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voice memos!

Oct 16, 2018 15:06

Hey. It's October 16. I got my guitar, and I'm . . . fucking sad. I feel like I'm always sad when I open fucking Voice Memos, but something's telling me to record this, so, I just . . . I want to finish this song from a while ago. It's rough. Um . . . I started it when I was still with Zayn. Never thought I would relate to it again, if I'm honest. Kind of hoped I'd, like, sworn off this side of me, but . . . things change.

"I think this is one of two songs I've got so far with this trope. Kind of just feeling, you know, feeling like you're not enough, like you'll never compare to the other girl. I think I was lost in my own world of insecurities where I just felt like I had to stick with him, had to change myself to be the girl he's cheating on me with.

"It's a shit feeling, but I got the first verse out of it . . . Different inflection when you say my name. Kiss me, but your kiss don't taste the same. Is it real, or am I going out of my mind? Curious 'bout the company that you keep, 'cause I hear you talking 'bout her in your sleep, and now you've got me talking 'bout her in mine. I think I was just at that point in the relationship where I realised things were changing. He was—he was pulling away, and there wasn't really anything I could do to stop it.

"That . . . That shit killed a part of me for a long time, but I feel like the next part—the start to the chorus, or part of the chorus—definitely reflects that side of me that has this perfect image of the girl. She's kind of everything I'm not. Bet she has it all. Bet she's beautiful, like you. And I bet she's got that touch. Makes you fall in love, like you. I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest. I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips.

"That's all I got before I abandoned this shit, but I think looking back—and, I guess, even now—I'm just caught in a cycle of wanting to be the other girl. Just constantly asking myself . . . How can I be like her? What am I doing wrong? Just never feeling like enough, even when I'm giving my fucking everything to this other person. I'm giving every piece of myself to him, and it's still not enough. I'm just like, why is other girl perfect to him, but I'm not? I want to be good enough. That's all I ever want. I think that's all I'll ever want.

"Fucking hell. I guess it could go . . . Maybe I should be more like her. Maybe I should be more like her. Then I'll repeat the other part. Drive home that shit.I can taste her lipstick. It's like I'm kissing her, too. And she's perfect.

"I want the next verse to symbolise how the insecurities have kind of shaped who I am. I'm a fucking mess. I overthink. I've thought so much about this other girl, about him . . . about them together. I want to know what she's doing that I'm not. I want to know why I'm not worthy of him and why he has to go to someone else. Whatever she's doing, I'm like . . . I'm going to do it ten times better. That's my challenge to myself.

"So, the first part is going to be me asking him what's she doing that's got him so in love . . . How does she touch you? Can I try it, too? I know you're twisted, but baby, I'm twisted, too. I wanna know how she could make a man lose his mind.

"But I also know that she's more than I could ever be. I kind of see what he sees in her, and I'll never—I'll never be that. So I'm going to talk about the fucking perfume, because it's always the fucking perfume, and I, like, swear the both of them used to tell me how good I smelled. So, it's like, she smelled better, then? That's why you humiliated me? With the smell of her perfume, I could love her, too, like you. And I can almost hear her laugh, curving on her back for you.

"I need a new fucking perfume, man.

"Then I'm going to repeat some shit, I think. I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest. I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips. Maybe I should be more like her. Maybe I should be more like her. I can taste her lipstick. It's like I'm kissing her, too. And she's perfect.

"I think now the song is winding down. The next part is just desperation. It's going to be rushed. I want to show how desperate I am right now. Desperate to be loved. Desperate to know what he's doing with her. That kind of thing. I can see her body rushing into you. Crashing? Yeah . . . Crashing on your skin, burning within, burning so deep on your skin next to me. She's crashing on your skin, settling in, burning so deep on your skin while you're sleeping.

"Then just back to the chorus. Those fucking insecurities. I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest. I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips. Maybe I should be more like her. Maybe I should be more like her. I can taste her lipstick. It's like I'm kissing her, too, and she's perfect.

I think—I think that's it. Basically.