "I just wanted to make sure. . ."

"No hard feelings," she reassured me, giving my arm a squeeze. "For real."

I met her gaze again. I was tempted to ask how she was doing, but in all honesty, she looked exhausted. Despite her words, guilt roiled around in my stomach. However, I couldn't stop myself from asking the same thing I'd asked Will last week. "Are you guys okay?"

"We've been doing a lot of talking," she explained, after a pause. "Trying to understand each other. I think we're making progress."

Even though I'd asked the question, I wasn't sure what kind of answer I was hoping for. I mustered an encouraging smile onto my face. "That sounds promising."

She returned the smile, though it seemed more sympathetic. "I really appreciate how cool you've been about everything," she said. "This situation could've been a whole lot different if you weren't. So, thanks."

"Oh." I waved off the compliment, feeling uncomfortable. She didn't know how much I was struggling internally. "It's nothing."

Sabrina adjusted the strap of her back again, clutching her things tighter to her chest. "I mean it," she reiterated. "I should get going though, I'm supposed to be tutoring someone in biology." She rolled her eyes amicably. "I'll see you around?"

"Sure."

With that, she headed in the direction of the science building, and I pulled out my phone. There was no time to stop at Mugs now, and I wasn't sure I felt like it anymore, anyway. As I walked to the computer lab, my conscience felt like a heavy stone weighing on my chest.

When I entered the room, I hesitated. Will was already seated in his usual spot, the space next to him empty, waiting for me. He hadn't noticed my entrance, busily working on his computer, and I felt my stomach twist. I took a slow step in his direction, before thinking better of it, heading to the opposite side of the room.

There was an open seat next to a girl I'd at least said hi to on multiple occasions. She had Photoshop open already, seeming to be engrossed in her project. I leaned down, waving timidly to catch her attention, and she glanced up in surprise.

"Is it alright if I sit here?" I asked, trying to keep my voice down.

She blinked. "Oh, yeah, sure." She smiled, moving her things over, and I gratefully slid into the chair, setting down my bag.

As I unpacked my things, I glanced at her screen again, feeling the need to make conversation, so it would appear that I actually had a purpose in switching seats over a month into the semester. "That looks so cool," I said appreciatively. "Would you be able to show me how to do a double exposure like that?"

"Definitely." I was relieved I'd chosen to sit next to someone kind. "It's actually not as hard as it looks. . ."

She began to explain the process, and I half-listened, trying to ignore my heart beating rapidly in my chest. Swallowing, I glanced over my shoulder.

It only took a second for Will's eyes to find mine.

He looked confused and contemplative, his eyebrows furrowed, and my heart constricted. The hurt on his face was clear. But the moment was fleeting, and it wasn't long before I dropped my eyes, as someone took the place beside him, and I assumed it was the person who regularly claimed my current seat.

I faced the computer screens again, a lump forming in my throat.

It wasn't my intention to hurt his feelings, but I knew it was time for me to stop being in the way.

After class, I didn't make it very far into the hallway before timid fingers touched my shoulder.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Vivienne."

Slowly, I turned around, finding Will standing behind me, his face still twisted into a frown, though he made an attempt to give me the barest of smiles. "Hey," he greeted, voice wavering with uncertainty.

"I really need to get going," I stammered, gesturing in the direction of the library. "I have a lot of work to do."

Again, I only made it a few steps before he hand encircled my arm gently, releasing me once I stopped walking. "Hey, hold on a second," he protested, laughing hesitantly. "Is something wrong?"

I hugged my bag to my chest, shaking my head and refusing to look at him as I lied. "No, I just need to finish this assignment before my next class."

Risking a glance in his direction, I saw that his lips were pursed, his eyes darting over my face. "Did I do something to upset you?" He paused, seeming a little embarrassed as he reached up to scratch the back of his neck. "I guess I'm just wondering what made you decide to switch seats all of a sudden."

My stomach fluttered with a mix of guilt, and something akin to hope. I was quick to tamp it down. Biting my lip, I felt my eyebrows furrow. I hadn't anticipated he would feel strongly enough to confront me about it. I remained silent as people filtered around us, and his gaze was riveted to mine, refusing to falter. Finally, I sighed, shaking my head.

"Will. . ." I began, feeling defeated. "What are we doing?"

He looked bewildered for a moment. "What do you mean?"

"I just don't know what this is," I continued, looking at him helplessly. "Or what we're trying to be. Friends? Acquaintances? One step above strangers?"

Will opened his mouth, then closed it again, considering. Even he couldn't answer.

My lips curved into a rueful smile. "Do you see what I mean?"

"So, let's be friends, then," he said, his voice quiet, refusing to acknowledge what I was truly saying. My chest clenched painfully, as I shook my head again.

"I don't think we should," I confessed, watching his face grow hard as he processed my words. "It's confusing, and I just. . . I don't want anyone to get hurt."

He was silent for a while, and I felt like I was holding my breath. "You're right," he said finally, and my heart promptly sank to the soles of my shoes. His eyes had clouded over, looking complicated and cold, and I swallowed. "Maybe we shouldn't."

"Okay," I murmured, nodding.

Will took a step backward, laughing once without humor. "Maybe we can catch up again in a year," he remarked, voice dripping with sarcasm as he continued to back away. "If I see you around campus, I'll be sure to pretend that I don't."

With one last lingering look, he turned on his heel, storming down the hallway, and I winced. The words stung, but I knew it was for the best. After all, this was more like the reception I had expected to receive from him. The past weeks of tentative friendship and complicated feelings were never supposed to happen. But now, all of that had come to an abrupt end.

Blinking back tears, I began to walk quickly in the opposite direction Will had disappeared in, unsure of where I actually wanted to go. A flicker of self-doubt began to bloom in my chest as I thought about what I'd just done. Was it such a bad thing to try to be friends? But then I thought of the signs of exhaustion on Sabrina's face, versus how Will had looked when he saw me at the game. I had made the right decision.

However, that didn't stop the whole thing from hurting like hell.

This was the second time I had cut Will out of my life.

My breathing began to quicken as I wandered around campus, and I felt like I was on the verge of exploding. There was no way I could go to typography in this state. With that in mind, I whirled around, making to head to the parking lot.

I took one step before crashing into someone else.

Ravi Mizrahi placed his hands on my arms to hold me in place as I mumbled an apology, keeping my face down. "Careful," he quipped, quirking a dark eyebrow. "Where's the fire?" He paused, crouching down to catch a glimpse of my expression, his voice softening. "Whoa, hey, no need to cry."

I waved my hands in front of my face, stepping out of his grasp. "Sorry," I said again, sniffling as I tried to regain my composure. "I just need to get home."

I moved to go past him, but he stepped in front of me, blocking my path effortlessly. "Slow down," he said, holding up his hands. "You think I'm going to let you go after seeing you like this? Especially after you stood me up at Mugs today? Not a chance."

Choking out a pitiful laugh, I squeezed my eyes shut, placing my head in my hands. "It's okay, Ravi," I told him. "I'm just being overdramatic."

"Uh-uh," he remarked, unconvinced. "This is a state of emergency. Come on." He reached down, firmly taking my hand in his and tugging me along behind him. "We're getting out of here."

"Where are we going?" I managed to ask, trying not to trip over my own footsteps.

We arrived at his car, and he unlocked it, gesturing for me to get into the passenger's side. "I think getting out of this place for a while would do you a whole lot of good."

That was all it took to get me to stop resisting. The idea of leaving Cape Vincent, even temporarily, was enough for me to slide into the car without another word.

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song: yes i'm changing - tame impala

thank you all for reading ミ☆