"How was the first day of school, Ivan?" The middle aged woman questioned smoothly, leaning back in her dark red velvet armchair and twisting a pen in between her fingers.

"Fine." I continued to pick at the edge of the old sofa I was sitting on, large cracks ran through the cheap black leather and exposed the spongey cushions underneath.

"Fine? In what ways was it a positive experience?" The woman continued to prod.

I appreciated the effort of Dr. Williams, I really did. It must be hard trying to provide therapy to someone who rejects it in every way possible, but I was really just bitter at the system. If I don't go to therapy, my psychiatrist refuses to renew my medications. Not like I need them to function every bloody day anyway. Why not use them as blackmail?

"I made friends," I replied shortly.

"Well that's excellent. A new friend besides Vera?" I nod.

"Who?"

"Ethan."

"Tell me about him," she hummed, leaning forward in interest as stringy blond curls fell around her face.

I huff and squeeze my eyes closed, instantly regretting even bringing it up; but I knew how therapy went. The truth gets wrung from me eventually.

"He's. . . nice?" Dr. Williams nodded along. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, glaring at the filthy dark green carpet. "I like being around him."

My therapist nodded thoughtfully. She sat back on her chair, her dark glasses resting near the tip of her nose. Her thin lips were drawn into a tight line as she toyed with the end of her black pen against her bottom lip. "You're a little flushed Ivan, is this Ethan possibly more than a friend?" She smiled coyly. Dr. Williams was a master at making you say things you really didn't want to.

"I- I don't know. I really don't want to talk about it," I spluttered, shaking my head quickly,

"Why not?"

"Because-" I gripped the end of the leather couch until my knuckles turned white, becoming very flustered. "I worry about it enough. I don't want to worry anymore."

"This is what therapy is for, Ivan. It's good to discuss things now so we can deal with them."

I felt tears welling in my eyes, which really only worsened my current state of discomfort. This wasn't the part where Dr. Williams rams the knife into my heart. This is the part where she twists.

"I- I just-"

"Take your time," she soothed.

"I'm too complicated right? It's never going to work. Troubled people don't do well in relationships. . ."

"Now who said that?" Dr. Williams seemed almost offended by that.

"I did!"

"Don't shout, Ivan. Everyone has the capacity to improve, including you. You're managing yourself well, by going to therapy and taking your medication. You're doing well." She was almost convincing, I must admit. Almost.

"I don't want to talk about this," I whisper, my head hung low. The tears in my eyes never spilled, because now, I was simply too exhausted to talk.

"Alright. Next topic then."

The rest of the session went as they usually do, she asked about my hallucinations, if they were flaring up, if any new actors appeared, calculating stare watching every minuscule change in body language as I spoke of them. She was always attempting to gage whether I was in a state of mind where the lines between real and imaginary were becoming a little too blurred. I despised talking about it, even with a therapist. It just made my situation seem more realistic every time I bring it up, even if I have known about my disorder for years.

I solemnly walked out of the room, only to be greeted by Mrs. Clarissa in the waiting room. She looked at me softly, ducking her head down to speak to me quietly. She knew how fragile all of us got after our therapy sessions, Mrs. Clarissa just understood those things despite never having gone through what we have.

"Oh honey. It will be alright," she said with a sympathetic smile, face falling slightly at my crestfallen expression.

I nodded. I probably looked like I had been through hell and back, because emotionally, I had.

"I don't like Dr. Williams," I grumbled, hugging my elbows. I probably sounded like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum, but I was so tired of her weird therapy tactics. They never made me feel better, only worse.

Then again, that could very well be because I simply hate therapy. Mrs. Clarissa seemed to catch on to that after the first handful of therapists I've tried.

"I know, love. You are so strong, but your medication is important, and this is the only way to get it," Mrs. Clarissa gave me a sympathetic look. I huffed, finally lowering my defenses.

"Is Mary playing with Ally?" I questioned.

"She is. Why?"

"Can I go hang out with Ethan?" I asked hopefully, my spirits already starting to lift just thinking about forgetting all of this, even for a few hours as I'm consumed by Ethan's warm presence and bright spark of life.

Mrs. Clarissa gave me a knowing smile and pretended to think it over. "Oh, I suppose," she sighed dreamily, giving me a wink. I blushed as we reached her car in the parking lot, beginning the short drive home.

~

I stood timidly at the front door, shifting my weight between my feet. Over the summer Ethan and I hung out a lot, but he would usually just text me whenever he was outside my house, so we had never actually knocked on one another's doors. And yet, here I was, nervous to knock on a damn door- but I was desperate to see him.

So with that, I gave the front door a couple of hard raps and waited. I played with my fingers awkwardly as I heard movement from the other side of the red mahogany door. Then it opened, revealing none other than Ethan himself. He looked a bit surprised to see me, but put on a warm smile anyway.

"Hey Ivy. What's up?" He greeted, leaning against the door frame.

"Hey, um, are you busy right now?" I questioned, and with every power within me, willed myself to look him in the face. Once my gaze had settled on his features, I was suddenly entranced, and I don't think everything within me could have ripped my gaze from his.

"No, not at all. Come in," he stepped aside for me, allowing me to enter before shutting the door behind me. His house was just as organized as I remembered, and I thought I could make out two little girls giggling from upstairs.

"Want to watch a movie? Your choice?" I asked, nervously standing in the hallway.

"Sold," he grinned, gesturing for me to follow him, to which I obliged. He lead me to a door near the kitchen, a room I have never been in before. He followed behind me as I entered the room, which appeared to be a recreational room. There were no windows, but a pool table was pushed off to the side, and a projector hung from the ceiling in the center of the room, surrounded by a couch and some armchairs. I stood in the middle of the room, taking it all in, while Ethan crouched to look through some drawers towards the back of the room.

Ethan looked over his shoulder at me, encouraging me to sit on the couch. I complied, sitting at the end, leaning against the arm rest. I played with the strings of my dark grey hoodie as Ethan busied himself, and that was when I finally noticed what he was wearing, black joggers and a graphic t-shirt of some football team. At least I wasn't exactly underdressed.

"Here it is," Ethan grinned, opening up the disc player and setting up the movie. Ethan switched off the lights, cloaking the room in darkness, before turning around and sitting in the middle of the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table in front of us.

"This movie you are about to watch, is one of the best movies in cinematic history. You should feel very honored I want to watch it with you," Ethan said with a childlike grim, and I returned the gesture with a small smile as the opening credits rolled. I noticed right away this movie was not from modern times.

"Is this movie older?" I asked Ethan.

"It was made in the eighties. Movies made in the eighties hold the key to life and my heart," he said seriously, still with that subtle playfulness in his eyes he always seemed to adorn. I laughed softly and averted my eyes back to the film. I gathered from the title screen that the movie was called 'Heathers', and while I was genuinely confused for much of the beginning, I'll admit, the movie was very entertaining. Ethan got up at some point to make a small bowl of popcorn, and I ended up munching on it throughout the movie. Although, towards the end I got a bit distracted, as Ethan constantly threw popcorn at my head, and then looked around the room nonchalantly, pretending it wasn't him. As cliché as it sounds, I don't remember a time when I have smiled more in my life. The first day of school was only three days ago, and yet, I felt a lifetime's worth of happiness. God I really do sound like a lovestruck teenager right now.

Once the movie ended, Ethan got up and wolf whistled at the television, clapping obnoxiously like it was some theater performance. I smirked and finished off the last of the popcorn, while Ethan looked at me with an expectant expression.

"Well? Thoughts? Did you like it?" He asked expectantly, eyebrows raised in anticipation of my

commentary.

"Yeah, it was really good. Coming from someone who knows nothing about film quality," I shrugged, looking at him from under my eyelashes, bashful under his intense gaze.

Ethan just rolled his eyes and grabbed my hands, pulling me up from the couch. Suddenly we were very close, our noses just inches away from each other. My breath hitched, heart shooting into overdrive. I had never experienced whatever emotions I was feeling right now, a strange mixture of bliss, and excitement, and utter terror.

"Well, your thoughts matter a lot to me," his green eyes locked onto my blue irises, the strange tension in the air coming to a choking standstill. I patiently awaited his next move, already unsure of the situation. Oh my God, was I about to have my first kiss?

I didn't have to wait any longer though, as Ethan had made his decision. He let go of my hands, and took a few steps back, looking unsure of himself for the first time since meeting him. I was just about crushed right then and there, my shoulders deflating as it suddenly became a bit easier to breathe. It wasn't all his fault, I couldn't even imagine the mixed signals I was giving him. I still didn't know what this meant, my mind was reeling. It was such a passionate moment and yet, I still couldn't comprehend the fact that he liked me in the first place.

"Anyway. . . it's getting late. I'll walk you out," he muttered, and just like that, the air between us took a turn for the worst. Ethan turned on his heel and began to walk out, not looking back to see if I was even following him. I had no idea what to do, or what to say. I had no idea what had just happened.

As promised, Ethan walked me to the door and gave me a tight smile, opening it wide, letting the cold night air encroach into his home. I sheepishly glanced between him and outside, murmuring out a pathetic 'see you tomorrow?'.

Ethan's gaze softened a bit, and he nodded. I guess that's the best I'm going to get, so without another word, I crossed the threshold of his home and entered the night. I began to walk the short distance down the street to my house, and noticed Ethan didn't close the door until he saw me open the door to my house. But the moment I did, he immediately closed his, leaving me alone with far too many thoughts.

After entering my house and closing the front door with a loud, drawn out creak, I was cloaked in darkness, and an eerie silence fell upon my surroundings. The kitchen was right in front of me, and I could easily see the kids' coats draped across the back of the chairs, sloppily discarded after they arrived home from school. I could barely make out the beginning of the stairs off to the left, but the rest of the house was pitch black, and rather unnerving. I didn't like the dark very much. I had enough problems with hallucinations in general, but there was something about the dark that really made them come to life. Almost like the darkness was an easier medium for my mind to mold my worst nightmares. My eyes drifted up to the railing that blocked off the upper floor, which overlooked the kitchen and the front door. A dark mass rested on top of the railing, sitting exactly the way a cat would, and I suppose she was technically a cat. A cat made of shadows.

I knew my mind was playing tricks on me, but not in the way it does for everyone else. This didn't go away. I could blink, shake my head, or slap myself in the face, but this thing didn't go away. When I began to ascend the stairs, it simply sat there, watching me with no eyes at all. I'll have to tell Mrs. Clarissa to up my medication, all this stress was really getting to me.

I hurried past the thing without another look, rushing into my bedroom and shutting the door with a huff. My lamp was on, along with another wall light, illuminating the room just enough for my comfort. Moving over to my nightstand, I noticed Mrs. Clarissa had left out my two nightly pills for me. I picked them up and laid them out onto the palm of my clammy hand. One little blue pill and an even smaller, circular white pill. Such tiny things, but so capable of keeping me just far enough from the edge. Tilting my head back, I tossed them into my mouth while reaching over to my water bottle to wash them down. All that was left to do was brush my teeth and change my clothes before calling it a day.

Scrubbing my face in frustration, I laid in bed staring at the blank ceiling, not having been this confused in a long, long time. I thought about my time with Ethan today, and how the entire night's tone had shifted in a mere instant. I had this gut feeling, or maybe a deep desire, hell if I know, that Ethan did like me. More than the way a friendship could ever uphold. The signs were all there, I may be mentally ill, but I certainly had a degree of social intellect. Every look, every flirtatious comment, how serious his tone had gotten when it came to my thoughts and feelings, even if it was just about some stupid movie; it all pointed to the fact that this boy actually had feelings for me. Still, a part of me was apprehensive, probably in disbelief that this could actually happen to me, and in absolute terror that it would all soon be ripped away from me.

~

More of Ivan's internal struggles have been revealed! What are we thinking? Remember to vote if you enjoyed the chapter!