She thought it would get better but it didn't. She thought that relief of some of the stresses she'd been carrying would allow healing to come and allow her time to battle all the other things that she had for so long let sit. But now those things she had forgotten about, the pain, the anxiety crept upon her in her relaxed state, and again she found herself afraid that those terrible things had only gone away because she had been too busy to notice them, not because she was getting better.

It was one of those days where she didn't ever quite wake up and every single human interaction felt forced and she felt guilty that it was so. Even seeing the people she loved most in the world was draining and from the moment she woke up, she felt the inherent need to immediately go back to sleep.

She didn't want to have to fight this battle anymore, this betrayal of her mind to itself, this cycle of thinking she was stronger, better, and living life and then discover that she was in fact not.

Clad in her little black dress and red leather jacket, Lena clung to Roger's arm as they entered into the New Year's party being thrown on behalf of the band, for the band, or by the band; she couldn't really remember and didn't really care. Everyone that she knew and everyone she didn't know was there; what felt like half of London was crammed into the space. It was all too dark and too bright simultaneously with glitters and golds illuminating the low lit space. Light reflected off glasses and laughter tinkled just below the music being pumped into the room. Immediately Lena searched for the source of the music and thought it comical that that's all that mattered to her even after so long; that it was the music she first thought of.

"Hellooooo loves! Welcome to the last party of the year!" Freddie sung, having spotted them.

"You really outdid yourself on this," Lena deadpanned.

"I know you don't like these parties love, but you don't have to stay all that long if you'd like. It's all up to you. Do try to have some fun?"

"Thanks Fred."

"Look," Roger shouted in her ear, as that was the volume needed to be heard over the hoard of people, "There's Kashmira over there with the rest."

Lena followed his gaze and sure enough, John, Brian, and Kashmira were somewhat awkwardly occupying the adjacent corner.

"Why do you all look so awkward over here?" Roger joked when they had made their way over.

"Seriously, you look like you've adopted my attitude toward parties," Lena added.

"I'm not nearly drunk enough for that," Kashmira said, shooting Lena a wink.

Lena scowled at her in response, but knew she was right; usually Lena did get very drunk in effort to avoid her problems. Not a great choice.

"Well?" Roger asked again.

"No reason really," John said, "Neither Veronica, nor Chrissie," he said nodding at Brian, "wanted to come. And I'm only just dropping in because I have to get back to be with Robert."

"See Rog, why did we even come?" Lena wined.

"Because you wanted to see meeeee!" Kashmira chimed in, "Everything is much more fun with you here. Everyone else is a boring drunk. You're a philosophical funny drunk and wonderful to hang with. Sober too of course."

"And Freddie really wanted us to come. We don't have to stay long if you don't want," Roger said.

"Alright then," Lena said, "Somebody get us some champagne! We have 1976 to celebrate. And 1977 can only be better, right?"

With Kashmira there the party was ever more fun than usual and Lena found this to be a rare occasion in which she was actually enjoying herself. Perhaps it had to do with the band staying secluded together, laughing in the corner or the fact that she was not in the least incoherent from alcohol. Maybe it had been a mistake to have fallen into Roger's arms drunk after parties for the past year.

However, as the night grew later and midnight neared the party dissolved and only Kashira remained by Lena's side. She could see Brian snaking his way toward the door and no sign of John. Roger's shock of blonde hair stood out even from across the room where he stood talking to a dark haired woman whose name she could never remember. Freddie bobbed between groups as he usually did, making conversation with everyone. Lena's eyes shifted back to Roger and found him where he was only a moment earlier, however this time she looked harder at him, observing.

He maintained a respectful distance from the gorgeous woman, but she could see how happy he was. Perhaps it had to do with who he was talking to and perhaps not, Lena found she was not even jealous of the way he was looking at her. Instead she realized that he had chosen not to stick by her side, and that anytime she was with him in public, he only looked at her with anxiety, stressing about whether or not she was okay. Public occasions never seemed fun for him anymore. In fact, it seemed that much of his life revolved around Lena's problems with fame. Suddenly all of the comfort the previous hours had granted faded away and she felt very much out of place.

"What's wrong? You look like you just saw a ghost," Kashmira asked.

"Something about me is wrong. Not physically, just something isn't right. I'm not even sure what it is or why. Maybe I need some whiskey. Or some music turned up so loud that I can't hear myself think. I don't know."

"Both of those can be arranged you know," she said in true Freddie fashion.

Before Lena had a chance to interject, Kashmira scampered away in the direction of Freddie. Five minutes later she returned, glass of whiskey in hand.

"I have requested that Queen play us an end of the year song. Very loudly. Very obnoxiously. And here's you drink."

"You didn't have to-"

"Freddie has been on the peruse for someone to ask him to play all night. Just let him."

"Well he'd better hurry because he needs at least one guitarist I think and Brian has been trying to leave for the last hour."

"Valid point. I'll go catch him."

In another five minutes Kashmira had effectively, much more effectively that Lena had ever seen, rounded up the three remaining members and coerced them into doing a song for everyone. Feedback scratched through the house's sound system and Brian could be heard complaining that the guitar Freddie had handed him was absurdly out of tune.

"In case you're just boring enough to have not heard anything off our new album, here is a little sample for all you lovely people as we close off the year.

They jumped into a screeching, crashing version of Tie Your Mother Down and then spluttered into a fast and heavy version of Somebody To Love, both of which sounded a bit off without John. And it was loud. So loud. Loud enough to block out Lena's immediate thoughts.

"Better?" Kashmira yelled in her ear and proceeded to hand her another drink.

"Much," Lena said and smiled.

A few minutes to midnight the song concluded, or rather abruptly stopped, and everyone was bustling with new movement to have a drink and someone to kiss in the new year. In a brief moment of despair Lena realized she stood alone.

Even as the countdown began she still remained standing alone, eyes searching the yelling crowd for the shock of blonde hair she knew so well. The despair that had previously been only a small pond overflowed into a sea, causing a heart wrenching twist in her stomach.

At the last moment familiar hands gripped her waist and spun her around.

"I nearly couldn't find you," Roger's lips whispered into hers.

Lena gave a small halfhearted smile, "I nearly thought you weren't coming."

Roger gave a small chuckle as if to laugh away her foolish idea, kissing her as the crowd cheered and the first seconds of the new year befell them.