McKayla

Abel was having a blast at his party. He loved looking at all of the animals and touching them. I noticed after a while that Jax had disappeared and Gemma was sitting by herself at a picnic table. She was glaring towards the club house and bouncing her knee up and down. I glanced at the club and then back at Gemma. What pissed her off? I shrugged it off and brought Abel over to her. Her eyes lit up as soon as she saw him.

"Is my baby having a good day?" She cooed at him.

I smiled and passed him to her.

"He loves this Gem." I said.

Gemma nodded and smiled. Her smile didn't reach her eyes. I studied her and leaned against the table.

"You okay?" I asked her.

Gemma ignored me, not that I was surprised. When it came to personal questions Gemma was the queen of deflecting.

"I think he's getting warm, why don't you get him some juice?" She said instead.

I nodded and put my hand on Abel's forehead. He was feeling a little warm.

"Sure, I'll be right back." I said. I kissed his top of his head and started towards the club.

Clay was standing by the front door. To say that I was over everything that happened was a complete lie. My blood still boiled at the sight of him.

"Hey McKayla, can you give me a hand?" Opie called from the back of the club.

My hero. I made a beeline for the back. Opie was struggling with a box of burgers and three bags of buns. The bags were slipping out of his hands and he was doing an awkward dance to try and grab them. I laughed and scooped them out of his hand.

"Thanks, you're a life saver." He said with a smile.

I looked up at him and smiled back. For the first time in a long time, I really looked at him. The long hair and beard made him look rough, but those eyes. When you looked into Opie's eyes, they made you feel safe. Like nothing in the world could ever hurt you. Unfortunately they also make you feel sad because you can see the pain that he's dealt with.

"All in a day's work." I said back.

I tossed the bags up on top of the box he was holding and he shot me a wink. I grinned at him and made my way to the back of the club house where Opie had just come from. As I walked down the hallway, I trailed my fingers along J.T.'s bike. Just before I reached the kitchen, I heard voices.

"Just tell me Tara" It was Jax.

I stopped dead in my tracks and backed up against the wall. Tara was here and Jax was talking to her. What on Earth could that bitch possibly want now?

"I'm pregnant." She whispered.

I had to cover my mouth with my hands to quiet a gasp. Everything in the room stopped. My heart was pounding so hard I was sure they could hear me. Tara was pregnant. She was pregnant and Jax was the father. My stomach turned. Jax and Tara were talking again but I couldn't hear them. I forced myself not to. I held my knees tightly against my chest and tried to make myself as small as I could. I heard her say something about an appointment and Jax telling her not to keep it. He also told her he would deal with me. Deal with me.

Jax told Tara to leave out the back. I managed to pull myself together quickly and ducked into the open apartment so that I wouldn't have to face her. I waited until she had left before walking back into the kitchen. I purposely shut the door loudly so that Jax would know someone was coming. He jumped up off of the bar stool when he saw me.

"Is everything alright?" I asked him as I opened the fridge.

I couldn't look at him. The minute I did, I knew I would dissolve into tears.

"Yeah babe, I uh was just feeling dizzy so I came in to cool down." He said.

I swallowed and took a breath to steady myself.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked.

He came up behind me and slid his arms around my waist. I could feel him trembling as he held me.

"I'll be fine." His voice was hoarse, like he was holding back tears.

I closed my eyes and forced myself to turn around. He couldn't look at me. I pretended not notice and kissed his cheek. It took everything I had not to break down.

"Come on, let's get back to the party." I told him.

Jax nodded, took my hand and we went back outside. My head was buzzing. I couldn't focus on anything but Tara's voice saying she was pregnant. Jax seemed to be handling it better than I was. He was playing with Abel and working the crowd like nothing had happened. I couldn't do that.

Juice was talking to Tig over by the grill. They were passing a joint back and forth. I realized I needed his help. I managed to slip away unnoticed and walked over to Juice.

"Hey, do you have a second?" I asked him.

He glanced at Tig and shrugged. Tig took the joint with him and walked off.

"What's up?" He asked as he stuffed his hands in his cut.

I bit my bottom lip and glanced back at Jax.

"I need your help. Jax is in a lot of pain, but of course he won't say anything." I said.

Juice followed my gaze and nodded.

"Does he want some pot?" He asked with his eyebrow raised.

I shook my head.

"No, he needs something stronger. Do you think you can help me?"

Juice was quiet. He stared at Jax for a while before looking at me. He was starting to get nervous.

"Are you sure? I mean he looks alright to me." He said.

I glanced back at Jax and sighed.

"He's in pain Juice. He can't sleep because of it. Please?" I pleaded with him.

I turned up the charm and bit my lip as I looked at him. He swore under his breath and nodded.

"Give me an hour." He said.

I smiled and hugged him.

"Thanks Juice." I said sweetly.

He blushed and took off. I ran my hand through my hair and took my cigarettes out of my pocket. As I lit one, I saw Jax pick Abel up and hold him close. Jax was an incredible father. He would do anything for his child –children. Jax was going to have another child. Another child that wasn't mine. I squeezed my eyes shut and forced myself not to think about it anymore. The hour I had to wait for Juice was torture. As I tried to be a part of the party, I couldn't help thinking that everyone was watching me. Jax and I were the picture perfect couple. We posed for photos with Abel and took turns feeding him his cake and all the other things parents do with their children. But inside, we were both falling apart. Finally Juice came back and I met him by his bike.

"Okay, I scored you some Oxy's. Tell him to take two and he should be flying high." Juice said as he handed me the small baggie the pills were in.

I roughly counted about thirty pills in the bag. I tucked them into my pocket and gave Juice a hug.

"Thanks Juice." I said softly.

Juice nodded and looked at me for a while.

"Hey, is everything alright?" He asked.

I forced a smile and nodded.

"Yeah, everything's fine."

I knew he didn't believe me. But being the good little solider that he was he wasn't about to ask questions.

The party was still in full swing long after the sun went down. Jax and I decided it was time to take Abel home. We loaded Gemma's car with all of Abel's presents and headed home. Jax sat up front and he and Gemma talked the whole way. I stayed silent and just watched Abel fall asleep in the car seat. He truly was an angel. I swallowed the knot in my throat and stared out the window.

Gemma and Jax brought the gifts in the house and I put the baby to bed. He was out before I even laid him down. I loved this little boy with all of my heart. Him and Jax were the best thing that ever happened in my life. It was killing me to know that all of it was going to be taken away from me because of one stupid night. I leaned down and kissed Abel goodnight and walked out of his room.

"Thanks for helping us with all this stuff Ma." Jax said to Gemma as I walked into the kitchen.

She let out a puff of smoke and smiled.

"Anything for my kids." She said.

Jax smiled and kissed her cheek.

"McKayla, you okay?" Jax called to me.

I was filling a glass with ice and getting the Jack Daniels bottle from under the sink.

"Yeah, I'm just tired. I'm gonna take a bath and then go to bed." I said without looking at him.

I thanked Gemma again and walked down the hallway to the bathroom. I managed to keep myself together as I turned on the water. Jax and Gemma were talking but I couldn't hear them. I put some of Abel's bubble bath in the water and watched it fill with giant foamy bubbles. Before climbing in the water I filled my glass to the top with whiskey and lit a cigarette.

The warm water welcomed me. I took a big gulp of the whiskey and let it burn in my chest. It was nothing compared to the pain I'd been feeling all day. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't blame Jax for telling Tara to keep the baby. I would probably hate him if he didn't. But he told her he would deal with me. What did that mean? Was he ever going to tell me? Would he just make me disappear? Would he make her disappear after the baby was born?

My head was buzzing from the whiskey and I finally dissolved into tears. Jax and Abel were the best things that ever happened to me. He saved me from the brink of death and gave me a new life and a new family. Now, because of one horrible mistake, I'm about to lose it all.

On the floor next to my jeans was the little baggy of pills that Juice gave me. I took a deep breath and picked them up and poured them into my palm. My eyes filled with tears when I thought about Abel in the morning. He'd probably be confused when I don't come in to get him up. With the back of my hand I wiped my eyes. I popped all the pills in my mouth and washed them down with the whiskey. As I slid down into the water, letting it engulf me, I thought about Jax. How he looked when he was laughing. How it felt when he kissed me. The passion I felt when he made love to me. All the things I would miss most flashed in front of my eyes as they grew heavier.

"I love you." I whispered before I fell asleep.

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