My name is Terra Combe and I am in the Capitol. I have commit treason and am being allowed to live, Terra tells herself, her head tucked between her knees and her hands locked in the matted, loose falling hair that hung limp around her face. Katniss left us to die. Finnick left me to die. We are all trapped here because of them - no, because of me? We're trapped here to punish the rebels for fighting against th Capitol.

She groans miserably into her arm as she tries to sort through her thoughts. Annie had whispered something about oxygen deprivation as a form of torture to mess with her mind when the redhead could muster looking up from where she had curled in the corner mumbling the names and cuts of different fish. It must of been a kind of technique that the woman used to calm her mind, but Terra felt so unsteady and confused, so unsure that she wasn't sure of the order of things as they were. How many times had that glass chamber, the one across that still contained specks and puddles, refilled? Empty and refill, empty and refill, it was a cycle that went on each time she passed out and woke up again.

There was a tickling, frustrating urge to comfort her, to disregard her own, plaguing thoughts and reach for her friend, but she couldn't work herself out of her stuppor.

The things that she knew and the things she thought just didn't match up. Objectively, Terra understood that she was being manipulated to think what Snow wanted her to believe, but after having spent so long, so many hours trapped in a glass coffin with footage that must have come from somewhere, she wasn't so sure what had been real at all. Who was to blame her when the mind wasn't right?

My name is Terra Combe and I am from District 10. I have commit treason againsy boths sides of the war and will be executed at the earliest convenience? She tries and moans miserably at the pounding of her head, crying softly into her knees. I am Terra Combe and I want to go home. Why won't anyone let me go home? Where is my home?

Crying harder, she moves her arms around enough to hear the clattering of the shackles against the floor and winces at the noise. It hurt to move, to lift her arms after having spent so long swimming, but Annie had whispered that it was normal as well, that it was get better with rest and she didn't doubt her even if it she knew there was little to no chance at her getting any rest.

"Stop crying, sunflower, please stop crying," Annie whispers, crawling towards the bars and reaching through, and she stuffs her head lower into her knees trying hard to hide herself away.

"Why bother? It's only going to get worse," Johanna drawls, lifting her head from where she had sprawled across the floor, and Terra can spot the way she continued to twitch from the corner of her eye.

Because they had electrocuted her, doused her with water before they had done so, and she had been forced to watch in the moments where she was free from her own torture and could listen to the screams of agony and pain undisturbed. She had heard Peeta then as well, deep and guttural, the cries of a man tormented, and she hadn't been able to see what was happening but she knew it was horrible.

The words kept echoing in her head, drowning out her own thoughts. His voice, bearing down in her mind, digging in, it made her wonder what part of her thoughts was being echoed back at her in his voice just to taunt her and what parts had been planted there, seeds of his on mind like a horrible game tactic meant to break her down. "Communication has always been suppressed between the districts, but you had always been a special case. The only Career material tribute to come from the outlier Districts."

The message went unsaid. The 'we allowed you to speak with Finnick and Annie and Johanna and Azolla and any other person you reached out to call or managed to arrange a vist', the clear mark of her special treatment that left her feeling as though she had been bashed upside the head by her own hammer. She probably deserved it anyway.

"It won't, it can't," Annie gasped, voice shaky and thin, teary. "It can't, it can't . . ."

Annie went on mumbling and she slowly lifted her head to look over. "It's okay. I'm sure Johanna is looking forward to having a shot at them next time," Terra muttered and she hear a heavy snort and a barked laugh from Johanna.

"That's the only good thing to come out of this," she other girl joked, teasing, but she could still hear the anxiety and pain in her voice despite the way she acted as though nothing could hurt her.

Something must because she had seen the concerned, tired expression on her friends face every time she had woken up as though she was scared that this time Terra wouldn't wake up. She would be lying if she said she didn't share the same fear, that she didn't, if only for a few moments, wish she had died as well.

Terra licked her dry lips, nearly gagging at the taste of iron that on her tongue, coating her mouth no mattet how many times she tried to clear it away with her spit or the small bit of water that she was allowed. She wished for a moment that she could switch places with Johanna just so she could be cleansed with the water. It was horrible how much she of the blood she had actually swallowed. It was a miracle she hadn't been ill with how much she had taken in without having had barely anything to eat.

She felt deepy disgusted with herself, a feeling within that just continued to spread, grabbing hold of her insides, squeezing her in horrible ways, and Terra felt like some kind of animal with the way they treated her, like something raised to be slaughtered and others like the dangerous wolves they kept away from the cattle, locked and chained away to punish her for the pain she had caused.

"Nothing good comes out of any of this," Peeta snaps, and she looks over to him slowly, and the position that was so similar to her own, one of curled, fetal hunched over in defeat. "Even if you do get in a few good hits. Can you imagine what must be happening to Katniss if this is the treatment we're getting?"

"Nothingit happening to Katniss," Johanna spits back angrily, a snarl on her lips. "She's their best weapon."

"She's not a weapon. She's destruction. Have they shown you the fighting? Have you seen the districts? Everyone is dying," Terra exclaims, her voice rising to a scream. She could still see the images of everything on the backs of her eyelids with Katniss standing amongst the destruction and death. "This is all Katniss' fault. If she hadn't done anything to provoke Snow then nothing would have changed."

"You don't really believe that, do you?" Johanna asks.

"Of course, I do! Things would have been much better if she had just died in the Games," she retorted. "We all should have died in the Games."

"And what? People should just continue living like slaves?!"

Terra shook her head with a grim smile. "It's better than being dead. No one even knows what the new world order would be like. What if the person leading all of this is worse than Snow? We'll be just as screwed over."

"It doesn't mean you should die for it," Peeta voices. "Katniss never asked for this."

"Well, she didn't try to stop it either," she voices miserably. "All those people dying and they have her making propaganda."

"This isn't her fault!" Peeta snarls, banking against the bars, and Terra jumps at the harsh noise, chains clanking against the floors as she pulls herself up slowly, tugging at them as hard as she could while she bares her teeth.

"Katniss left us all to die. Finnick left us to die. Haymitch left us to die. Wilber left us to die. Chaff left us to die. The rebels left us to die. You tell me this isn't her fault but she seems pretty firmly on their side and still nothing has happened," she argued.

It was clear they hadn't seen the things that she had, been shown the truth, or fragments of, that she had. They didn't understand, couldn't understand, they didn't know, none of them did, and Terra doubted that Katniss herself understodd everything that was happening. Peeta himself had said as much in the last interview, had declared it with such sincerity that she knew he wasn't being coached or goaded. He had believed what he said, or the idea of it, but now he spoke differently and she didn't know what he believed with the intermittent twitching of his fingers and the tensing of his muscles throughout his arms. And as she looked at him clearly, at them both, she knew they couldn't understand the fear that was utterly real and persistent that they weren't aiming at the right things.

Her head hurt, her thoughts a mixture of opposing forces, and she felt weak as her own morals wavered and broke, her ideals and beliefs suffered under a weight she knew was there, could identify as Snow, and the Capitol, herself created in the image that he wanted. Terra didn't know if the words she spoke were something she really believed or if they were planted their, tumbling from quivering lips before she could still her tongue from the lashings she aimed at the only few people that she still trusted.

"Terra, come and sit with me," Annie whispered, reaching through the bars and waving her hand insistently.

Her jaw clenched and she she could feel the steady thrum of her heartbeat as it worked to liven her tired, slow limbs, and looked over the two that moved away, a stab of betrayal hitting through her at the sight of Johanna siding with Peeta before she turned to Annie and moved as close as was capable.

"It's okay, sunflower. You're all having a hard time, it's normal that they wouldn't want to understand your point of view," the redhead soothes, playing with Terra's fingers. "What Snow has done to you all is terrible but somethi g different plays on each of those screens, I can tell from where I am."

Annie shudders, a nervous bubble of laughter eacapes her as she shakes her head harshly and Terra curls her fingers around hers, squeezing as all the anger drawns from her immediately.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," she shakes her head, shoving dirty hair from her face.

"They got the nightmares and the insomnia, but they didn't lose a part of themself like you did in that arena, T. You're like me," Annie tells her sadly. "We were both a little insane before we got here."

"Don't talk about yourself like that, okay?" Never say that," Terra urged, a lump forming in her throat.

"I hear what they say and I know it's true. I have trouble a lot, but I know you do too," Annie pushed on. "Their crazy is different from yours. He's been shaping you for longer than he has them."

"I can't tell what's me and what's him and what's real or a memory," she sobs softly, speaking only as loud as she dared, not wanting to have the others listen. "I don't know what is even true about Finnick anymore, or about Johanna or you, or my family. He makes me watch these things, makes me see everything, and I can't tell if it was myself or someone else."

Annir looks at her with eyes so tired and bruised, sunken and hungry, but that striking blue was so clear and knowing, old in years beyond her youth.

"Your name is Terra Combe. You're a sister and an aunt. You grew up in District 10, but you use to claim your heart was in 4 where you could be with Finnick. Your favourite colour is green. You like to have tea in the early morning with lots of sugar with fresh fruits," Annie told her softly, easily, as though she was listing off the things she knew by heart.

"You wear those buns because it makes you feel young and keeps your hair out of your face. You're selfless and care too much about others," Johanna calls, leaning against the bars closest to her. "I'm sorry I yelled."

Terra snorts. "I'm sorry for everything that I've said. I'm not sure if I mean it."

"You're angry. You're allowed to be angry. You haven't been angry about this yet, not even the Quell," Johanna states, encouraging. "Angry is good, T, be angry."

°°°

Hello hello ! This is kinda all over the place but thats how it's supposed to be because that's how Terra is feeling right about now. It's not easy guys.

AND comments are always appreciated and encouraged so don't be afraid to just drop a few of those my dudes.

Unedited

2019-02-23