'All of these excuses

Say I'm the one that made you ruthless

But you're the reason I'm crazy

And with you I feel useless

I let you have it

You took me for granted

Always wanna play the victim

When they don't know the truth is

You left me this scar on my heart

When I'd never take it that far'

○

"So you gone slide to the club with us tonight or what nic?" Amber asks dragging me out my phone.

"Um yea, I could use a drink" I nod, I hadn't been out in a while anyways so why not.

"Alright I'll pick you up around 10" She says and I nod picking up my mimosa taking a sip.

We all had linked up for lunch since we hadn't been able to link as a group in quite some time, I was thankful that even with rah out the group everything was still normal.

Looking down at my phone I finished typing my message before sending it.

He read it instantly and I watched the 3 bubbles hover before his message popped up.

With a small smile I exit out our thread ready to lock my phone until a message from thou who shall not be named pops up.

I knew she was pissed that I didn't link with her this thursday and I was ignoring her up until now but she just really had me fucked up.

She was trying to get under my skin because we both knew it was the little shit she did that kept me running back to her.

I wasn't about to let her provoke me today, I was actually in a good mood.

Yea that shit don't feel good do it.

I froze reading and rereading the words, as soon as I thought I had the upperhand she says something that makes me rethink everything.

"I'm about to go to the restroom real quick" I announce slightly pushing my chair back standing up rushing to the restroom before they could say anything.

I waited for the lady at the sink to finish drying her hands and walk out the restroom before I locked the door behind her.

Dialing her number I held the phone up to my ear listening to it ring.

"Wh-"

"Why are you doing this right now?" My voice cracks and my vision blurs as tears well in my eyes.

"What am I doing? You can say fuck me but I can't say fuck you?

"What pleasure do you get out of fucking with my head? Your trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty like all of this isn't your fault" Sighing deeply I close me eyes evening out my breathing so I could calm down, I was shaking so bad.

"I'm not fucking with ya head and this ain't my fault, it's yo lil friend fault"

"Stop. Stop trying to blame everything on rah when you know all of this could've been prevented if you would've just called me"

"I already took accountability for that but when you gone take accountability for what you did? Cause you not innocent either but you so stuck on playing this victim role"

"What the fuck are you talking about right now" I sniffle drying my eyes with the back of my hand.

"How you gone be with this nigga after all that shit? That's fucked up nic"

"Fucked up like how you cheated on me with kiyo then after all that shit you did in miami I walk in ya house to see you right back with her, fucked up like that right?"

The line fell silent and I softly chuckle shaking my head.

"Exactly. You put me through so much shit because you can't sleep alone, and like the dummy I am, I'm still here" I softly laugh shaking my head.

"Then let me go, you acting like I'm forcing you to fuck with me. Just tell me that you don't love me no more, please, I'm begging you"

"You think I haven't tried to let you go? Every little thing I do leads me right back to you, no matter what I do I always end up right back under you"

"So why you fighting the inevitable? Fallback into me" Shutting my eyes I rest my head against the wall with a small sigh.

It sounded so fucking good, but it wasn't that simple.

"You don't even love that nigga, you just scared to give ya all to me again. I will never have you feeling that low again nic, just trust me" She spoke soft and gentle, like she knew I was clinging on to every word that fell from her lips.

"You know I'm the only one that can fix you"

I watched his chest slowly rise then fall, he looked so peaceful.

He didn't deserve what I was doing to him, the distance between us these past months was evident but he never dared to speak on it.

I honestly think he was scared to lose me but in all actuality he never had me, I knew that sounded harsh but it was true.

It was pitiful that I couldn't think of one moment I was with him and wasn't thinking about her.

Every night we layed in this bed together pulling the thick comforter over our bodies but it wasn't thick enough to hide the thin sheet of tension between us.

We both knew that once we addressed the elephant in the room nothing would be the same.

Cardi was right when she said he didn't know me, it was like he was outside with his ear up to the walls of my world.

He layed on left side of me every night and somehow was still on the outside of my world with no way in.

It was never supposed to go this far anyways, what started off as a simple distraction turned into a huge situation.

Now I'm tangled up in his sheets, suffocating, and I didn't know how to unravel myself out this bed without hurting him in the process.

My phone buzzes behind me and I freeze hoping he didn't hear it, after watching his chest rise and fall for 30 seconds I slowly turn on my right side with my back facing him.

Reaching over I quietly pick my phone up off the nightstand focusing my eyes on the dimly lit screen.

Yo y'all gotta go listen to H.E.R x Khalid this way, it's krazyy how much this song applies to this book and word to it wasn't intentional😭