"Well, well, Ivan has come home to join us for breakfast," Mrs. Clarissa beamed, taking my bag from me and pulling out my chair at the kitchen table. I watched her lithe figure climb up the stairs and round the corner, before staring down at my toast. Vera had just dropped me off minutes ago, and I was already being swooped back into my routine.

"Mary missed you Ivan, right Mary?" Benji chided, chewing on a piece of bacon.

"Yes! I picked daisies for you!" the little girl squealed, kicking her legs excitedly.

"Oh really? Thanks, Mary," I smirked, digging into my toast.

"So is that girl your friend now?" Benji questioned, staring at me with his youthful brown eyes.

I shrugged. "Yeah. I'm trying my best. Socializing is important."

Benji snorted. "You sound like mom."

I gave him a knowing look, to which Benji rolled his eyes and huffed. "Sorry. It just came out. Mary always calls Mrs. Clarissa mom. Don't you want someone with a label like that?"

I stayed quiet, chewing my toast numbly. Mrs. Clarissa simply felt like a caregiver to me, and I always thought of her as my legal guardian. Calling Mrs. Clarissa 'mom' simply terrified me, and maybe it's because I'm scared she would abandon me like my own mother, but she never had a problem with me calling her Mrs. Clarissa so the name stuck.

"No! No no no!" Mary began screaming, digging the prongs of her fork into the table, making splinters erupt from the wood.

"Mary, stop. Violence is not acceptable," I say sternly, gripping the edge of the table with nerves. I could hear Mrs. Clarissa hurriedly coming down the stairs, alerted by Mary's tantrum. For Mary, tantrums can often become violent. I could see Benji slowly getting up from his chair and backing away from the table in my peripheral vision, and I nodded at him, making sure he was well out of the room.

I grabbed the fork in Mary's fist as tightly as I could, attempting to pry it away from her grasp, as I was more concerned about her hurting herself at this rate. Gritting my teeth, I took the scratches and kicks she delivered to my arms and stomach, managing to rip the fork away from her grasp as Mrs. Clarissa restrained her as best she could and hauled her away to another room where she closed and locked the door.

Benji nervously peeked around the corner from the hallway, and I settled back in my chair, giving him the all clear. He came back over, resuming his breakfast, as if nothing had ever happened.

"Wow. She really did a number on you," he commented with a full mouth, gesturing to the red welts going down my arm.

I shook my head. "It's not that bad."

"You say that a lot. It's kinda sad."

I raised an eyebrow. "How so?"

"Well, I think we all have a right to feel our emotions. In fact, I think it's quite alright to say 'you know what? This sucks ass'," he sighed, thoughtfully looking through the kitchen window before taking a large bite of his toast, the crunch loud in the quiet kitchen.

"Language Benji, oh my God," I rolled my eyes, but laughed nonetheless, and we continued eating breakfast trying to ignore Mary's muffled screams.

Ethan had messaged me later that morning, as I was sitting on my bed. It was a simple text, just asking how I was doing today, but it made me smile. I typed out a quick reply, simply stating that I was doing better, and thanking him for taking Vera and I back to her house last night. A steady rap resounded through my bedroom door; and after telling the person to come in, the door to my bedroom creaked open soon after, Mrs. Clarissa emerging from the hallway.

"Ready, Ivan?" She smiled, her thin grey hair was in a tight knot on top of her head. She probably needed to redo it after Mary surely pulled it all out during her fit.

"Therapy?" I huffed.

"You got it," she confirmed with a thin smile.

I groaned, getting up off of my bed and sliding my phone in my pocket. It vibrated with another text from Ethan, and I was dying to get in the car so I could finally read it. As we descended the stairs, I saw Mary sitting at the kitchen table with a coloring book, scribbling around the page as if there were no lines to begin with.

"Mary Lou, let's help take Ivan and Benji to therapy, okay? Because our mental health is super important, just like keeping our bodies healthy, right?"

"Oh, yeah. Hi Ivy," she looked past Mrs. Clarissa, giving me a small wave, a red crayon grasped in her right hand. I smiled and returned her greeting. Mrs. Clarissa was always trying to get the little ones more comfortable and familiar with the idea of therapy, and making sure they knew it was okay to call for help. I thought it was great, something that probably would have been helpful for me to understand in my younger years, but even now, I'm still not totally comfortable with the idea of talking to someone about my delusions or that imaginary cat that tells me to kill myself sometimes. It really just strips you raw, making you feel vulnerable in a way no mental disorder ever could. That, and Mrs. Clarissa can't leave any of us alone in the house.

"Is Benji in the car?" I asked.

"Yes, could you help Mary get in her carseat?" Mrs. Clarissa stood in front of the kitchen counter, rifling through her worn leather purse. It was a birthday gift from Dr. Watson so many years ago, and she refused to get a new one despite the cracks that spiderwebbed through the material.

I nodded as I took Mary's hand and helped her down from the table, leading her to the open car door.

"Thank you for coming Mary, it really helps to have you here," I told her, playfully jostling her arm a bit. It's always a wise plan to make it seem like it's her idea.

"Yeah, yeah I know," she said, hopping into her car seat with my help. Snapping together the seat straps, I closed the door and took my place on the passenger's side. Mrs. Clarissa wasn't in the car yet, off somewhere in the house, probably still bustling around trying to get everything together, so I assumed there was no time like now to reply to Ethan. Pulling out my phone, I powered it on and read his message, a grin quickly spreading across my face.

"Of course, you look so peaceful when you sleep," Benji read over my shoulder, dropping his voice down an octave to mimic Ethan's. I whirled around in my seat, eyes wide, hiding my phone from the small boy's view.

"Jesus Benji!" I hissed.

"Oh my God Ivan is he your boyfriend now? He saw you sleep? When? Ew- did you guys kiss?" Benji started talking really fast, a rapid fire session of embarrassing questions as Mary squealed loudly next to him.

"Benji, stop! You know Mary repeats things!" I snapped.

Mary looked surprised. "Who? Me?"

"You haven't answered my questions!" Benji complained, stomping his foot from the back seat.

I saw Mrs. Clarissa approaching the car from the house and I panicked, so I whipped back around to level him with a flare and gave him his answers.

"No, no, and no. Okay? Please do not bring this up."

Mrs. Clarissa slid into the driver's seat, starting up the silver SUV and checking to see if everyone's seatbelts were on, oblivious to Benji and I bickering just moments prior.

"Alright you guys, are we ready?" She asked rhetorically in a sickly sweet tone.

~

"I fucked up," I breathed, gripping the cushion of the leather sofa

"Oh? Well do tell," Dr. Williams leaned back, twisting a pen in between her fingers.

"I drank last night, threw up all my medication. I can't go into an episode now that I've finally gotten to where I want to be! I have a close friend, and- and I have Ethan. I'm scared as hell but I really, really enjoy being with him and I can't spiral now. I can't lose him," I finished with a watery tone, looking pleadingly at the therapist.

"And the worst part of it all, is that I can feel myself slipping. I couldn't sleep at all last night! They wouldn't shut the fuck up! Twelve was sitting on my dresser at one point, just staring at me, and even when she left I could still feel her presence. That darkness, the feeling of being watched that wouldn't let me be calm even if I tried. Which was probably because I was so stressed about what happened, but since I missed a dose it's only going to get worse! I just want them to be quiet!" I pitched forward, starting to grip my hair into my fists.

"Ivan, let's first focus on calming ourselves, because if you get too worked up I'll have to call someone in here and that's not what we want, right? We will get this sorted, but I want you to take some deep breaths, let go of your hair, and squeeze the stress ball if you'd like," Dr. Williams attempted to soothe with that level voice she used whenever I started to spiral in session.

I did as instructed, because I knew damn well she was serious, so I grabbed the stress ball she kept on the table and dug my nails into it.

"You're doing great, Ivan. I think we should give you a dose of haloperidol, it's very fast acting and should help decrease your symptoms," she gave me a reassuring smile. "I think that it's fantastic that you want to pursue a relationship with Ethan, and next session, I want to start working on helping you detach yourself from your disorder. It is something you have to deal with, but it is not who you are. I believe you have troubles with that."

With a heavy sigh, I stood and followed her out into the private waiting room, where Mrs. Clarissa sat reading a magazine, Benji and Mary beside her and playing some kind of hand game. Mrs. Clarissa stood once Dr. Williams and I approached, a hopeful smile on her face. I knew she never liked to see any of us struggling.

"So it sounds like Ivan is having some symptoms that are more intense than usual, and we are concerned about a potential psychotic episode. I have recommended a dose of haloperidol, which is a fast-acting antipsychotic injection that I am hopeful will help prevent an episode. I saw on his chart that he has actually received a dose before?" Dr. Williams tilted her head in question, thin eyebrows knitting together.

Benji looked up at me with wide eyes. It wasn't often that I had an episode, and coupled with the fact that I'm sure I looked a little worse for the wear, the whole situation probably seemed very alarming to him. I tried to give him the most comforting smile I could. I felt like I was letting him down in a way, I was supposed to be the one who had his shit together, someone Benji could look up to and rely on for care. If I couldn't even care for myself, how was I supposed to look after him and Mary?

"Yes, he had received one when he was thirteen, it seemed to work well," Mrs. Clarissa nodded, casting a sympathetic gaze towards my direction.

"Well, then we will proceed with that course of action. They will meet you in the back, I've already called it in."

"Do we need to adjust his medication? He hasn't had an episode in a long time."

Dr. Williams waved her hand dismissively. "No, sometimes episodes happen because of stress, hormone fluctuations, disruptions of routine, or potentially a number of other reasons. I think he will respond well to the supplementary haloperidol."

Mrs. Clarissa quickly concealed her worried look once she caught my gaze, and the pity made my skin crawl. That's the look parents are supposed to give you when you fail a math test, not when you accidentally send yourself into a potential psychotic episode.

~

"How is your arm?"

"Sore."

"Well it's not going to get any better if you keep that ice pack off of it."

I groaned, leaning forward to rest my head against the kitchen table. "I'm dizzy."

"Yeah, you got dizzy last time too," Mrs. Clarissa sat at the table with a mug of hot tea, her warm hand carded through my tangled hair, a small, blissed out smile stretched across my face. "Maybe you should stay home tomorrow, hon."

"No. I don't want to miss out on anything else because of this. I just want to get back to my routine," I said quickly, wanting to shoot that idea down as fast as possible.

"I told Mercedes about Mary's reactive attachment disorder," she suddenly says, taking a sip of her tea.

I shot up, blinking quickly as the world blurred for a moment before spluttering, "you what?"

"You know Mary, sometimes she can get violent, and that's just something I feel like Ally's mother should know, for her own daughter's safety. She was so understanding about it too, she really is a great person. It's just something we all need to be aware of, and diligent in keeping an eye out for. It's so cute though, Mary and Ally are becoming such good friends," Mrs. Clarissa smiled into her mug, oblivious to my alarm.

"Oh yeah? Are you going to tell Mercedes I'm a paranoid schizophrenic for Ethan's safety too?" I sneered.

Mrs. Clarissa sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. She's used to me having random emotional blowouts. "Ivan, that is an entirely different situation. You're almost an adult, that's your business and your business alone who you want to tell."

"Well that's great to know, because I plan on bringing this to my grave."

~

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