what can you do? what power do you have?

(trigger warning: mentions of disordered eating)

"...uinyeo-nim...! ...ease wake up...!"

"Can...hear us?"

The world comes back to you somehow piece by piece and all at once.

Words, hurried ones, pierce the haze of darkness that is thick in your mind, tugging you insistently to the surface. You think there are hands on you, taking your temperature from your forehead, checking your pulse, placing a pillow beneath your head. art of you would like to keep your eyes shut for a little while longer, wanting to rest, but you cannot bear the worry in the familiar voices that call your name over and over and over. Wake up, you think, wake up.

Open your eyes.

In the dim light, the first thing you see is Scholar Park. His face has gone utterly pale, sweat beading down his brow as he frets, biting at a fingernail. But when he realizes you've surfaced, his eyes blow wide. He breathes an enormous sigh of relief that turns quickly into a half-delirious smile. "You're awake!"

"S-Scholar Park..." You try to sit up and it's a mistake. You feel aches all over; your limbs are slow as if they're pinned down, made impossibly weighty with fatigue.

A warm hand lands on your shoulder, and you turn to see one of the younger uinyeo, Min-ji, by your side. "Please, stay on the bed, su-uinyeo-nim."

You nod, settling back as you slowly blink, blink, blink. You don't remember how you got here. You don't remember what has happened to make you feel like this, like you're hollowed out, weak. "But Min-ji, what—"

The door to your room bursts open. Wood scrapes harsh against wood, slamming into its frame.

Your incredulous eyes fall upon the king: the only man who could make such an entrance and demand every ounce of your attention.

"Jeonha!"

Immediately the other two in the room drop into deep bows.

"What the hell is going on here?" He stalks into the room, Eunuch Kim not far behind with concern etched on his features. "What happened?"

Scholar Park is slightly shriveling under the fury of the king's glare but he manages to say, "we were walking to the library when uinyeo-nim suddenly collapsed. I immediately brought her here with the eunuchs, and called for another uinyeo to treat her. She awoke just a few minutes ago."

"What?" He whips his head to the side. "You. Why did she collapse?"

Min-ji's voice is so small as she replies, "I... believe it is fatigue b-brought on by m-malnutrition, jeonha."

Then Min-ji is shrinking back too, for the king's scowl grows infinitely at her words. He gives their meaning but a moment to settle in before he bristles. Bares his teeth.

"Let us be alone."

"Jeonha..." Eunuch Kim starts. You can't tell if he's more worried for his charge or for you by the way he casts worried looks between you both.

"Alone."

It is only after the door shuts behind the others that the king turns on you.

He walks to your bedside until he is close, but he doesn't touch.

You stare at each other, your labored breaths the only sound in the space until he asks with a low tone, "you have not been eating?" Though he might sound angry, thoroughly annoyed in fact, you think there might be confusion there too. You are silent, so he continues. "Yet, when I ask, the cooks inform me that they have delivered your meals to you as I have instructed. So." The syllable dips low, dangerous. "Who exactly is the liar here? Who shall get the punishment?"

You... did not realize he kept such a careful eye on you. How much should you reveal? What excuse could you come up with that could spare everyone?

"Not going to answer me? Then I shall have to call someone else. Jin-young. What would she tell me, hm?"

Pressing your lips together, you recognize his subtle look of triumph as you both know you could not drag the beloved cook into this. Your only option left is the truth.

"She... would say that I have... been asking for my meals to be uncooked. That I— I told her I wanted the ingredients to attempt to better my skills in the craft. But instead..." you scrunch the fabric of your skirt tight within your fingers. You take a deep breath, and then confess, "I have been distributing most of the grain, vegetables, and meats to those in town who are in need of it more than I."

His scowl is so, so deep. "You... have been starving yourself instead?"

"I-I am eating as much as necessary, jeonha." You don't tell him that means two small bowls of rice porridge a day.

"Yet you collapsed."

"I merely overworked myself today, that is all."

"No. No, I do not accept that excuse. You collapsed. You fell unconscious, due to malnutrition."

"But jeonha, the famine." You push yourself onto your elbows. You need him to take you seriously, even as you wince from the action. "The people. The people have so much less than I. Often less than a single grain of rice to pass an entire day and much less any real sustenance to keep them alive. They— they are the truly malnourished here!"

"That is absolutely none of your concern." Though he never raises his volume to a shout, his tone is no less intense, no less furious as he carefully articulates every word. Biting every damn truth at you. "You are not part of the royal family. You are not responsible for the people like this."

Rare anger trickles into your veins as you fist your hands. You've backed down to him one too many times and this will not be one of them. "I need to do something! Am I meant to just watch them die, jeonha? To pretend that my life is perfect and lavish while I watch them suffer and struggle for want of nothing more than a hot meal?"

"Then would you rather die in exchange?!"

Your breath catches in shock. Your fury tampers down, simmering but not extinguished when faced with his overwhelming intensity, snapped at you as he wraps a firm hand around your arm.

Like a predator, he brings his face mere inches from yours. "I won't hear of this anymore. You are not to do such things. Do not overstep your position."

He squeezes you once before he pulls away and proceeds to leave completely, abandoning you to the absolute silence of your room.

You wait three pensive seconds before the door shuts before you let yourself collapse back onto the bed. What little strength you regained feels completely drained from you again. You didn't mean for him to find out. You had no idea how he'd react but you never thought, never ever thought, that he would actually threaten your life like this. That harsh question repeats in your mind, the implications behind it more exhausting than any fatigue could ever be.

Silly you, to think there'd been a change in all these months. That things between you were progressing and getting back to a point where you could be comfortable with each other again. In the end, you were just deluding yourself. Letting yourself get caught up in the play-pretend that you could be the one to stand by the king's side instead of the whore at his feet. ("What power do you have?" he asked you all those months ago, his voice abrupt, too coarse as he claimed you. You have none, as he has proved to you yet again. Not even enough to save yourself.)