"A UNICEF contribution of 13 cents will feed a child for a month," Kelso read off a box. "Man, living in Africa must be great! Everything's so cheap."

"If you ask me man UNICEF is a scam," Hyde said, stealing a magazine for Lucy.

Lucy rolled her eyes as she turned the page in his hand, "Everything is a scam to you."

"Because everything is a scam," Hyde said.

"Oh lighten up," Eric said. "Remember how much fun Halloween used to be? Making costumes? Or trick-or-treating?"

"What is trick-or-treating?" Fez asked.

"Oh, Fezzie man you've been missing out! Trick-or-treating is your new best friend!" Lucy said.

"You put on a costume, you go door to door and say Trick-or-Treat and people give you candy," Jackie explained.

"Oh! You've got to be kidding me! They just give you candy?" Fez asked.

"The best part of Halloween is getting the crap scared out of you. One year I saw The Legend of Sleepy Hollow I couldn't sleep for a month!" Eric laughed.

Everyone looked at him in embarrassed silence.

"My favorite part of Halloween is the costumes. Especially last year when Lucy dressed as a nurse—" Hyde started laughing.

"It was Laurie's leftover costume! I didn't even know I was going out until Donna dragged me out!" Lucy defended herself.

"They give you candy?" Fez asked in disbelief. "Just like that? No strings?"

"Yes Fez get over it," Donna laughed.

"Hey guess what! My church is doing a haunted house!" Jackie smiled excitedly.

"I really don't think anyone's gonna be scared by a bunch of Episcopalians," Donna said.

"Unless they have an image of a dead guy coming back to life, that'd be pretty scary," Lucy added.

"No, unless they have chainsaws!" Kelso said. "Lets go see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre!"

"Michael I told you! I don't like Texans!" Jackie said.

"Who do you like Jackie?" Lucy asked.

"I'm not even sure if I like you guys," Jackie shrugged.

"I know, we could go to Old Main," Eric suggested.

"Our old grammar school?" Donna asked.

"Oh God no, not that place," Lucy sighed.

"Yeah, sure, you know. A dark, burnt-out, boarded up school. Very creepy," Eric elaborated. "We could tell ghost stories."

"Free candy?" Fez asked again. "Even if you're not from this country?"

"Yes!" Kelso yelled.

"Hey why'd they burn down the school anyways?" Donna asked.

"Oh they said it was arson," Jackie nodded.

Everyone turned to look at Hyde. "What I was out of town that weekend!"

"Hmm, how convenient," Jackie said.

Lucy furrowed her eyebrows, "No you weren't. You're never out of town."

"Shh," Hyde whispered.

"You're telling me that if I showed up at someone's house and say Trick or Treat they'll give me a free piece of candy?" Fez asked.

"Yes!" Everyone yelled at once.

"Oh I don't believe you," Fez scoffed.

❁

Everyone stood around the old grammar school, looking around with flashlights.

"Look at this dump!" Fez exclaimed. "No wonder Hyde tried to burn it down!"

"You know Fez, a man died in that fire. A gym teacher. Coach...Smith. Some say his specter still roam the halls to this day," Eric said creepily.

"Take a lap, give me 20, walk it off," Hyde said in a ghost voice.

Lucy joined in, "Menstrual cramps are no excuse."

"Dear God, how early did you start your period?" Donna asked horrified.

"Too early," Lucy said tiredly.

"Alright guys let's just cut it out ok? You're scaring the women," Kelso said nervously. Just then a window fell shut and Kelso ran out screaming, "Get out of my way!"

"Kelso it was the window!" Hyde yelled.

"Yeah I knew that," Kelso said nervously.

"Out of my way?" Jackie asked in disbelief.

"I didn't say that!" Kelso said.

"Yes you did, right before you knocked her over!" Fez reminded him.

"No, I was protecting you," Kelso insisted.

"Protecting me?" Jackie asked.

"Yeah. I was trying to draw the ghost away from you. Ghosts are attracted to movement. That's a scientific fact," Kelso explained.

"That's some rock solid logic Kelso," Lucy laughed.

"You know what? I don't care! You are an idiot and science is stupid! Donna, Lucy let's go!" Jackie yelled, storming out of the room.

"Gee wonder what we're gonna talk about," Donna said sarcastically.

"The suspense is killing me!" Lucy yelled dramatically as Donna dragged her out of the room.

Donna, Lucy, and Jackie walked the charred halls of Old Main, listening to Jackie complain.

"God, I can't believe Michael pushed me out of the way like that!" Jackie huffed.

"Me neither. I figured he'd use you as a human shield," Donna joked.

"I thought he was going to have some sort of sacrificial ritual to save himself," Lucy added.

"Guys, the most noble thing a man can do is lay down his life for a woman he loves. Ideally, while she's still young and can remarry!" Jackie exclaimed.

"Stop with the soap operas, Jackie," Lucy sighed.

"Do you know who protected me in there?" Jackie asked. "Fez."

"Well he had to. He's Batman!" Donna pointed out.

❁

The girls walked back into the classroom the boys were holed up in.

"Hey guys, we found something scary!" Donna announced.

"Yeah it was in the principal's office," Jackie said dropping files.

Lucy, pale as a sheet said, "There was a rat."

Eric and Hyde patted her shoulder reassuring as she shuddered.

"Wait, those look like, like—" Eric stuttered.

"They are," Donna nodded solemnly. "Our permanent records."

Kelso rushed over to grab them and put them on a desk for inspection "Wow! Our permanent records! Uh you know what? They probably left these here after the school burned down."

"Hey, Pinciotti, Donna." Eric chuckled taking her records. "Well someone had a real hard time keeping their clothes on in kindergarten."

"What? It was just a stupid phase!" Donna snatched the records.

"I'm sure glad that's over," Eric sighed.

"She just wanted to show me her Snoopy underwear," Lucy explained.

"What's this? Forman, K Lucetta?" Hyde snickered.

"Oh shut up, K is Katherine for my mom, let me see!" She tried to jump to get the files out of his hands.

"Let's see, perfect attendance, all A's, oh—Interesting," Hyde said, still holding the files out of reach.

"What?" Everyone gathered near.

"Lucy is a pleasure to have in class," Hyde read.

"See!" Lucy beamed.

"Except, she cannot refrain from writing profanity on her desk, proving to be a distraction to the other students," Hyde finished with a smirk.

"Oh my gosh!" Donna laughed, taking the file. "What did you write?"

"The usual, Steven Hyde sucks, Coach is an asshole and then just 69 over and over," Lucy said sheepishly.

"What?" Everyone laughed.

"You knew what that was?" Eric asked in shock.

"No, I just heard Laurie talk it about it with her friends," Lucy kicked at the floor.

"Not so innocent," Hyde teased as Lucy swatted at him.

Kelso spoke up, "Oh listen to this! I fear that despite Steven's high IQ, he's a born troublemaker and is destined to be the smartest man!" Hyde smiled proudly. "In his cell block!" Kelso continued. "He refuses to share toys with the Forman girl and won't stop referencing drugs around her."

"See the nickname got you in trouble!" Lucy laughed.

"Let me see that," Hyde snatched the records. "Steven willfully and maliciously destroyed Lucetta Forman's shoe box diorama of the four food groups."

"I remember that, you said you liked it before recess and we were getting along. I came back and it was destroyed, I cried and Kelso laughed and then that's why I hated you through grammar school," Lucy said looking at the transcript.

"You're a horrible, horrible, monster!" Donna teased.

"Yeah real funny but I didn't do it!" Hyde defended himself.

"Oh calm down Steven, I don't still hate you for it—mostly," Lucy said.

"You know what's really funny Hyde?" Eric asked.

"What Forman?"

"I broke the diorama," Eric chuckled.

"You?" Hyde and Lucy asked at once.

"You snake! You're my twin and you betrayed me!" Lucy yelled lunging on her brother's back and hitting him.

"Your's was better than mine," Eric explained through the pain. "I had to smash it," Lucy jumped off his back and crossed her arms.

"You left out dairy! I told you and you said it wasn't a group!" Lucy yelled.

"I left out dairy!" Eric nodded.

"You know that's when everybody turned against me, Lucy knows more than anyone. Hell, she didn't even believe me when I said it wasn't me. They pegged me as a bad kid! And once that happens you're labeled forever. You ruined my life Forman!" Hyde said walking closer to Eric.

"No he didn't!" Jackie said. "No offense but with an alcoholic mom and an absent dad, you were bound to end up in jail sooner or later. I said no offense!"

"Yeah right, let's see what that file says about you Jackie," Hyde walked over to the files.

"Go ahead! I have a perfect record!" Jackie skipped over.

"Would anybody like to know what Jackie's middle name is?" Hyde snorted.

Jackie shrieked at the thought.

"Jackie's middle name is—" Hyde started.

"No!" Jackie yelled, taking the file and hitting Hyde with it.

"It's Beulah!" Hyde said with a smirk sitting up.

"Wait Jackie why do you have a shirt that says JSB?" Lucy asked.

"That's how much I hate it! I want it to be Scarlett! Like that one girl with all the pretty dresses!" Jackie whined.

"Scarlett O'Hara? From Gone With the Wind? You know she lives in the South right? You hate the South," Lucy said.

"Oh well, she marries rich," Jackie shrugged.

❁

Soon everyone was in a stare off. It was Hyde, Eric, and Jackie all staring one another down. Jackie at Hyde for telling everyone middle name, Hyde at Eric for destroying the diorama and Eric at Hyde for thinking it's his fault his reputation was ruined.

"Alright, nobody move! Somebody took my last box of Sugar Babies!" Fez yelled. "Oh no wait I was sitting on them!"

"Gee, Fez, you didn't give Forman a chance to pin it on me or Lucy a chance to hate me when I said I didn't do it," Hyde said bitterly.

"How was I supposed to know? You always did mean things to me!" Lucy sighed from the desks.

"I didn't pin anything on you!" Eric defended himself.

"No? Well when Mrs. Hodgekiss was yelling at me in front of the whole class you didn't exactly step up and take responsibility. What were you thinking?" Hyde asked.

"Hmm I guess I was thinking I'm seven!" Eric yelled.

"Hey! Let's not fight, all right?" Kelso asked. "It's Halloween, man. It's time for peace on earth and good will towards men. Let's read another file!" Kelso suggested.

"Yeah 'cause that's worked out great so far," Donna joked.

"I'll read from my own okay? Here's a secret you don't know about me," Kelso chuckled as he opened his file. "'Cause it happened the year before I moved here. When I was in first grade, I used to wear this red cape to school and pretend I was Superman."

"You must've looked really stupid," Fez laughed as he fixed his Batman gloves.

"Wait, first grade?" Lucy asked as she unwrapped some of Fez's candy.

"Yeah," Kelso said.

"When you moved here, you and I were in first grade. That's how we met," Eric explained.

"No, we didn't!" Kelso said.

Eric snatched the records, "Man you had to repeat first grade?"

"Oh my God, Michael say it's not true," Jackie begged.

"It was cursive writing alright? All those stupid squiggles and bumps! I wouldn't do it!"

"You mean you couldn't do it?" Hyde smirked.

"No! I wouldn't do it!" Kelso yelled. "And that's why they held me back! Plus I might've killed the class bunny. Why?" He screamed, falling to his knees.

"It's okay Kelso, let it out," Fez comforted their friend.

"I mean, it sucked you know? Living this lie, pretending to be a year younger than I really am," Kelso cried.

"Wait a minute. You're 18?" Hyde asked.

"Yeah," Kelso said casually. "That's why I've always seemed more mature than you guys."

"Kelso, do you know the legal age to buy beer?" Lucy asked calmly.

"Um..." Kelso hesitated.

"It's 18!" she said in disbelief.

"You could have been buying us beer!" Hyde yelled.

"You bastard!" Fez gasped.

"But Eric ruined your life!" Kelso pointed.

"And if I had a beer, I could be

getting over it right now," Hyde said.

"Beer!" Everyone chanted as they cornered Kelso.

"All right everybody leave him alone!" Jackie got in front of him. "Okay! Because he may be a liar, but at least he's not a double backstabber like Eric."

"Stay out of this Beulah! Only I can yell at Eric for destroying my beautiful, beautiful diorama!" Lucy screamed angrily, still upset about her diorama.

"Oh don't call me that," Jackie threatened.

"Sorry. Ms. Beulah!" Lucy sneered.

"Fine! You know what? Lucy kissed Hyde!" Jackie announced.

The blood drained from Lucy's face. "Funny," she laughed dryly. "She's lying," she looked around the room.

"What!" Eric yelled.

"What the hell?" Everyone yelled.

"It's fine she's lying—" Lucy started to reassure her twin.

"Secret's out, doll" Hyde smirked.

Lucy glared at him. "Well actually it was Hyde that kissed me."

"Well what happened?" Donna yelled.

"Well technically I did. But it was because someone made Lucy very paranoid about her date with a certain Dick Thompson," Hyde said looking to Eric. "And so, she realized she needed practice—her words not mine. She basically begged me to kiss her, honestly it was cute—in a pathetic way—" Hyde walked over to Lucy, slinging his arm around the stoic girl's shoulder.

"You! You! Terrible, lying, cheeky, annoying asshole! You dillhole! Why are you doing this?" Lucy screeched, pushing him away.

"Well, you believed so easily I was a troublemaker before, why stop now?" Hyde yelled.

Lucy scoffed, "That's not the same as this! But you better believe that I won't forgive you for this one! We are not friends!" she seethed, leaving Hyde taken aback.

She spun to Jackie, "You! You promised! Bad middle name is not equal to this level of secret!"

"Were you ever going to tell me about Hyde?" Eric pulled his sister aside.

"It wasn't a big deal then! And it's not a big deal now! In fact now! It's just a mistake!" Lucy hissed, looking past Eric and at Hyde.

"So yeah, I kissed your bratty sister, hurts when friends stab you in the back doesn't it?" Hyde spoke up.

"Oh that's it! Now I don't have friends! Let's go!" Eric yelled, approaching Hyde.

Soon everyone was yelling.

"Stop it!" Fez yelled. "Can't you see what is happening? The permanent records and secrets are tearing us apart."

"Batman's right," Eric nodded.

"Look what we've become," Hyde said.

"We're like animals," Donna admitted.

Kelso spoke up, "Those files are evil man."

"We've got to destroy them!" Jackie insisted.

"It's too late, what's done is done," Lucy said.

"It's not too late!" Donna reassured.

"But how to destroy them? How?" Eric asked.

"Oh my God now my Sugar Babies really are gone," Fez whined. Hyde slowly handed the Sugar Babies back.

❁

Everyone stood around a hole in the ground that they dug.

"Michael I'm cold! And this is stupid! We should just burn the files!" Jackie

whined.

"Jackie! They've already been in a fire. They can't be destroyed that way," Kelso said as if it were obvious.

"See you in hell, permanent records!" Hyde said as he tossed the records into the grave.

"Now we have to swear we will never speak of this, ever again," Eric said seriously.

"Except for the part about Kelso buying us beer," Donna rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, naturally," Eric nodded. "And I have to talk to my dearest sister," Eric insisted.

"God I hated this school before it was a crumbling hellhole and it's still ruining my life," Lucy sighed.

"But otherwise it's like this night never happened okay?" Eric instructed. Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Beulah," Hyde laughed causing everyone to snicker and Jackie beat up Hyde.

❁