JAX

“Where’s the bottle of Jack?”

The constant dull ache in the back of my skull was something I was used to now. I welcomed it. To me, it was the only thing keeping me grounded. It kept me connected to reality. It let me know that I was still alive. Sack looked at me with sad eyes before passing me the bottle. We were connected now as well. He was the only one that knew what really happened to Derek. I told him if he told anyone I’d make sure he never get his patch, but if he kept the secret I’d do whatever I could to get him one. I know it wasn’t fair to ask that of him, but what choice did I have? Killing Derek was one thing. That was expected. But cutting his heart out? I don’t know what the club would think of it. I didn’t want to find out. What was worse were the nightmares.

Every night since, I’ve had terrible nightmares. Not about Derek, but about McKayla. About me killing McKayla and cutting her heart out in the very same forest I killed Derek in. At home I kept a dagger under my pillow just in case I didn’t have my gun handy and when I would wake up from the nightmare it would be in my hands. The first time it happened I heard myself scream and jumped out of the bed, the dagger crashing to the floor. McKayla wasn’t talking yet but she looked up at me with a terrified expression. Her mouth was open and she clutched the sheets up around herself. After that I didn’t sleep. I forced myself to stay awake at night so I didn’t have to see myself killing her. Of course that backfired on me and I laid the bike down on the highway. To my surprise, I didn’t have any nightmares when I was out cold. Strangely enough my brush with death snapped McKayla back and got her to speak again. But I realized that if I was passed out, I wouldn’t dream so that’s what I started doing.

I started drinking heavily as soon as I was released from the hospital. I drank myself stupid and passed out on the couch at the clubhouse. When I woke up, I had a hangover from hell but I didn’t dream. From that day on, I drank myself to sleep. I even stopped going home because I couldn’t stand the look on McKayla’s face when I would stumble in the house drunk and barely make it to the bed. On more than one occasion she had to drag me into bed and undress me. I couldn’t put her through any more pain, so I left. On the nights that I made it into the apartment in the clubhouse, I always woke up reaching for her across the bed. I smelled her in the sheets, since I hadn’t bothered to change them. I knew that it was hurting her that I was gone but I couldn’t look into her eyes and not think about Derek and what I did to him. Justified or not.

I unscrewed the cap and took a long pull from the bottle. The liquid fire eased its way passed my lips and down my throat. Sack sighed and walked away from the bar and out of the club. Tig was on the couch with his foot up on the pool table and he was looking at me.

“It’s a little early isn’t it?” He said.

I shrugged and took another drink. Not long after Opie came into the club and walked over to me.

“We need to talk.” He said.

He looked like the devil had jumped up and kicked him square in the ass. I raised my eyebrow at him and he stalked over to me. He gripped my arm and pulled me to the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

“What the hell, bro?” I asked him.

Opie closed his eyes and took some deep breaths. I cursed under my breath for leaving the bottle out on the bar. He took his beanie off and untied his hair, letting it fall to his shoulders. The tension between us was so thick I wanted to choke. I’d barely spoken to him since everything happened and I could tell he was hurt that I asked him to leave that night. We’ve been best friends forever. Both of our fathers were in the club so we grew up together. I know he wanted to be there for me and McKayla, but I knew I couldn’t have done what I did if it had been him with me.

“I just saw McKayla.” He said finally.

I winced at her name. I could see her plainly in my minds eye, standing in the kitchen staring at me with those beautifully unique brown eyes of hers filled with pain and sorrow. My mouth had gone dry and I looked away from Opie.

“She looked good. Her and Gemma had just come back from shopping. Abel looks like he’s gotten big too. He looks so much like you it’s scary,” He went on.

Abel. My heart ached. I hadn’t seen my son either since I left. It wasn’t fair to McKayla that I left him with her, but I didn’t think bringing him here with me was exactly the best for him since I was drunk or passed out all of the time. I swallowed hard and looked up at him.

“Thanks for checking on them I guess.” I managed to say.

Then it was like something snapped in Op. He lunged for me, put his hands on the collar of my vest and threw me up against the wall. My hands flew to his wrists and I gripped them. I wasn’t at my best so I couldn’t have fought him if I wanted to. The look in his eyes wasn’t angry, but fierce nonetheless.

“Look brother, I don’t know what the hell is going on with you but it has to stop. You’ve been stuck in this self-pity, self-hatred shit for too long. McKayla needs you. She was kidnapped and beat to hell for Christ’s sake and you sit here and act like it was you that was beaten. That it was you that was chained to a pole and whipped for hours. That poor girl is sitting at your house, raising your son while you drink yourself to death. I love you brother, but I’m not going to sit back and watch you do it.”

I have never heard Opie talk like this. He had always been the one I could go to if I needed someone to listen. He always understood me and my reasons for doing things. Now, it looked like he wanted to tear me apart.

“I know I shouldn’t have left Abel with her, but I can’t bring him here. He’s better off. So is she. You have no idea what’s going on Op. Just leave it alone.” I said in a low voice.

Opie responded by slamming me into the wall again, harder this time. I blinked in surprise and tightened my grip on him.

“You’re not even listening to me! Damn it Jax, so help me God I will put you through this wall if I have to. I know you, I know you better than anyone. I know what you’re doing. You’re punishing yourself for something. You’re keeping yourself away from McKayla, from Abel and you’re drinking yourself stupid to hide from something. But you know that’s only going to work for a little while. Soon drinking won’t be enough and you’ll turn to something stronger. And then we’ll find you dead somewhere and just think of what that will do to McKayla. It would kill her Jax. She’s already been through enough. You need to get your shit together bro.” His voice cracked when he spoke

I found his eyes were searching mine for something. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My legs gave way from under me and I buckled against the wall. Opie held me up and put me in the desk chair. My head fell into my hands and I started to cry. He put a hand on my shoulder and just let me. When I was finished I took a deep breath and went into the bathroom to splash some water on my face. Opie just sat there quietly, waiting for me to come back. I sat back down on the chair and looked at him. I was going to tell him the truth.

“After I sent everyone away, Sack and I went to take care of Derek,” I started.

Opie nodded for me to continue and I explained to him how I cut out his beating heart. Opie and I have both seen some brutal things in our lives, but this, this was worse than all of them. I saw him go pale and he swallowed hard.

“Jesus, Jax.” He whispered.

I closed my eyes and lowered my head.

“I know Op. Believe me I know. It’s the only thing I’ve been able to think about since. It’s just…It was the only thing I could do that would hurt him as much as he hurt me and McKayla. He was a heartless son of a bitch and I made it true.” I tried to explain.

Opie didn’t say anything at first. When he looked at me again, I could see he had accepted it.

“But why did you have the prospect go with you? Why not me or Chibs?” He asked.

I shrugged and looked at him with a serious stare.

“Because you would’ve stopped me. I knew he wouldn’t, not if he wanted a patch someday. And because he and McKayla are close and I knew he was feeling guilty about her going to the party and figured he deserved some revenge too.” I said.

It took a minute, but he eventually nodded in understanding.

“What did he do?”

A smirk came to my lips and I chuckled a little.

“Shot him in the dick.”

Op looked at me in shock and then laughed. I couldn’t help but laugh too. We stood up and hugged each other so tightly I was sure I’d have bruises on my back. When we pulled apart he was looking at me.

“I understand why that would mess you up and everything, but that can’t be all of it. Something else has got to be wrong.” He said.

Well since I was being honest…

“I keep having nightmare’s Op. In them I kill McKayla. I cut her heart out in the same place I did it to Derek. She’s crying and pleading with me and I just kill her.” I said quietly.

This was the first time I’ve talked about them. I thought he would look at me like a monster. Instead, he punched me in the mouth.

“What the hell was that for?” I asked him as I brought my hand up to my face.

“For being an ass. You’re having those dreams because of what happened to Derek and you’re afraid if McKayla finds out she’ll hate you or worse be afraid of you. Go and talk to her. Tell her everything and let her decide what her feelings are. I can bet that it won’t scare her away. But if you don’t, she’ll leave you and you’ll hate yourself for the rest of your life and I will make sure you remember it even if you’re too drunk to.” He said.

I stared at him bewildered. Who was the guy and what had he done with Opie? He’s not exactly known for his deep advice. He stood up and opened the door.

“If you don’t go, I’m gonna call Gemma and you know she’ll drag your ass down there if you want to go or not.” He said before stepping out.

I couldn’t help but let out a short laugh of surprise as he walked away. I sat for a moment to take in everything he said to me. I knew he was right. I had to come clean to McKayla. I’m sure she knows I had something to do with Derek’s sudden disappearance but I doubt she can imagine what. Maybe she won’t even care. He was gone and never could hurt her again and that’s all that should matter. With a deep breath I pulled myself out of the chair and walked out of the club. Opie gave me a nod of encouragement and I went out to my bike to go home. To our home.