time continues to slip on -- blissfully, mercilessly, endlessly.

OCTOBER

"Janae!"

You have never seen Eunuch Kim as happy as he is now, kicking up dust as he hurries towards his family and his home with a box completely full of cookies in his hands. You follow behind them, an easy smile on your lips.

"Janae," he repeats the sweet term of endearment for 'wife,' making Chun-ja blush when she spots you behind him. "I missed you."

"You're going to make our sweet uinyeo-nim regret coming here if you continue to be like this," she says, but the affection in her eyes could melt even the snowiest of days to come.

"She will forgive me." Eunuch Kim grins, his cheeks dimpled with how wide his lips are parted in his joy.

"Only because I am fond of Chun-ja," you tease. "Where is Han-jae?"

As if having heard his name, the boy rounds the corner holding a bucket in his arms. It's promptly dropped to the dust and Chun-ja's distraught cry at the well water inside it splashing out is drowned out by Han-jae's cry of, "Dad!"

"It's the food he really wants, I'm sure!" Eunuch Kim laughs, handing off the box to you before he stretches his arms out. His big sleeves swing as he envelops his boy in a tight hug.

Though you are only standing by, you feel the affection in your heart swell and swell and swell, as if it could burst. But perhaps if it grows big enough, it could one day overtake the quiet, subtle envy that strikes you now at this familial scene, for something you could never have. So you swallow your emotions and say with as much cheer you can muster, "of course!"

NOVEMBER

"She told you to keep it a secret, didn't she?"

You turn in surprise, crunching frost beneath your feet. Beside you, in this snow-covered landscape, Yoongi stares intently at the mound of grass that is Queen Jeonghui's grave. When did he find out?

"...She did."

His eyes soften. His palms press tightly against each other. "I realized... It took me a long time to realize that she must have."

"Isn't it just like her?" you murmur.

He lets out a restrained sigh, a small puff that comes out transparent and white in the frigid air. "She shouldn't have made you bear such a burden."

You don't know how to reply.

Heaven knows you have regretted the decision before, yes, especially in those bitterly lonely days after her passing and he was so unbearably distant and so, so silent. But you cannot change the past. And now... even if you had the chance, you don't think you would choose otherwise. You could not ever betray her trust. Not only because doing so would've betrayed yourself too. Then what right would you have to stand next to him? (Even though you had little of that to begin with.)

Another soft wind comes.

The breeze blows the smoky scent of incense around you, enveloping you both in a familiar, but now forever intangible embrace. The king closes his eyes, briefly letting himself feel the moment ripple through his silk. Then he straightens.

"Thank you," he whispers, his cold fingers tangling with yours. You're not certain who he is speaking to, until he tugs on your arm. "For being here."

You can only nod, and watch as he carefully wipes away his tender, longing smile with his sleeve, erasing every visible remnant of his sorrow and his heart. Only then does he turn back, indicating to the guards that it is time to go home.

DECEMBER

In the chilly morning light, Yoongi swipes snowflakes from his silken hair as he enters your room and you instinctively think that there is no one on this earth more beautiful than him. How could there be when he is all puffy cheeks and red nosed, huddling into the extra fabric hurriedly thrown around his neck like the tiniest, cutest bird?

"Jeonha, I hope you are not missing your breakfast again to come here," you say, though your pleasure at seeing him is undoubtedly plain on your face.

"Hmm." He deflects the question, instead shifting to gently kiss your forehead.

You give him a stern look, but have learned by now to let such things go. He is the king. He does what he likes. And you cannot say you mind that too much, in more ways than one.

You slide a placeholder piece of parchment into the book you were reading and close it. Tuck your chin into your palms to look at him, and drink in every bit of his handsome features because you are allowed such luxuries. "So, what will you accomplish today, jeonha?"

"I will turn down yet another marriage candidate." He plants himself on the stool across from you. "As swiftly as I did last week."

"You will?" You take a sip of the cooling tea in front of you. "I do hope it isn't on my behalf."

Laughing, Yoongi holds out his palm and waits. His fingers curl when you give him what he wants, when you place your hand in his. Warmth spreads slowly but steadily out into your veins.

"As if it could ever be for anyone else."

JANUARY

"Excuse me Scholar Park, but do you not have official business to attend to?" Despite your words, your voice is full of amusement when the man in question breezes into the apothecary with a swishing of his robes.

"Yes, certainly! My incredibly essential task of national importance is..." he noisily sets down an enormous basket on your table, the woven insides lined with crisp, oil-stained paper, "to consume all of these jeon."

Your stomach twines as delicious-smelling steam rises from the golden pieces of fried seafood resting within. The scent alone coaxes a wealth of memories into your mind, of a shyly thoughtful crown prince and of a precious night filled with floating, skybound wishes. You gently nudge these thoughts aside for later indulgence, refocusing on reality.

"Wow." You stare at the snacks, the concoction you were working on completely abandoned. "Now Scholar Park... Did you leave your mind behind in the palace this morning when you went to the markets? What made you buy so many?"

The young man scratches at the tuft of dark hair exposed by his hat. "The salesman was, err, very convincing. I could not say no."

"Oh? Though I suppose I can understand. The older Jeon brother is quite charming when he wants to be, what with that face of his. Or... hmm, was it the younger one?"

"Um." To your great surprise, Scholar Park ignores all his usual grace and roughly shoves a piece of jeon into his mouth.

You tilt your head, your eyebrows rising all on their own. He is not subtle at all as he avoids your gaze, chewing slowly as if to borrow time for his mind to find a suitable answer. So you wait. And you let him know you're waiting too, with the knowing smile stretched across your lips.

That is probably why he says, "I cannot stop eating these" right before stuffing another jeon into his mouth as soon as he finishes the first. His cheeks are a bit pink. From embarrassment, or something else?

"I am not moving from this seat, just so you are aware. These will eventually run out, as incredulous as that may seem now." You pick up a piece, biting into it with a groan at the delicious crunch, and how savory taste seems to explode on your tongue.

Scholar Park grumbles as he swallows, pursing his full lips. Weighs his options: the truth against another bite. Finally, he seems to choose the former. "It's... Ahh... Really, it's nothing. Simply that Jungkook-ssi—"

"Oh, using his first name now?"

"Um!" His big eyes go wide, his gat bobbing on his head furiously as he sits up so straight he almost falls off his chair. "I mean Jeon-ssi! Anyway! He is always giving me advice as to how to stand up to the other scholars when they are unfair to me. And he always gives me much more jeon than he should but refuses to take more coins from me... Last week, he had to take his sister to the doctor and the medicinal herbs were quite expensive. He looked incredibly troubled, so... I ended up buying this much and giving him all the money I had."

You smile. Of course he would.

"I just... wanted to see him smile again."

The scholar has a look in his eyes that you think you might recognize. And if it's what you think it is... then it would be wise not to push too hard. To not hurt this fragile thing, but instead nurture it so it might bloom.

You press a palm to the table. "I will visit the Jeons as soon as I'm able, in the next few days. I will give him all the medicine his sister needs, without any charge."

"Uinyeo-nim!"

"And I will be certain to let him know it is all thanks to you."

Scholar Park flushes deeply at that, and he continues to be an awful liar as you can clearly decipher the satisfaction on his face anyway. It only makes you laugh harder, when he hurriedly reaches for another piece of jeon to hide behind.

FEBRUARY

The tiny but mighty stars twinkle in tonight's darkened night sky as you approach Yoongi's chambers, a bundle of fabric cradled in your arms. Your steps are quiet on the ground, accompanied only by the slight rustling of wind through the leaves of the towering trees.

"Good evening, uinyeo-nim." Outside the building, Royal Guard Jung bows to you like he always does, despite the immense distance between your proper ranks.

"Good evening. I hope it has not been too cold out here for you?"

He smiles. "I would not tell you even if it was."

"Well then." You pull the bundle closer to your body. "Perhaps I will withhold my gift in that case."

His grimace is as instantaneous as it is exaggerated. "No! My little princess will never forgive me if you do."

"Alright, alright. Only on her behalf." You offer him the present, grinning. "There is a very pretty hanbok inside from Jin-young-nim, since her daughter has grown too big for it. And I have included a few smaller hairpins, perfect for a girl of six."

Guard Jung takes the bundle with gentle hands, his expression sobering quickly as he gazes down at it with an intense emotion in his eyes.

"...Thank you once again. I am incredibly grateful for this, uinyeo-nim. And for everything you've helped me with since..." He scrunches the fabric in his fist instinctively as a memory seems to surface. It takes him a moment before he catches himself, forces his hands to release. With his strength, he could easily crush the delicate things inside.

You wait patiently for him to gather his thoughts, to carefully select what he wants to say as he bites down on his bottom lip.

The man drops his shoulders. "I truly wish I could understand what young girls prefer these days, the way I do wartime tactics. But such things seem to be out of my grasp, even though Yeona loved to indulge our baby. I— I should have been more attentive. I should have done more to remember. I—"

"No!" You shake your head, though you wish you could physically shake him from the doubts that continue to plague him. "No. I have seen how you try. I have always known how dedicated you are, to jeonha and to your family. Please. Do not doubt yourself. You couldn't have known. None of us did."

Your chest squeezes when he clutches the bundle closer to his chest, as if it were his daughter. As if it were all that he has lost.

When he looks up again, he has managed a small smile like the brave man you know him to be. "Forgive me. I should not keep you longer, uinyeo-nim. But... may we visit you in the coming days? Aera and I? She misses you."

You think of the sweet girl, of her toothless smiles, slightly dimpled cheeks, and songbird voice, and the want in your heart threatens to crest again. "Of course. Anytime you wish. Please interpret that literally." You exchange bows again, his eyes the slightest bit misty.

As you walk into the warmth of the complex, you realize just how much you have missed Aera in kind, though it could not have been more than two weeks since you last saw her. To be in the presence of her innocence, even though it's now swept with a premature grief, is a reminder of why you must push forward, why you must keep fighting to save as many lives as you can despite the fatigue such constant worries bring.

But for tonight, in this intimate space, you will leave your heavy thoughts at the wooden door. You will let yourself unfurl some petals of vulnerability as you seek comfort in the arms of your king, knowing he has always done the same in yours.

MARCH

Not being as careful as you probably should to avoid dirtying your expensive hanbok (a present from Yoongi that he insisted upon), you kneel before the little plot of dirt at the corner of the private gardens that currently houses only the remnants of the herbs from the last growing season. It will be time to replant them soon, but not yet.

"I miss you, mom," you murmur as you push aside the dark brown earth to accidentally uncover a wrinkled root as the scent of wet soil drifts into the air. Here, the bright afternoon sun heats the back of your neck despite winter's persistent grasp on the palace grounds, but it is not the feeling you truly crave. Mother's hands were always so familiar and warm, especially when she used to squish your face between her palms to fight the chill as she taught you how to take care of nature.

Would she approve of how you're living now? She... would probably care little for the enormous apothecary or the luxurious accessories that you routinely don. No, she would want to know about Yoongi. But how could you ever begin to describe what remains soft and yet simultaneously taut between you, unspoken but felt with every throb of your heart?

"Seeds."

You turn your head towards the voice so fast a loose strand of hair whips you in the face.

"Do you need more seeds for planting?"

Stooped beside you, Yoongi's eyes are waned, lips pressed thin into a small smile you can only describe as fond. "What do you need?" He asks again, gathering his gilt-embroidered robes around him.

You decide not to mention how he should be doing his readings of the advisors' reports right now, because you'd much rather him be here. "Hmm, I've been searching the markets for a particular herb, without much luck. I'd heard rumors of it being brought in from further north and I wanted to try growing it here."

He doesn't hesitate. "Show me which one later and you shall have it."

Before you can thank him, he slips his arm around your waist, delicately but insistently pulling you close. But the tug, the unexpected motion rocks you both off balance and then you're tipping backwards onto your heels. "Oh—!" You fling your hands out but there's no stopping it— Momentum takes the poor man with you and in the space of seconds, the both of you land with hard thumps onto the ground.

"Jeonha!" you cry, "I'm so sorry!"

But as much as you mean the apology, the ridiculous sight of your king on his butt on the ground, his eyes wide from the surprising tumble, is far too amusing for you to hold back. You try to cover your mouth but laughter flows out anyway, clear and crisp among the quiet plants. "I'm... sorry!" You try again, but can only continue to overflow with giggles when he pulls a comical face of displeasure.

"Is it not against some law to mock your king?" He grumbles, shifting on the ground as he flings a rock away from under his backside and resettles.

"You would know best if there was, jeonha."

"Well then." He knows he is no match for your tongue these days, and thus concedes the point. You give him a last grin before pressing your palms to the ground, ready to push back up to your feet. But his fingers wrap around your wrist to get your attention. "I am already here. Let us stay like this for a while," he says.

"So you can avoid the reports?"

This time his arm goes around your upper back, coaxing your head onto his shoulder. "So I can spend more time with you."

You clear your throat, since you really have no argument against that. Not that you would ever want to protest that line of reasoning anyway. So you lean into him some more, bundling your legs together before tilting your head up to look at the brilliant sky, studded with the pink of budding flowers beginning to flourish on sparse branches up above. And for once, you let yourself think that these happy days might just last forever.

(Oh, how wrong you will be.)

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a few historical notes:

- there were quite a few different terms for couples to call each other during this time. "janae" was meant to represent wife and is kind of their equivalent to our... "honey"? it was mostly used among the commoners/lower classes to convey affection and closeness. (aka eunuch kim continues to be the cutest)

- the readings i found say that eunuch kim's children must be eunuchs themselves if he adopts them directly, but they don't mention anything about this particular case of a eunuch marrying a widow, aka the child is not directly adopted by Eunuch Kim himself. so Han-jae will not be a eunuch when he grows up!

- these are bits of shrimp/vegetables/fish/other small things that are deep fried in egg batter! (think back to the Chuseok date)